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Why Happy People Cheat

theatlantic.com

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Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#31

Post by stared »

Just be polyamorous (see e.g. https://polyfidelity.org.au/about/polyamory/education/121-th..., http://slatestarcodex.com/2013/04/06/polyamory-is-boring/).

If there is a need to have multiple partners instead of going the "traditional way" (one official partner + cheating or some shady don't ask don't tell arrangement) it seems much healthier to openly discuss needs and boundaries. We shouldn't just accept "system defaults" if they are not optimal for us.

In my local poly community (Warsaw) there is a lot of nerds. I tend to view it as a hacker's approach to relationship.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#32

Post by colanderman »

simonsarris wrote: post #18
crsm345 wrote: post #2

I wish social experimentation and progress happened at even 5% of the speed of technological progress.. why don't we just get rid of the idea that you 'own' your partner's body? It seems arcane and based in insecurity. If you can't handle even the slightest of erotic competition, how solid can the basis of your relationship be? (Sorry for the overly controvesial wording if my post, I realize that filing more open rel…

When I look at polygamous/polygynous societies today and in history, I'm not sure I see "social progress." In fact, for whatever its pitfalls may be, it appears that monogamy solves a large number of social ills that are perhaps larger than polygyny's own. Like large bands of males cast out with no prospects, so they resort to not-so-progressive behavior. Like the vikings: 'Polygyny created a pool of unmarried men mo…

> it appears that monogamy solves a large number of social ills that are perhaps larger. Like large bands of males cast out with no prospects, so they resort to not-so-progressive behavior.

So the acceptable "solution" to this imbalance is to socially force (through normalization of monogamy and marriage) women into relationships with less-desirable men? Why shouldn't men be expected to be more attractive mates? Why not blame the patriarchy for creating a power imbalance that favors polygyny over polyandry?

EDIT: For those doubting that patriarchy plays a role, consider that both the Mormon [1] and Arabic [2] worlds have historically been strongly patriarchal. I don't know about the Vikings.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism_and_women

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Arab_societies

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#34

Post by Nursie »

colanderman wrote: post #32
simonsarris wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I look at polygamous/polygynous societies today and in history, I'm not sure I see "social progress." In fact, for whatever its pitfalls may be, it appears that monogamy solves a large number of social ills that are perhaps larger than polygyny's own. Like large bands of males cast out with no prospects, so they resort to not-so-progressive behavior. Like the vikings: 'Polygyny created a pool of unmarried men mo…

> it appears that monogamy solves a large number of social ills that are perhaps larger. Like large bands of males cast out with no prospects, so they resort to not-so-progressive behavior. So the acceptable "solution" to this imbalance is to socially force (through normalization of monogamy and marriage) women into relationships with less-desirable men? Why shouldn't men be expected to be more attractive mates? Why…

>> So the acceptable "solution" to this imbalance is to socially force (through normalization of monogamy and marriage) women into relationships

If you read into polygamous societies, it's often that (particularly very young) women are forced into relationships with socially powerful men. Not much to do with attraction.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#35

Post by Insanity »

staticelf wrote: post #5

TLDR; It is possible to like more than one individual. I for one doesn't understand why anyone would marry except for economical benefits/security. Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners who enjoy me and eachother than a marriage with one. Since I believe that the male sex drive is bigger than that of women, I don't understand why I should be limited to just enjoy one other woman. However…

> Personally, I would much rather have 2 or more girlfriends/partners

Sharing time between them would take away most of your personal time though. It'd also be kind of annoying with kids.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#37

Post by hndamien »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #26
enraged_camel wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Aside from that, there are some very legitimate practical concerns with poly relationships. STDs, for example.

That's easily solved with a blood test before you engage in a sexual relationship with additional partners.

That is solved, but not so easily, with a blood test.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#38

Post by Insanity »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #26
enraged_camel wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Aside from that, there are some very legitimate practical concerns with poly relationships. STDs, for example.

That's easily solved with a blood test before you engage in a sexual relationship with additional partners.

Small bugfix: Regular blood tests* As any of your partners could be adding additional partners, and probably so could theirs. And if they're very open - they might casually have sex with someone else every weekend. Maintenance nightmare if you ask me. :P

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#39

Post by lsd5you »

So affairs are 'wrong', but who would want to live in a world where there are no affairs?

We excessively police and punish our partners, our friends' partners and our parents, but often hypocritically, when it comes to ourselves and our friends cheating will generally be forgiven.

I am not even advocating abolishing the hypocricy. Without it affairs probably wouldn't be exciting and equally, faithful relationships wouldn't be as meaningful.

What is more, having broken up a long term relationship with children (with objectively plenty of cause), and having not had an affair what I can say is that for a woman this can be even worse, as it leaves them without something to be mad and and just feeling unvalued. (It probably goes both ways for both genders, but in my view it is something that is clearly not symmetrical in Male-Female relationships).

However what I do think is wrong are ill feelings to the point of death threats and hatred (which I experienced) even if there is infidelity. In this situation can someone really claim to have loved someone in the first place if they value their life outside of the relationship so little. When this is the basis of someones feelings then the relationship/marriage is a kind of tyranny in my opinion.

Re: Why Happy People Cheat

#40

Post by jaimex2 »

It's simple.

Some people value an exciting encounter over their current relationship, people can have an addiction to the rush or have felt numb for too long.

Over simplifying - there's nothing wrong with their current phone but some people will rush and buy the latest to get the buzz of a new gadget.

They weigh the chance of getting caught and damage it will cause as lower than the excitement and fulfilment of a new fling.

We've all been there, seeing someone attractive from the opposite sex and having thoughts of an encounter. Whether you chose to act on it or not depends on your integrity and empathy. Some people have more than others.

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