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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#151

Post by metadat »

the_only_law wrote: post #108
xiphias2 wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is data supporting what you write. The longer a man and woman has known eachother before starting dating, the less picky women get in regards to how physically attractive the man has to be according to a statistic that was looking at relationships.

Oddly I find that the longer I know someone, the less likely I am to be attracted to them in that sort of way.

That's actually a good thing, those feelings are a strong signal you probably wouldn't be a fit together.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#152

Post by metadat »

schmookeeg wrote: post #15

Sorry you're going through this. That sounds trying. Was it Alaska that was described as "the odds are good, but the goods are odd" regarding the dating scene and overabundance of men? Maybe a summer in Anchorage is worth a try. You will lose Austin's amazing taco scene, but gain some glaciers :)

That's a hilarious quote we used to say to each other in college at BYU.

p.s. LDS / Mormonism is the biggest sham ever. Do not recommend, would not do again.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#153

Post by metadat »

generalizations wrote: post #40

Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine there's only one person on here trying to find someone. If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would be, too.

Probably deserves its own site or app.

Also, everyone is already on tinder, hinge, bumble, grindr etc.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#154

Post by toomuchtodo »

deanmoriarty wrote: post #148

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578 ), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective. Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited…

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities .

> You are too picky, even if you don't think you are.

Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner.

https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=i... (Open Library: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h... (The original Atlantic piece that was the genesis of the above book)

https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring... (The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#155

Post by matheusmoreira »

actfrench wrote: post #5
Victerius wrote: post #2

Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?

Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten was somewhat attractive, so I’d give them a chance and get interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate. I think they just wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.

> the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate

It's often a power game: the more leverage you have, the better terms you can set. Women can filter out men interested in casual sex by making it everything but casual: making them wait, increasing the effort required, increasing the dating costs. You mentioned going on 120+ dates so I assume you have a large pool of men from which you can select.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#156

Post by baremetal »

actfrench wrote: post #28
missedthecue wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120? Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd dates did you have?

Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.

i think there are a shortage of men who want to have a baby with a 41 year old woman. market dynamics.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#157

Post by xiphias2 »

metadat wrote: post #136
xiphias2 wrote: post #126

You have some incongruency in what you write: you wrote that you are beautiful, but men ghost you after 1 night. As a man I can tell you that all my friends want to be intimate with a beautiful woman at least multiple times even if she has an unbearable personality. I'm 40 and most of my successful friends who want kids date women under or around 30, because that's what our urges say when we want more than just sex /…

What is the point of saying this? My interpretation is this accuses OP of being delusional about their attractiveness or lying to us. How is your "observation" supposed to help? Regardless, I posit that marrying someone you're not attracted to is not a good idea if you want a happy and fulfilling life. You're going to be spending a lot, lot, lot of time with them. It's a recipe for resentment, which is fatal to relat…

OP being delusional is not an accusation, but a feedback.

She can use photofeeler as well to get a rating (as a 40 year old successful, average looking guy I usually get about 7 even though I'm trying to take care of myself, and I definitely wouldn't describe myself as handsome when I ask for dating advice).

I'm starting to accept that I can't find a person to marry at this point in my life, I should have done it at 30 when I had the perfect partner for it, but I was immature.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#158

Post by throwaway0223 »

> My time for having children is running out.

> Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already.

IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec.

Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and sooner or later will think the main thing you want is their sperm to have a baby. That's a recipe for folks to back off. Even if you believe you're not putting pressure, I bet they can smell it a mile away. It has a direct impact on your mindset, your behavior, and self-confidence, even if you believe you're effective in masking it.

It may sound counter intuitive, but once you stop trying "to find someone to marry and have kids", you may actually find someone.

The first step is to start accepting yourself and your life as it is -- and being proud of being single and having no kids. It is what it is. Cut the bullshit of dating coaches, hundred dates, dozen of books, and all the mental energy you're wasting obsessing about it. Give up the serial dating, and immerse yourself in work, or a cause you care about, sports, gym, hobbies, church, or whatever suits your fancy. Sure, make new friends and go on dates, but not because you want to "find love and build a family", but because you want to have fun and enjoy having sex every now and then.

Once you do it - truly do it - you'll be seen as more attractive, more powerful, successful, confident, remarkable, independent. You won't need anyone on your side to be the best version of yourself. And there's nothing more f*ing attractive than that.

Pragmatically speaking, you've already frozen your eggs, so you have a plan B for later. For now, internalize that you are enough. Once you accept it, everything else will follow.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#159

Post by CodeWriter23 »

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single.

Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expectation which though not needy can be high-maintenance in a different way. Maybe that’s true and maybe not, I don’t know you. My point is, the presentation is important.

Before the first date with my wife, we chatted for 3-1/2 hrs on okcupid. That we could hold a conversation that long made me optimistic about dating her. She chose the location for our first date. It was a noisy hangout bar and I could barely hear her. I asked for the check before she finished her food, my hope crushed. Why would someone choose a place like that to get to know someone? I’m walking to the car, dreading the ride back to her place when she asks if I’d like some ice cream. We went to Cold Stone and talked for about 5 hours.

Later in our relationship, we needed our communication skills to work through various conflicts. Even though we have high consensus about parenting, we don’t always see eye to eye. My point there, if you expect to find the perfect mate, also expect to be disappointed. What makes a relationship is the willingness to work through challenges.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#160

Post by yakak »

Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation may be the best bet?

Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals that might trip up two native speakers.

There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration orientated spouse and that can work if they are really on the same page on the lifestyle with children, etc.

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