Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

The 3Ps model comes from Gilmore's 1991 book Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity. It's a dense read and very well researched. The 3Ps comes out of the studies on male honor and that culture and how they are all linked together. Very few societies do not have male honor cultures. And yes, not all males participate in their honor culture, but as a consequence they are not considered 'real men' in their culture. The culture of men in Texas very much has the 3Ps defining a 'real man'.

https://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Making-Cultural-Concepts-Masc...

As for asking OP to change, welp, yeah. I mean, she's literally asking HN what she needs to change to get a man to settle with her.

I don't see why they would be abusive at all. The Protector role is the literal opposite of that. A 'real man' protects his family and loved ones, he does not harm them. This is in part why wife-beaters and child abusers are so reviled in the culture and courts of Texas.

Hopefully the book will be a good summer read for you. Thanks again!

My first wife's sister was a typical example, perfect on paper but a total trainwreck IRL. Her constant mindfulness retreats and yoga sessions (she was an instructor) had reinforced her self-image to such an extent that she couldn't see herself as anything but blameless in any manifest issue with another person while in reality, she was one of the worst narcissists I've ever encountered and a pathological manipulator to boot.

I'm not against activities such as meditation or yoga, as long as they're framed properly. They're inherently escapist and do not magically make someone a better person.

1. Find a guy from a set that's undervalued. For example: 20-something shy nerd that's inexperienced with women, and doesn't have a lot of self confidence. In 10 years, they would probably be a "catch" but caught by someone else then. Think grad/law/med student at highly competitive technical university.

For example, read about Scott Aaronson's early adult years https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/01/the-blo... and the type of person who he could have connected to then.

Downside is you may not find them immediately attractive, but you need to have some perspective on what they will be like with a few years of maturity and self-confidence will bring. Note they may not be that actively dating, so it might require extra effort to meet, and the stigma some may attach to going out with someone 10-15 years younger.

2. Cosmetic surgery. Be brutally honest on what can take you from, say, an 8 to a 9. Guys like certain physical attributes, and in general may get you more attention even outside of a dating app.

3. Be more open to men you're not immediately attracted to. Perhaps you think they're obese--but that could be a reflection of being single in their 30s and 40s and being unmotivated. Guys can clean up real well if they have a reason to.

4. Go move to different city/countries for a few weeks or months. You'll likely get some attention as a new person and get some totally different types of men to date.

5. Hit up your married networks. Be shameless. Ask your female friends to ask their spouses if they know anyone at work. Could be "Yeah, Dave is a mess, just got divorced after his wife cheated on him--he needs someone sweet and understanding". DON'T ask for pictures before agreeing to date, just base it on your friend's character assessments.