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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#231

Post by actfrench »

FrenchDevRemote wrote: post #226

How many men have you rejected and how many men rejected you? If I had to guess the first number is higher than the last. Maybe lower your standards?

I always check with a trusted friend to make sure I have a good reason for not going on a second date.

It is NEVER because I didn’t feel a “spark”

Reasons would include rudeness, meanness, treating service workers with disrespect, speaking for an hour without asking me a question, and occasionally completely not physically attractive to me for a very specific reason. Women tend to get criticized a lot for the last one, but oddly, no one tells men to try again with women they find physically unattractive…and even here I push myself past my limits.

Given that - it’s 90% I turn down, 10% don’t ask me out again - I usually assume if a guy doesn’t it means hes not interested. But perhaps I’m too attached to traditional gender roles

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#232

Post by ivraatiems »

archagon wrote: post #218
ivraatiems wrote: post #183

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…

What leads you to believe it’s possible for the “vast majority”? Isn’t it far more likely that this sort of spark is relatively rare?

I guess I don't have hard evidence. But here's a statistical game I like to play:

Suppose that 0.0001% of the US population - a vanishingly small amount - could produce that "spark" for you, and are actively looking for someone. That's about 33,000 people. There's about 20,000 cities and towns in the US, according to Google, so on average, there's between 1 and 2 people in every city in the country who are the right person for you. And people move around, and a big city probably has proportionally many more people than a small town.

So if OP lives in a city with a million people in it, maybe there's 5 or 6 or 10 people who are the right fit. But they're looking, and so are you... so it's just a matter of time.

Like so many other things, it's just a numbers game.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#233

Post by em-bee »

actfrench wrote: post #109
mtklein wrote: post #94

Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch? No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You po…

super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you for reaching out.

it's probably to late now, but it's better to put your email address into your profile where you can remove it later.

maybe you can ask @dang to remove the email from this comment.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#234

Post by actfrench »

metadat wrote: post #150
mountainb wrote: post #35

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categor…

Good ideas. 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married. If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beautiful one hadn’t been taken.” I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for sale ? :) love divorced guys though. And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#235

Post by whydoineedthis »

actfrench wrote: post #212
GoldenMonkey wrote: post #202

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…

I actually do quite agree with you, but that’s not me! I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person. Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)

"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is?

If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found marriage success, I bet you will find plenty of un-equall 'intelligence', measured by their achievements anyway. But this doesn't make them bad partners, often it makes even better actually.

It's not too often you find doctor couples, that's all I'm saying.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#236

Post by klipt »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #229
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger).

> The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In contrast, in patients who used eggs obtained from healthy, young donors, 51% of fresh transfers resulted in a live birth, regardless of the age of the recipient.

https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-op...

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#237

Post by _8j50 »

Not a popular opinion for HN but you know.. just do it. Even with someone you can barely tolerate. Don't let the timeline stress you though, we have enough humans it is not the end if the world if you don't have kids unless biological continuation of your gene is important to you (can always adopt).

I have met people like you many times but with finishing school getting a job,etc... sorry for my seemingly naive advice but go ahead and screw up. Get married and get a divorce if it doesn't work out, or maybe it will? You seem to have a certain standard and an idea of how things should be. What I am saying is if you as you say are so lucky that people would want to spend their time with you then go ahead and give the next guy who tries a shot. It's 2022, you will not be forced to stay with someone and there is no shame in abandoning a sunken ship if it comes down to it. Or give up on the whole idea, my concern for you is you are not enjoying life and living it to your satisfaction because of "the chase". I hope you are not chasing disney, hollywood or some culturally specific idea of a romantic relationship. It is what you need it to be (or rather who), and it is also a two way street.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#239

Post by whydoineedthis »

actfrench wrote: post #234
metadat wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good ideas. 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married. If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead?

Interesting.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#240

Post by metadat »

actfrench wrote: post #234
metadat wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good ideas. 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married. If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :)

> And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)

Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!

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