I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic • Hacker News Board

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#471

Post by scarby2 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 12:59 PM UTC

foxglacier wrote: post #312

scarby2 wrote: post #225

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's broadly true though. It doesn't apply to all of us but as a group it's a thing. Personally it's not for me, I'm a heterosexual male but I get on far better with women and find men's spaces intimidating.

I used to feel the same way as you but then I discovered I was wasn't really getting on well in female dominated groups after-all. It's all smiles and pleasantries on the surface but you're not one of them and aren't part of their gossip, but can quickly become the subject of it. If they really are trusting you with their gossip and speculations about other members then perhaps you truly can assimilate. There's also…

With my current close friends I get included in far more gossip than I care to be and know the intimate details of past partners, kinks, fantasies etc.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#472

Post by nothercastle » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:01 PM UTC

SiempreViernes wrote: post #405

lupusreal wrote: post #362

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What I find a bit remarkable is how they lost control of their club dynamics so severely. I've been a regular attendee of a few hacker spaces that were open to the public but never had the problem they describe. I think maybe a key aspect is ensuring that all men, particular the ones that are classically unattractive (even repulsive) feel welcome as valued equals. Many women cannot countenance this and will try to sh…

Uh, they don't describe any problem though? The piece is about how everyone agrees the change is for the better, its only people in this thread that describe women and men woodworking together as a problem.

Obviously the remaining members think it’s better but as an adverse selection problem you can’t ask the ones that left

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#473

Post by nothercastle » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:03 PM UTC

moritonal wrote: post #343

rsynnott wrote: post #325

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So there’s at least one type of men’s only space in the UK; some gay club nights are men-only, and enforce this with registration/membership. Was a bit of a culture shock visiting from Ireland, where, as far as I know, this is not a thing (even the most male-oriented club nights _allow_ women, and there’ll usually be one or two; I’ve never known anyone to have a problem with this). I’m unsure whether there’s a legal…

Anecdotally I heard this was because straight-women would prefer these clubs due to less pressure and more fun, which caused straight-men to try get into the clubs just to hit on them.

As a straight man can confirm

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#474

Post by nothercastle » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC

dralley wrote: post #465

bluefirebrand wrote: post #439

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You actually think this organization made this decision on their own with no outside pressure, or internal pressure from women? I have a bridge to sell you

The "external pressure" was largely just the pressure of declining membership.

Nah these decisions actually resulted in membership declines because they lost the Mormon population and with them a huge chunk of the patrons

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#475

Post by nothercastle » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:08 PM UTC

leoedin wrote: post #469

jajko wrote: post #402

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Women tend to behave very differently in all-female group compared to when even a single man is present. And if that man is charismatic or handsome its completely different dynamics and resulting behavior again. Never thought about it myself but one female friend mentioned this once (how toxic their work environment becomes when there is no man), so started noticing it around. As a married man I can understand these…

In my experience (as a man) men tend to behave quite differently when there’s no women present too. Generally I much prefer mixed gender socialising!

All sorts of weird hazing and one up manship happened when I was a young man in these groups. That’s how you get these crazy Dubai guy videos of people skiing in sandals on a highway or driving on 2 tires.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#476

Post by FirmwareBurner » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:10 PM UTC

_zaey wrote: post #447

FirmwareBurner wrote: post #443

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can disagree with this take. For one, bouldering is not great if you have a fear of heights or maybe some mobility issues due to a previous injury. It's then a massively painful and risky chore and not a pleasurable activity but requires you to be at 100% health physically and mentally in order to do anything beyond kiddy walls. Otherwise you can fall and injure yourself pretty badly. Granted, that's mostly on you,…

Sorry to hear that’s your experience. I’m staying with my parents this week and I visited the local bouldering gym alone on Wednesday and last night. On Wednesday I met someone called Nelly, and hung out with them for the session. Yesterday I bumped into Nelly with their friends Maddie and Kate and climbed with them. I’m leaving on Sunday so I gave one of them my number and they messaged me to say it was great fun cl…

You don't need to go to the bouldering gym to make small talk hoping it becomes more than that. You can make small talk everywhere like libraries, cafes, bars, meet-ups, concerts, stand-ups, etc. places where the main activity is talking, not exercising.

