You need to figure out what is absolutely important to you and what you can only get in a partner vs what you could get elsewhere. Sex, obviously should not be something you get elsewhere. The more things you say your partner needs to have, the smaller the eligible population and as a result the smaller the odds of finding a partner. Go where you can find people who share the same qualifications you require - for many that’s a church/temple/synagogue/mosque.
For others it’s from a similar ethnic community.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
201–210 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#202I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist.
Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan wants kids
The list continues for these women. There will always be some ‘red flag’, that disqualifies their potential partner.
Meanwhile, a man just wants - attractive, good in bed, and it’d be nice if she cooks.
Today, women want it all. I don’t think men are built to be the perfect partner and best friend.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#203You need a professional to evaluate your situation. They can give you a better understanding of what your situation is. You can't do it alone. You need someone that's honest and will give you an honest evaluation.
I've never seen you but I am almost certain that physical beauty is not the problem. It might be your behavior; maybe you're too shy. Or the type of people you are dating; maybe you have different goals. You can't see it so it's better to let someone else tell you. Someone that's not your friend.
Also, be careful of getting too wrapped-up on the idea of finding the perfect mate. There is no such person. Popular fiction has deceived many women and men into thinking that if you wait long enough your perfect mate will come. That's unlikely. We are all imperfect so don't think you are "settling" for someone when in reality that's how life is. Just know that you can share a very good and happy life with someone even if they are not perfect.
I wish you success.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#204One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…
Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…
All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:)
I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids.
Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your age…” again, via text before we even met.
I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon and hopefully this will attract a man who shared the same goal.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#205That's 60 dates a year. You're talking to the next guys before you ever give anyone a chance.
Good point. >1 date a week, when it takes at least a few weeks to set up a quality date, means that you never establish a credible commitment.
What if you tried limiting yourself to 1 new person a month? You'll evaluate them more favorably, and be more selective, and get less burned out
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#206One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…
Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…
>And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically researched dating with the goal of having kids ASAP, I'd be terrified of getting baby-trapped. The desperation is a colossal turn-off.
What alternative is there for a person who wants kids that is running out of time to have kids?
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#207> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…
I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is.
I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality.
There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me.
I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their lives. Why not relationships.
When I’m building my startup, no one says, sit back, be confident and the startup will grow itself.
Why shouldn’t it be that I can have a strategic goal in my life to have kids and a family and work towards achieving that in an active, not passive way ?
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#208That's 60 dates a year. You're talking to the next guys before you ever give anyone a chance.
Good point. >1 date a week, when it takes at least a few weeks to set up a quality date, means that you never establish a credible commitment. What if you tried limiting yourself to 1 new person a month? You'll evaluate them more favorably, and be more selective, and get less burned out
The "it's a numbers game" thing is a hack to get people out of the trap of not seeing enough new people. You're on the other end of the chart. Commitment is a learnable skill, not something that goes easily once you find the perfect person.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#209If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…
I’d warn the poster to be wary of descriptions like this of meeting “the one” - it seems already that she might be a bit too close to well marketed content that sells the dream of this experience of being a “lightning bolt from heaven”. That expectation is very appealing from romantic standpoint of lifting oneself out life’s mostly dreary mundanity…. However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations
THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity. Not the emotional explosion everyone seems to want to hold out for, but is something that is a base to build on