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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#411

Post by withinboredom »

viraptor wrote: post #369
withinboredom wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All my best/favorite relationships came when explicitly not looking for anything. If it sounds counter-intuitive, it really is. Kinda like turning right on a motorcycle to go left. There’s no harm in trying it for a couple of months, in the worst case, you don’t meet anyone. But “bad advice?” That’s pushing it.

Not bad because it's untrue, but because it's just incidental to something more specific. For example concentrating on your hobbies and getting to know people that way, or finding some new group activity, or spending more time with friends and converting one, or just being in places you enjoy rather than spending time on internet dating is a specific thing to do that works for finding someone compatible. But if you o…

It's not incidental. If you think about the attributes of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and the attributes you want them to see in you, either implied or explicitly, one of those attributes will most likely be "happy." Most people don't want to seriously date angry/sad/etc people, but who knows. Either way, if dating and "looking" is making you not-happy (which is the sense I got from OP's post), then you need to stop. Because even if you found someone, the odds of them wanting to continue with someone who doesn't come across as happy is nil.

It might be worth clarifying the definition of "happy." I'm not talking about all smiles and shit, you can get angry, even as a "happy person". I mean more like the source of happiness comes from within. Your spouse's job is not to make you happy, no one is on this planet to make you happy. The only person who can make you happy is yourself, so find what brings you joy and do that thing, but try to make it a thing that is around other people doing something similar (not sitting in a house all alone).

If you are happy, content, etc, people will subconsciously seek you out just as we all subconsciously seek out those people to be in our lives. Oh, and get outside your friend group ... like, way outside it. There's a lot more to it than that and I've hand-waved a lot of it, but I'd have to write a book and I really don't want to.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#413

Post by free-malloc »

vimy wrote: post #347
halefx wrote: post #345

There are plenty of people giving advice here on general life stuff and a lot of it seems pretty good, but I don't know how actionable all of it is for you right away. I met my wife on OkCupid. I think that OkCupid is probably the best online dating site of the major ones (or at least it was when I used it), but it requires some effort. Assuming they haven't changed too much, I think this would help anyone using it:…

Okcupid turned into a Tinder clone. A really inferior one.

As someone who met my wife on OKC, this is sad. They valued user engagement over user engagement.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#414

Post by viraptor »

withinboredom wrote: post #411
viraptor wrote: post #369

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not bad because it's untrue, but because it's just incidental to something more specific. For example concentrating on your hobbies and getting to know people that way, or finding some new group activity, or spending more time with friends and converting one, or just being in places you enjoy rather than spending time on internet dating is a specific thing to do that works for finding someone compatible. But if you o…

It's not incidental. If you think about the attributes of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and the attributes you want them to see in you, either implied or explicitly, one of those attributes will most likely be "happy." Most people don't want to seriously date angry/sad/etc people, but who knows. Either way, if dating and "looking" is making you not-happy (which is the sense I got from OP's…

I think you agree with me, we just have a different way of describing this - because I agree with everything you said apart from "It's not incidental" which I'd replace with "that's why it's incidental" :-)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#415

Post by avmich »

rayiner wrote: post #359
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

I suspect the bigger challenges in the modern dating market is guys who assume they have all the time in the world to have kids. (Which is not true. Sperm quality degrades with age.) For what it’s worth, my wife’s view is that women who want kids should be clear about that up front to filter out guys who aren’t like minded. They are out there. Men want kids as much as women, statistically. Maybe find a south Asian gu…

> (Which is not true. Sperm quality degrades with age.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Civil_War_widows_who_...

On December 10, 1927, the then-21-year-old Stewart married the 81-year-old Martin, primarily to get help raising her son and because his $50 per month Confederate pension check guaranteed her a degree of financial security. She gave birth to a second son, Willie Martin, 10 months after her wedding to William Jasper Martin, who was 82 at the time of the child's birth.

The child trap can work both ways - a woman wanting a child but not a spouse may attempt to divorce and leave with the child, which could be a turn-off for men who actually want children but want the woman to value them - not only as fathers.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#416

Post by pcthrowaway »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

I'm very into women who can provide for themselves, and potentially me (and I them) in case we need to lean on each other.

But I also 100% don't want to make kids, so probably not your target audience.

I'd actually be open to the idea of raising kids, parenting, adopting, etc., I just don't want to make them.

Not offering myself, but it's entirely possible there are men with similar preferences (or who had a vasectomy, etc.).. are you overlooking them as possible matches? Because you could have your relationship and your kids, and if there's no pressure on being the bio-dad within any time-frame, maybe that takes pressure off relationship candidates also

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#418

Post by sawmurai »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

Based on my own - very Eurocentric - experience, and my circle of friends, relationships where only one part is the provider all failed (to reiterate: not all of them fail, just the relationship of people I personally know/friends of friends). It was about the money. Once one party starts to feel that the other is spending “their” money, the wheels come off. Maybe it worked better when divorce was frowned upon.

As for the protector… it does not matter how buff you are, in 99% of the time your average male will still be more able to fight off a physical threat. But yes, there are men who feel inferior because of being less fit. And there are men, who will applaud it and have no trouble lifting less weight than you. Guess who is more self confident…

About the procreation: that one I could imagine. If you want to badly have kids as a man, or want to badly leave that option for the future, you’d probably pick a spouse with enough “runway”. But there are also many guys who rather enjoy the money and don’t want kids.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#419

Post by bergenty »

GoldenMonkey wrote: post #202

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#420

Post by dieselgate »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

I’m a guy fwiw and think this is the best comment I’ve seen so far on the thread. Mostly because: I agree with it, think the advice/reasoning about ulterior motives and the luxury of time is wise, and lays out some good alternatives for OP.

Best of luck to the above poster and OP

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