Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Why Happy People Cheat

theatlantic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

81–90 of 138 posts

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#81

Post by betenoire »

Retra wrote: post #69
staticelf wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And they have other men in their lives too? Haven't really thought about that. I guess it depends on the relationship I have with them. If we live together I rather like them to be bisexual, but I guess it would be ok for me to live like a collective and for them to enjoy other men. But then I would like to know these men and perhaps even live with them and the women. > You have some funny beliefs, and you'll find…

>I am going to be dead for a long effing time. See... I think that thought and I continue with "what does it matter if I'm only with one person? My contribution to the world is not going to be based on how sexually satisfied I am." I have whatever sex I need to get it off my mind so that I can work on my hobbies and interests without distraction. "I'm going to be dead" is just as much a reason to be miserable as it i…

If we agree that being happy is better than being miserable, and time is limited resource, then yeah, it is logical to favor and seek happiness over misery.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#82

Post by bob2001 »

Red_Tarsius wrote: post #59
stared wrote: post #31

Just be polyamorous (see e.g. https://polyfidelity.org.au/about/polyamory/education/121-th... , http://slatestarcodex.com/2013/04/06/polyamory-is-boring/ ). If there is a need to have multiple partners instead of going the "traditional way" (one official partner + cheating or some shady don't ask don't tell arrangement) it seems much healthier to openly discuss needs and boundaries. We shouldn't just accept "system d…

Your poly community has a lot of nerds because they don't have enough leverage to ask their s.o. to stop fucking other people.

So how are most of these nerds in this community distributed, like 1 partner dating multiple nerds, or 1 nerd per "group" of partners like the parent comment implies?

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#83

Post by emodendroket »

staticelf wrote: post #5

TLDR; It is possible to like more than one individual. I for one doesn't understand why anyone would marry except for economical benefits/security. Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners who enjoy me and eachother than a marriage with one. Since I believe that the male sex drive is bigger than that of women, I don't understand why I should be limited to just enjoy one other woman. However…

I don't see how I could possibly pursue a second relationship and still give my relationship with my wife the time and energy it deserves.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#84

Post by staticelf »

Nursie wrote: post #68
staticelf wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And they have other men in their lives too? Haven't really thought about that. I guess it depends on the relationship I have with them. If we live together I rather like them to be bisexual, but I guess it would be ok for me to live like a collective and for them to enjoy other men. But then I would like to know these men and perhaps even live with them and the women. > You have some funny beliefs, and you'll find…

Ha! I was half expecting you to come back "Of course not, the very idea !!!?!" Seriously, if that seems like something you're interested in, there are a lot of people out there who agree with you, of both/all genders, many who are bisexual as well. Look up some local poly meetups, there are lots around (though you may have more luck finding them in major cities). Best of luck.

Haha, I have looked up some but most people who are into this seem a lot older than me and kind of ugly for most of the time. I understand this may of course differ completely from people to people.

I don't really want any kind of relationship right now though, since I am focusing on work and myself. But I will probably do this later, thanks.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#85

Post by emodendroket »

LordKano wrote: post #63
staticelf wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think I read some paper about homosexual men having the most sex and homosexual women the least, if that is true I think it would be data that suggests that my belief is correct. But otherwise my belief is based on experience mostly.

I saw a documentary once called "Brain Sex" and as I remember it, in the days before HIV/AIDS, it wasn't unheard of for some gay men to have 1,000 sexual partners in a lifetime. I'm sure that this has changed dramatically over the past 30-35 years.

I'm less sure of that to be honest. People get inured to that kind of fear after a while.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#86

Post by kbart »

emodendroket wrote: post #73

> there is always a suspicion … that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried and unexplored; that a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met, or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever. In my opi…

This quote sounds childish imho. I know this feeling, I believe every teen feels this way, but I don't lose sleep over my decisions or "what if.." scenarios anymore. The most important truth and lesson learned during my life was "always be in truth with oneself and others": if you are not happy about something - change it or find the root cause and fix it, take responsibilities seriously and avoid lies whenever possible (it is a burden that keeps growing as a snowball and finally crushes you); if you are not happy with your current partner and you see no way to fix it -- have "balls" to say so and move in separate ways.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#87

