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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#551

Post by giardini »

marrgTA wrote: post #268
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

marrgTA says >...make him feel really truly huge as a Protector ... Aim for the bulkier gym rat guys, maybe veterans or active duty men that can 'Provide/r' a really good healthcare and retirement plan, and again the outdoorsy hunters .... You're in Austin, ... lot of gun start-ups there... Talk up how unsafe you feel ... how your ex was abusive ... you really like a guy that can take care of you in a fight. ... be easily startled.

Bad advice, badly misinformed, all around. And lying to your intended is not a good recommendation:

- Crime in Austin is down and the town is incredibly left-leaning despite being in Texas. Your real problem is finding a single heterosexual male willing to procreate who has matching political views (unless you don't mind the difference),

- "Lot of gun start-ups there (Austin)" - incredible!

- The likelihood of getting in a fight in Austin, indeed, most anywhere, is slim: talking about such marks you as paranoid. [Chicago, maybe less paranoid!]. And, as everyone knows, in Texas we don't fight - we shoot each other [just joking!]. But again, pretending to fear a fight is lying.

That aside, my one question to you is why aren't you married yet - why have you rejected those men you've met who are willing to marry?

And finally, consider:

- moving to Utah (where everyone will make it their task to find you a suitable partner - they're very good at this and the Mormons are wonderful people). And Utah is a fantastic place to raise children. Hard to get good coffee there sometimes though.

- dating foreign nationals who need citizenship. Many would be surprised and pleased that you want to have children. [OTOH they might worry about your age (or their mother would!8-)).]

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#552

Post by ostenning »

marrgTA wrote: post #531
ostenning wrote: post #443

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m sorry but I find this overly simplified psychological model of men quite demeaning. Sure you will find men who do fit this model, but why the hell would you want to? You are essentially asking op to change who she is to fit into an outdated model of the world. Moreover the person she finds will likely be completely incompatible for her and even abusive toward her. This is bad advice

Thanks for the feedback! The 3Ps model comes from Gilmore's 1991 book Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity . It's a dense read and very well researched. The 3Ps comes out of the studies on male honor and that culture and how they are all linked together. Very few societies do not have male honor cultures. And yes, not all males participate in their honor culture, but as a consequence they are not c…

A man can have honor and represent amicable qualities: wanting to provide and protect - nothing wrong with that, but if a man has a problem with a woman being a provider or protector then thats a recipe for disaster. You shouldn’t have to make yourself appear weak so that a man is attracted to you.

Its better to filter out people who don’t accept you for who you are rather than bend over backwards to try to appease someone. If you are a kickass woman entrepreneur then lean into that and find someone who admires that quality in you.

In regards to the potentially abusive situation, let me elaborate: If a man needs a woman to be weaker than him, in my mind that is toxic and potentially abusive. Best filter these people out from the beginning by being honest with yourself and them

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#553

Post by mitjam »

Hi, I am Kind of old school and never used a dating app. I believe most couples Met when they were in a new situation, eg. first week in university, new job etc. Maybe throw yourself into a period of adventure in your life. Like travel the world for a year or try out different, simpler but fun and social jobs - basically enjoy your life with an open heart, mind and arms. This is probably better than a more facts and numbers driven dating app approach.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#555

Post by savorypiano »

mountainb wrote: post #35

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categor…

Upvote for this one.

You might actually WANT a 2nd hand man, because those who have had a family before would have less qualms doing it again (if they have the means) and can decide fast knowing what they are getting into.

What you are short on is time, but I assume you don't want to compromise either. Someone who is widowed or divorce (that's not his fault) isn't a compromise in his quality as an individual, but one of time and some resources. But he would very much appreciate a mature woman who is open to his family.

Not gonna lie: if I didn't have kids and was single, I'd shoot for early 30's max until I was into my 50's. Unless you were a knockout who is just better than me (but then you wouldn't want me either). But having kids changes that equation immensely, because I'd appreciate the partner aspect much more because there is less pressure to have multiple kids.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#557

Post by mib32 »

telchior wrote: post #335
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I'm not sure if I'm reading the previous comment and this one correctly, but it sounds like you're up front with your dates about what you want -- the monogamy, kids, etc. And that could work well, but... it also might not. It creates a feeling of pressure, which I'll try to explain: Some time back, I was set up for a date with an absolutely amazing woman. She was attractive, fit, wealthy, worked as a CTO in a very s…

Maybe we, men, really better want to impregnate woman sort of surprisingly.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#558

Post by [deleted] »

whydoineedthis wrote: post #239
actfrench wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#559

Post by lurquer »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

> Why shouldn’t it be that I can have a strategic goal in my life to have kids and a family and work towards achieving that in an active, not passive way ?

How’s that working out for you?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#560

Post by actfrench »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Ok. I’m not sure how me talking about wanting to have kids in this post spun into me telling every man on the first date that I’m desperate to have kids immediately. That’s obviously not something I would do. I might bring it up casually a couple dates in or put it on my dating profile. Seems like people are kind of making a stretch.
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