And if sports is your jam, team sports are better for socializing than solitary sports like bouldering, because you are forced to work together and build connections even without talking too much.

From my experience here, bouldering gym are the worst if socializing is your main goal because local people go there to exercise not hang around to talk to strangers and build connections, even if you're the one initiation the conversations. Socializing with strangers at the bouldering gym seems to be a mostly anglosphere thing or a big international city young urbanite thing as people mostly go there to hang out and meet new people instead of exercise. But again, bouldering is not a very easy sport for everyone to pick-up and master.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#477

Post by nothercastle » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:11 PM UTC

jajko wrote: post #426

flowingfocus wrote: post #364

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The neighborhood cafe where locals can stop by at any time and see other locals This is still the norm in some places. When I was cycling through the Balkans, I was surprised how many people sit in public spaces, usually close to a kiosk, and play cards, throw dice, or just chatter

Whole southern Europe is like that (sitting now in a small trattorria in Liguria province in Italy, I see this everywhere, and ie Spain, Portugal or Greece is same). The problem mostly arises in big cities where a lot of young move for work, I'd call those socially sterile places.

Real estate is too expensive in the USA. To stay profitable you need to turn customers around quickly

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#478

Post by mynameajeff » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:12 PM UTC

gambiting wrote: post #234

protocolture wrote: post #226

[flagged]

>>I am literally batting social opportunities away due to lack of time and resources. That is exactly what the "male loneliness epidemic" is though, no? I don't know what definition you are using, but to me it's definitely the fact that we just don't have the time to go out and be social among other things, not that there aren't opportunities in the first place.

I agree that's definitely the main culprit for many adult men but given this is the first mention I've seen of this idea after scrolling past dozens of comments above this one either attempting to re-invent the country club or immediately ascribe the problem to laundry list of imagined cultural enemies, I have to conclude we're either describing a different issue entirely or people generally have no idea why they're actually lonely

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#479

Post by Moomoomoo309 » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:13 PM UTC

SiempreViernes wrote: post #397

wvh wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't disagree, but some hard things don't get said when the other gender is around, especially with men of a certain age. It takes a lot for many men to even out loud say the word "lonely" or "sad" or "worthless". A lot of male conversation is silent. The whole spiel is to project and feel capable of dealing with the world, to feel useful, to be a Man. To feel otherwise is not "masculine". To admit this to mixed com…

Funny, because the traditional role of a women is exactly to be the one who hears all these hard things and helps the man overcome them. Extra funny hat women should be excluded so men can talk about feeling lonely and how they wish they had a woman.

It only takes one time: a woman who sees a man as less than for admitting his weakness makes him never talk about that stuff around women again.

Unfortunately, there are many women who react this way, so the cycle continues. I don't necessarily blame women for this, it's more about the social expectations for men, the moment they violate that expectation and are "punished" for it, they follow it to the letter, because they then know what happens if they don't.

Re: I'm starting a social club to solve the male loneliness epidemic

#480

Post by anton-c » Fri, May 30, 2025, 1:14 PM UTC

groestl wrote: post #321

imjustaghost wrote: post #220

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a good point. I am a married man. As a woman, my wife cannot give me guy time - hence I love to hang out with my friends (who are all guys) - and I cannot give her girl time - hence she loves to hang out with her friends (who are all girls). The only women I am happy to be friendly with are colleagues (in a professional manner), family and ladies that my wife and I are friends with. A lot of people baulk at t…

I'm sure it's common, but I've always hung around in mixed groups, doing whatever, so I'm puzzled and curious what guy time or girl time even is.

You've really never had an attractive member of the opposite sex show up and the girls/guys get all competitive? I'm wondering how that's possible, it happened multiple times a week - a day even - to me in high school and college. I guess always being in mixed groups meant it was always subtly in play.

5 dudes chilling is a different dynamic than 3 guys 2 girls. People who keep insisting it's about some weird need for men to be offensive don't seem to have ever observed basic gender dynamics.(not saying you are, other responders)