311–320 of 322 posts
> In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing. Wow. This part really resonated with me. I will try to keep this in mind.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…
This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so. Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food). If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option. I watched Lars and the Real Girl with…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Could you perhaps imagine a reason why a person asking you to come with them to a funeral might feel it is valuable to them that you come? Maybe they want to remember the deceased with you in a setting that is about remembering the deceased? Is that less valuable than wanting to go to a party together?
Oh, no if someone asks me to come I undertsand that it's important for them. So, I'd go to support my friend, but I'd keep feeling like I'm wasting my time. Just as if a friend asked my be go to their Mormon baptism.
It’s also a matter of regret minimization. 9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to. I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to. Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.
Conversely I went to one high school reunion I was feeling iffy about, had an okay time but was also completely happy just never going to anymore (and haven't). But there's definitely some other effects in play there: revisiting people from your past who you've lost touch with is a pretty fraught experience, at least for me because ultimately the relationship is at best frozen in time from whenever you last talked: h…
But it was the complete opposite. There was a committee of four students that planned it, they set up a tour of the building with the new principal in the morning, they rented out a venue that had an almost prom-like feel to it, there was a memorial to four students that had died (three of which I wasn't even aware of, one of which was my friend that shot and killed himself while we were still in high school, so it was nice to see him remembered).
Tons of people were there (like at least 60 people), and I talked to people I barely talked to in high school because I was so shy (and realized my reputation seemed to be a bit higher than I had anticipated, I just thought I was the quiet weird kid), and I was able to remember and reconnect to some friendships I had mostly forgotten about in the years since, and see how these people had changed since up close instead of just some random posts on Facebook.
It was really great for the most part. Only downer was seeing how many people had kids and how old those children were (a few people were nearly empty nesters already), since I still don't have children yet.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
People didn't go to visit her while being alive because they genuinely didn't care about her, or didn't care enough to bother to visit. They showed up in a funeral not because of her, but because they were afraid of what others would say about them if they didn't show up. This is the sad reality of human behaviour in this day and age.
I really don't think that's true. It's combination of a couple of things. 1. Life is busy, it's hard to find time, and easy to put off 2. They are anxious about what to say, and it really sucks going to places where people die. 3. There are a lot of people who show up to funerals because they are trying to support the friends and family of the deceased and don't really have any relationship with the deceased. My frie…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Like 80% of your authentic urges have to be repressed to, erm, live in a society. It's then hard to find a good point to stop doing that.
I have a 3.5 year old son and the thought HAS occurred to me- "if we never learned to 'behave' (i.e., conform to societal norms), would we all just continue to be little selfish dopamine monsters?" lol You might say the foundation of polite society itself rests heavily on the shoulders of millions of weary parents with varying amounts of care and effort expended
Earlier quoted context omitted.
It was my failure that hurt me, I think.
It's okay to give yourself some reprieve. People are often not in their right mind when grieving. It's that time of year when It's a Wonderful Life shows up on TV. Have you ever seen the scene in the boardroom just after Jimmy Stewart's character's father died and left him the Building & Loan business? If you look closely, he's wearing a black arm band. That used to be customary as a way to signaling to people "I'm g…
The thesis is this paragraph and I think it's quite striking and important
> "Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.
I think I won't go to my parents funeral (when the time comes). I don't see the value of standing next to their corpses. I didn't go to my grandma funeral, I don't regret it. I regret not having had deeper relationship with her. Same with my parents. Will have many regrets, but I believe not saying goobye to their corpses won't be one.
Funerals aren't about saying goodbye to corpses. They're collective, complex rituals that aid the grieving process.