Your candidate must be a big risk taker: perhaps he's heliskiing now or sailing on a fancy boat? He'd have to make a life changing decision to marry you after just weeks of knowing you: so he's either careless (and thus a poor loser) or is exceptionally good at assessing risk.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
381–390 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#382Have you considered freezing your eggs? It’s quite common for career women to do so nowadays.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#383How did this get through?
This is one of the harsh realities leftists struggle with most. Their world view is a carefully constructed denial of reality. Then, suddenly something that can't be pretended away - like a perimenopausal woman who thinks kids are in her future - causes a shitstorm. At the top of the comment section, daydreamers offering her comforting lies. At the bottom, people laughing at another victim of a cult ideology.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#384Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation may be the best bet? Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals that might trip up two native speakers. There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration orientated spouse and that can work if…
As someone who stumbled into a long term relationship with an immigrant of a very different race and culture this is probably the last thing I would recommend to an middle-aged person, especially one wanting to have kids. I know that might be hard to believe if you've looked at my profile/post history but I used to be very liberal and believed in the whole "race doesn't matter" thing. The enormous amount of propagand…
race doesn't matter. culture does. they are often aligned, but not always. different cultures can work if both partners are open and willing to compromise.
older people can be more mature about it but also less easy to adapt.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#385Have you considered dating somebody for more than 2-3 dates. Sometimes you don't really get to experience the true person since they're nervous, scared, etc. The more you know and experience somebody, the more they grow on you. Also, have you considered dating people who you wouldn't normally date. You might end up realizing some of the things you required in a man isn't what you really want.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#386Earlier quoted context omitted.
Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…
All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…
> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your age…” again, via text before we even met.
Please don't take what I'm about to say as an attack on you; I'm going to describe the human condition that ALL of us suffer from, using your situation as an example.
What you've just described is the inverse of the kind of vibe you're giving off to potential partners, specifically: an ulterior motive. This is absolutely a turn-off because it gives the impression that the person is just secondary to the goal (a kind of "nice to have"). In your case, an incubator for their child, and in their case some sperm and 18 years of financial liability should it not work out and worst case you get full custody. When things fall apart, the war will be bitter and the one using the other will ruin both the child's and the ex-partner's life as they scorch the earth to fulfill their need.
So there is already conflict and ulterior motives on both sides, and you haven't even spoken yet! Not the best place to start from...
Nobody wants to be played for a fool; that's why you need a long dating process to suss out whether the other person is honorable and wants you for you, or is just using you to satisfy some need.
Ideally, you'd both be without ulterior motive when you start dating, but neither party has that option anymore because the clock is ticking. So you really do need to acknowledge the elephant in the room, and work together to come up with a solution/compromise that both can be satisfied with. These include:
- Not having children
- Freezing eggs
- Adopting
- Having children before dating (sperm donors)
Whichever route you're leaning towards, you're going to need to have a frank talk with any man you talk to about dating, and you'll need to have this conversation early, because BOTH of you are running low on time (you moreso than him), which breeds desperation. And desperation is a HUGE turn off unless you can both have a real, mature conversation about the reality you face, and decide whether you can work together or not. This is no easy task, which is why the dating process usually takes years. And you definitely DO NOT want to bring children into the picture until those years have been spent together. Anyone who tries to take short cuts in this part is being irresponsible, and that's a huge turn off. That's why you're disgusted by the behavior you mentioned.
TBH your most likely chance for success would be to agree to adopt, because then you gain the luxury of time again and could date in peace and really get to know each other without this nagging feeling that you're merely mr/ms Right Now. But any of those solutions still have a decent chance of success, so it's on you to decide what will be your plan A and plan B, and make sure anyone you date is on board with that.
The strongest signal you can give that you're a fit parent and partner is to demonstrate that you've thought this all through very carefully for the child's sake, and expect any potential partner to as well.
Good luck and godspeed!
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#387One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…
Hi sorry for personal question, but you meant you had a child at 43?
