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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#301

Post by lambdaphagy »

I-M-S wrote: post #242
lambdaphagy wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I recently had the occasion to visit the deathbed of a relative who died with much of his family deeply wounded by, and angry at, him. Had you known him, you might have called him a horrible person and not without some backing for that claim. But I went because I felt a duty to my relatives that isn’t released just because they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain: he had indirectly given me life, even if he had d…

By being too lenient towards those who have not deserved it, we are being unjust towards those who have.

I guess I've just never felt as though my condolences for a grieving family were a prize to be earned.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#302

Post by anal_reactor »

jjw1414 wrote: post #199
anal_reactor wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are three groups of people on HN: - kids who just graduated and realize that they've been told lies and need some life advice - midlife crisis - retirees who can see the death slowly approaching and reevaluate their lives in panic

Which group are you in?

First one

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#303

Post by mulmen »

bluGill wrote: post #298
mulmen wrote: post #273

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom. According to you. I’d be surprised if such an opportunity wasn’t presented. > As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture, Except to call it odd. > only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked. You brought up culture. This was clearly a case of an open mic.…

> According to you No, according to what happened in that instance. If this was normal in the culture of that family someone would have gone to the mic. Do not confuse my culture with the culture in question. > I’d be surprised if such an opportunity wasn’t presented. Which is a reflection on your culture. > Except to call it odd Again, odd in terms of that one particular culture. > This was clearly a case of an open…

I guess we drew different conclusions. To me lack of optional participation doesn’t imply the offer was inappropriate. Calling this cultural requires a much narrower definition of culture than I would use.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#304

Post by getnormality »

wvlia5 wrote: post #288
bowsamic wrote: post #137

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Socially, i.e. about other people?

A yes, but it's odd to me that other people want me to be at a funeral with them. If we have a great relationship, I can lend you money, share my house, get you a date, do some errands for you, take you to a party, listen to your thoughts and give you feedback. All valuable things I can do for you regardless of my funeral attendance. But just standing at a funeral? I don't see how is that valuable. Maybe for the chat…

Could you perhaps imagine a reason why a person asking you to come with them to a funeral might feel it is valuable to them that you come?

Maybe they want to remember the deceased with you in a setting that is about remembering the deceased?

Is that less valuable than wanting to go to a party together?

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#305

Post by notnaut »

hinkley wrote: post #272
seanhunter wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…

This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so. Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food). If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option. I watched Lars and the Real Girl with…

Reminds me of a few scenes from Reservation Dogs, which is a pretty good show if you’re ever looking for something to watch!

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#306

Post by Izkata »

o11c wrote: post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

Seems high to me. Similar to another commenter, I'm in my 30s and I think I've only been to 3 - both grandmothers and maybe a cousin. But I only remember one, and I don't remember which of them it was for.

For us it was only normal to go to funerals for family members, and my parents' generation is getting up there but still alive. So only your four grandparents are what you'd usually expect by that age.

I never even heard about deaths in friends' families unless it was a reason they were missing school.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#307

Post by swat535 »

hinkley wrote: post #272
seanhunter wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…

This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so. Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food). If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option. I watched Lars and the Real Girl with…

Yea I think it’s a very Christian thing actually, visiting the sick is one of the works of mercy and all Christians are called to perform them regularly.

I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#308

Post by wvlia5 »

getnormality wrote: post #304
wvlia5 wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A yes, but it's odd to me that other people want me to be at a funeral with them. If we have a great relationship, I can lend you money, share my house, get you a date, do some errands for you, take you to a party, listen to your thoughts and give you feedback. All valuable things I can do for you regardless of my funeral attendance. But just standing at a funeral? I don't see how is that valuable. Maybe for the chat…

Could you perhaps imagine a reason why a person asking you to come with them to a funeral might feel it is valuable to them that you come? Maybe they want to remember the deceased with you in a setting that is about remembering the deceased? Is that less valuable than wanting to go to a party together?

Oh, no if someone asks me to come I undertsand that it's important for them. So, I'd go to support my friend, but I'd keep feeling like I'm wasting my time. Just as if a friend asked my be go to their Mormon baptism.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#309

Post by NedF »

cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

> Please visit people when they are still alive.

Funerals are for the living, it's strengthening your friendships and relationships.

This is the point the article is trying to make. Parties and gatherings matter, don't confuse your birthday, Brit Milah or funeral being about you. It's selfish not have these ceremonies, they are about community and others.

It's a long road getting society more community focused again.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#310

Post by [deleted] »

wvlia5 wrote: post #308
getnormality wrote: post #304

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Could you perhaps imagine a reason why a person asking you to come with them to a funeral might feel it is valuable to them that you come? Maybe they want to remember the deceased with you in a setting that is about remembering the deceased? Is that less valuable than wanting to go to a party together?

Oh, no if someone asks me to come I undertsand that it's important for them. So, I'd go to support my friend, but I'd keep feeling like I'm wasting my time. Just as if a friend asked my be go to their Mormon baptism.

[deleted]
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