211–220 of 741 posts
Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…
I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…
I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person.
Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)
Austin is not a good place for women to find a man. It favors educated, successful older men, pairing with younger women.
Go west. Silicon Valley. Less men, more women.
Dating apps tend to have two attachment styles - anxious attached, avoidant (majority for the men on these apps).
And, you may have an avoidant attachment style yourself.
Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…
I've had some guy friends who have been similarly focused on getting married. Great guys, who for the record, are now married to lovely women. But it definitely didn't happen on their timelines or on the paths they intended.
By now you've almost certainly got your list of must-haves and dealbreakers set. But it's interesting that you've been pretty vague about the reasons that most of your relationships haven't worked out. I don't think you're being evasive. But I do think maybe you just don't know. For any given guy, you can give a yes/no answer, but maybe you can't say why.
So let me ask you about your dreams of falling in love and having a family, because there might be some clues in there. What _are_ your dreams? Are they dreams of tying a bow in the hair of your 4-year-old daughter in a princess dress? Watching your 10-year-old head off to summer science camp? Wedding day? Baby shower? Bringing the new baby home from the hospital? Volunteering at the kid's school? Arranging the perfect birthday party?
Or are they dreams about long walks on the beach with your husband? Walking down the aisle on your wedding day? Going line dancing? The two of you making dinner together and snuggling up on the couch to watch a pretentious artsy film and MST3K it? Or family camping trips? Cross-country drives to see the national parks? (Side note: if, in the previous paragraph, you didn't quite notice that none of those items involved a husband, that's worth reflecting on. Not worth getting worked up about, but worth reflecting on.)
The dreams you've had all your life might help you understand what it is that's keeping your dates from turning into more. For example, if you pictured an adventurous husband who'd teach your kids to ride horses and you realize you're dating super-placid, risk-averse dudes, that might be a light-bulb moment.
Two pieces of advice, then a bit of encouragement.
First, it seems like you're hyper-focused on getting married. Relax. Observe. Enjoy. Meet some guys with the express purpose of getting honest feedback on how you come across. In your own mind, take marriage off the table for six months to a year. Just plain not allowed. Maaaaaaybe you can date. If you've a trusted friend, she can give you permission to go on a second date if there's a guy that's just perfect.
Second, there's a surprisingly deep piece of advice hidden in the trite-sounding "become the person the person you're looking for is looking for". You need to know who/what you're looking for. To do that, you need to know yourself well enough to know who/what you're looking for, and that you're not adding extra criteria on top of that. ("He has to be kind...oh, and handsome! and rich! and famous!") It sounds like you've been working on yourself, but maybe a little bit more focused on making yourself a better catch, rather than on figuring out what you're going after and choosing the right bait (to stretch the fishing analogy too far!).
So that advice really all kind of fits together.
But now, the encouragement.
If your guy friends are telling you you're smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature, well, I've never met you. I'll trust what they're saying. Ms. Actfrench, I agree with them. You are smart and beautiful and kind. You're working to make the world a better place. That's remarkable. If one of my daughters turned 41 and wasn't married, but was smart and beautiful and kind and working to make the world a better place, I'd tell her I was proud of her and it'd be the truth. And I'd tell her this, too, if she were anxious to get married: It's discouraging when things don't work out the way you want them to. So keep on making the world a better place. And as you're doing that, there will come a time when you'll look to your right or your left and see a guy who's also working to make the world a better place and you think he might be something special, give him a chance. Maybe he'll be the one you get to make the world a better place with, together.
(Hope this helps!)
If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…
This is actually an incredibly wonderful, very validating and encouraging response. I’ve been reading a bit about light tailed and heavy tailed systems and I think that this quite reflects the heavy -tailed nature of dating but also the magic and possibility . I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still…
The last thing she wondered about is whether you have been explicit with your therapist about your goals? Self-improvement is great, but therapists aren't only for that. They can also be valuable allies in things like this. Talking to a therapist was how she figured out the second piece of advice above.
> I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still makes me believe what you say is try and recognize it.
This is another rough one - that sucks. I had something similar, a girl I liked quite a lot, who wasn't comfortable having an exclusive relationship with me (or anyone, I think, but I'm not sure), regardless of how much we liked each other. That one hurt a lot.
Anyway, we both wish you the best of luck!
It seems you are trying too hard and also "selling the farm" in the process.
I feel like going on dates and being pro-active about reading etc is better than sitting alone in my house pining for a boyfriend, which I did for about 5-7 years. No?
My $0.02 is you are spending way too much time trying to find The One™ and the guys (not just solely trying to hookup) are getting that vibe and running for the exit. Dudes get jittery when they think they’re walking into a baby trap, you have to sneak up on them. Kind of like taming a horse really, probably some good YouTubes videos on how to wear a man…err, horse down so you can saddle ‘em up and take a whip to them.
Yeah, I’m single too surprisingly enough…
If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…
You need a professional to evaluate your situation. They can give you a better understanding of what your situation is. You can't do it alone. You need someone that's honest and will give you an honest evaluation. I've never seen you but I am almost certain that physical beauty is not the problem. It might be your behavior; maybe you're too shy. Or the type of people you are dating; maybe you have different goals. Yo…
I actually very frequently get asked out in second and third dates, but the men haven’t seemed to be good fits 90% of the time. It’s not because they’re not perfect. It’s mostly because they were extremely rude to a server, pressured me to be sexual before I was ready or , yes, not always , but in certain cases were extremely unappealing to me physically and looked nothing like their profile picture.
I love imperfection just as much as the next guy, in fact prefer it. We connect where we are vulnerable.
I think the problem is bigger than my personal hangups which I’ve deeply explored.