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#388Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…
I am going to do this. I intuitively feel that this is the right path forward for me. Kissing someone I just met oj a dating app is super weird and creepy to me. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks, friend :)
I think it's just healthier. You go out and have a good time. Getting a date is just icing on the cake. You do online dating, anything short of success is a failure.
Plus you get to vet people before creating any expectations of an outcome.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#389Don’t be discouraged. You appear to be a very goal-oriented systematic person, maybe lacking some reflective skills but what do I know. But life is not systemic and goal-oriented. You kinda can’t force it. The differential equations underlying the complex tangle of feedback that we call society care little about what you want or need. So maybe just let things happen and try to enjoy whatever is happening? I’m not saying letting yourself go or giving up but rather accepting the world does not follow a checklist and neither does it do what you want. Besides, seeing someone, by your description, perfect, with a laser-like focus on something would be quite terrifying. I’m not perfect, I don’t have that sort of focus and I would not even know how to start with trying to keep up with you.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#390A lot of useful things have already been said, so I'll attempt to add value by asking a few questions that might be useful for you to ponder. I'll be as constructive and encouraging as I can.
1. You mentioned you were raised by a single mom - have you seen a healthy marriage before? Perhaps the marriage of close friend or relative? Right now, you have some image in your mind about what "falling in love" and "having a family" means. Where did this image come from? All of us are affected by TV and movies, of course, but, as an adult, you need to see real flesh-and-blood marriages, up-close. Find one or two couples you trust and respect and just ask, and they should be happy to let you in and help. Figure out how to answer this question - what does a good marriage look like to you?
2. More generally, it seems that you are in introspective person - lots of books, podcasts, therapy, exercise, apps. You've dated a lot. But it seems like it's solitary endeavor for you. Do you have close friends/family? Do you have someone you absolutely trust, who understands your life in enough detail that they can see through the "everything's great, how about you?" surface layer? Basically, it's tough to keep your own counsel, to be your own dating coach. You need someone else who can be a loving critic. Ideally, someone who is mature and relationally-successful.
3. We, as ego-protecting humans, have an incredible capacity for self-deception. Something isn't quite adding up. Given your qualities, your evident desire, and your extensive efforts - you should have been more successful they you currently are. Are you sure you're telling the whole story here? For example, some people deeply desire emotional intimacy, but become fearful when actual intimacy is within reach, because they can't bring themselves to show true vulnerability, and risk true rejection. Some people don't want to lose optionality, as, after all, marrying one person means losing out on the option of marrying anyone else. There's something missing here. You don't have to tell me, but it is important that you tell yourself.
4. While often unpleasant to think about, dating has a comparative, competitive aspect. At the very least, your competition will include 30-year-olds who resemble what you were like at 30. In what ways have your grown and become better than the 30-year-old you? What is your "competitive advantage"? And what kind of man will value and appreciate these qualities? Who is your "target audience"? Bluntly, what type of guy is going to pick you over the 30-year-old version of you?
5. Not a question, but I want to agree with comments encouraging you to look at "second-hand men". Basically, you missed the first bus, where all the conventional/normal people paired up between 25-35 years old. What's left are those who didn't get paired-up, or were paired-up but no longer are (divorced, widowed). You might have to go outside the apps, and maybe outside your usual circles in Austin to find them. Almost by definition, they will not be on the stereotypical life trajectory. In my mind, you're looking for someone who has been knocked down but has gotten back up, someone that life has already sanded away the rough edges. My aunt got married pretty late (40), and she found a chain-smoking, obese businessman who was working himself into an early grave. He quit smoking for her, started losing weight, and their two kids are now in college. He's a really cool guy, super funny and generous. How she saw that, back then, I don't know. Somehow I don't think the apps would have matched them.
6. Also not a question - but, if you haven't noticed, people in Texas tend to get married early, and Austin is a college town - there will be an endless supply of marriage-minded 20-year-old women there. Food for thought.
Good luck. And in case it matters, I am a happily-married Texan man with two kids, and, if you ever decide to convert to Christianity, I'd be happy to introduce you to an eligible (and slim and tall) doctor with a somewhat controlling mother.