Post by lsd5you »

LordKano wrote: post #75
lsd5you wrote: post #39

So affairs are 'wrong', but who would want to live in a world where there are no affairs? We excessively police and punish our partners, our friends' partners and our parents, but often hypocritically, when it comes to ourselves and our friends cheating will generally be forgiven. I am not even advocating abolishing the hypocricy. Without it affairs probably wouldn't be exciting and equally, faithful relationships wo…

Death threats are never ok but hatred is completely understandable. To feel hatred for someone who betrayed you, who lied to you, who acted like you were a crazy person for feeling the disconnect between the two of you, who accepted your fidelity while not returning it and made you doubt your worth as a human being is perfectly understandable.

You see I dispute this. If you just break up with someone and tell them it's just no good (or even all those things you did are too much to take) then that can leave them feeling even worse. Again we are all talking in massive generalities and no two situations are exactly the same - which is why we shouldn't have a totalitarian view on this issue.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#88

Post by toomuchtodo »

KGIII wrote: post #50
toomuchtodo wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's easily solved with a blood test before you engage in a sexual relationship with additional partners.

That seems both impractical and likely to ruin any mood. Instead of, "Hold on, I have to get a condom." It is now, "Let's take you down to the clinic and get you tested!" Then, as they likely have multiple partners as well, you end up needing a constant stream of blood tests. In short, it's risky behavior. You can do it, it's not up to me to judge. But, it seems like a lot more work than just committing to one person…

> That seems both impractical and likely to ruin any mood.

Of partners my partner and I have dated together, all appreciated the sentiment and none of them turned down getting tested before festivities. No one has said no, nor thought it was an awkward request. Your mileage may vary.

> You can do it, it's not up to me to judge. But, it seems like a lot more work than just committing to one person and remaining faithful to that one person.

I prefer my life richer over easier. Life is brief and once, better to not waste it.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#89

Post by Nursie »

colanderman wrote: post #74
Nursie wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think you've quite understood my last comment. It's not really about men being high earners or having some sort indefinable social capital that makes women "marry up" in most examples of polygynous cultures AFAICT, it's literal force. It's not women choosing to marry the man with the most power or wealth, it's cultural and religious forced marriage, on threat of ostracism, familial disgrace or much worse. Yes…

> It's not women choosing to marry the man with the most power or wealth, it's cultural and religious forced marriage, on threat of ostracism, familial disgrace or much worse. No, I get that – my point is, there's not much difference between social pressure to marry someone wealthy because you were not raised to be a breadwinner and thus would starve if you didn't marry up, and social pressure to marry someone in hig…

>> No, I get that – my point is, there's not much difference between social pressure to marry someone wealthy because you were not raised to be a breadwinner and thus would starve if you didn't marry up, and social pressure to marry someone in high social standing because you'd be ostracized otherwise.

Sorry there's a f*ck of a lot of difference between choosing a partner that's a breadwinner, and being put through a forced marriage.

>> Social pressures that prevent women from gaining power and thus being forced to marry to get it, are not that different from social pressures that explicitly force women to marry powerful men.

They are significantly different in consequence, IMHO, even if the cause is different only in matter of degree.

>> Applying a band-aid of normalized monogamous marriages to ensure mates for low-status men (as the GP insinuated) addresses the symptom, and ignores the cause.

I don't consider that a band-aid particularly, it seems something a lot of people want out of life, and the question of "status" somewhat orthogonal. I also don't think the parent post advocates any sort of enforcement of this, but just looks at outcomes.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#90

Post by jrs95 »

virgil_disgr4ce wrote: post #3

The reason it's ostensibly confusing is that the standard narrative of human sexuality—one sexual partner for life after getting married—is, forgive me, completely batshit insane. That's not to say that people haven't done it. People do, of course. And that's not to say that that's wrong or something, either. But the expectation of total 'fidelity' for life is unreasonable. For more on this subject I recommend the bo…

All the people I've known that "couldn't do it" were usually selfish, had their priorities terribly wrong, and tended to leave empty & sad lives. I don't think that ought to be the new norm.
Post reply on HN