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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#341

Post by rafaelero »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

Maybe as a gay man my advice doesn't fit here, but that is not my experience at all. Gay couples work nicely even if they both earn similar income and there is no "provider".

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#342

Post by naveen99 »

I don’t understand letting the 1/10 men you chose ghost you instead of just putting out. I mean you are wanting to have their baby.

Also being good in bed isn’t rocket science. Just have them rub your clit while they fuck at the same time. coplay is the new foreplay.

finally, see if you are able to actually keep some of the 7,8,9 / 10 guys you are rejecting (for a month or two), for practice if nothing else.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#343

Post by actfrench »

metadat wrote: post #165
bsaul wrote: post #149

Given the little time you have left, i'd recommend going with that friend that's been secretely in love with you, but you've only ever considered a friend. My guess is that you've built yourself a modern romantic image of what a couple should be (aka : two maddly in love young beautiful people having crazy passionate sex every night) instead of the traditional one (two grown ups trying to build a family against the c…

As a guy, on average you're actually getting more attractive as you age. For women, it works the opposite, which can understandably be very difficult for former hotties. The tables flip around 35-40 years old. Regardless, I wish you all the best and hope you find someone as awesome as I'm certain you are!

Funny. I feel I’m much more attractive now then when I was 30 and have heard the same from many women my age. Most people I meet think I’m 30, not 41. I eat really healthy, rarely drink, exercise more and have just learned better self-care, better fashion, better makeup and hair. Like a lot of nyc women, I’ve been constantly improving myself. A lot of men my age , by contrast seem to be balding and overweight…

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#344

Post by actfrench »

generalizations wrote: post #40

Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine there's only one person on here trying to find someone. If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would be, too.

Love it! I have to work up my courage a little more though :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#345

Post by halefx »

There are plenty of people giving advice here on general life stuff and a lot of it seems pretty good, but I don't know how actionable all of it is for you right away.

I met my wife on OkCupid. I think that OkCupid is probably the best online dating site of the major ones (or at least it was when I used it), but it requires some effort. Assuming they haven't changed too much, I think this would help anyone using it:

1. Write a meaningful profile (you can ask r/okcupid for feedback if you think you need it, but I doubt that you do) and include photos showing different scenarios/poses/activities

2. Answer questions and honestly include their importance to you ( https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-most-important-questions-on-... )

3. "Hide" profiles that do not appeal to you. This removes them from your results and also removes you from their results

4. Be honest with yourself about dealbreakers and use them to "Hide" results regardless of any other traits a profile may have. If you know that you want children, don't even respond to (or look at) a profile that says they don't. If you know that you only want to raise kids with a nonsmoker, filter out smokers, etc. In my experience, political affiliation is one metric that can be ignore here. People who are compatible with you will be obvious from other questions that are more important. -ists and -isms are found in all political parties.

5. Prioritize profiles/people (they aren't "people" until you meet them) who have physical traits that you find subjectively attractive. If you prefer redheads, prioritize those profiles. If you prefer short men, prioritize those. If you've been on 120 dates, you should be able to come up with something here.

6. Meet quickly, don't spend days/weeks messaging someone before meeting. First date should only ever be beverages. Second date can be a simple activity, but it needs to still be focused on talking.

Good luck

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#347

Post by vimy »

halefx wrote: post #345

There are plenty of people giving advice here on general life stuff and a lot of it seems pretty good, but I don't know how actionable all of it is for you right away. I met my wife on OkCupid. I think that OkCupid is probably the best online dating site of the major ones (or at least it was when I used it), but it requires some effort. Assuming they haven't changed too much, I think this would help anyone using it:…

Okcupid turned into a Tinder clone. A really inferior one.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#348

Post by rafaelero »

mtklein wrote: post #94

Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch? No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You po…

So cute! Wishing you the best.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#349

Post by aaaaaaaaata »

actfrench wrote: post #302
jcrben wrote: post #291

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All this talk about men being threatened by your career - eh, I really can't relate. I wouldn't focus or worry about that. I'd just recommend working to accept older male features: balding, dad bod, maybe not too tall, etc. Have you read the story of Chris McKinlay hacking Okcupid? https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/ Your post could be a personals ad of sorts but you stopped short of inviting readers t…

Maybe that’s the best idea yet :) and actually it looks like some dates might even come out of this post unexpectedly!!

Go where your target market is, startup 101.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#350

Post by colinprince »

I am reading and cheering your openness and vulnerability -- it seems to have sparked vulnerability in your commenters.

I'm a man, 53 now and 5 years divorced with one wonderful daughter 15.

There have been a lot of pitfalls along the way and one of the deepest, for me, was not being able to be honest with myself about my goals. So hearing about your life and choices honestly has me scratching my head here, since you are nothing if not clear eyed.

I guess I'd have to say that the pool you are fishing in is overfished maybe? Any chance you could change the pool perhaps? Differently educated, differently abled, different culture perhaps?

Anyhow I am inspired to reach out more myself. I admire your candour.

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