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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#101

Post by tacoman »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

Yes, spending time with little kids can be really boring, be present when it counts though. This period of life doesn't last forever so take care of your health and maintain your important relationships with whatever energy you can muster.

Every time I look at pictures of my kids when they were younger I feel a tinge of regret for not being more in the moment.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#102

Post by [deleted] »

kbrannigan wrote: post #87
ProfessorLayton wrote: post #29

A huge asterisk here is that this varies greatly by culture. For better or worse* certain cultures value strong family bonds and time spent with the parents, as well as bilateral support well into adulthood. Many cultures also encourage multigenerational living within a single household (or in extremely close proximity like my parents did). For example, my parents were happy to have me live at home as long as I wante…

Yes! American, Anglo-Saxon culture while widespread is not the norm. There is such thing as Inter-generational living. You often see advice on the internet: Why are you 20 and still living with your parents, you're a loser. You're 30 still living with your parents, you won't amount to anything. Yeah right!!! Meanwhile they leave alone with a dog, - need a ton of additional psychotherapy to stay sane. - Need to setup…

[deleted]

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#103

Post by peter422 »

bcrosby95 wrote: post #79
peter422 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

FWIW I have two children, aged 3 and 6 months, and I would say it is about accurate (for me) that the first hour is enjoyable and then the next 10 are less so. It's a chore that you are doing every single day. However, the older they get the less boring they are and I assume at some point I will get more out of the relationship. But I had the children so I gotta deal with what that entails and I'm comfortable with th…

As they get older you can increasingly share your hobbies with them rather than be a pure source of child-like entertainment. I have a 7 year old and two 4 year olds, and we: play video games, watch movies, go for hikes, climb trees, go swimming, play various sports, play dnd, play board games, and paint warhammer miniatures together.

Yes I do anticipate that happening, but it's no guarantee.

And even still doing 3-5 years of very hard parenting work to get to that is a lot... And I didn't even carry the children which is another year of very hard work!

I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my decision to have children, but if I didn't really want to have them this would be rough.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#104

Post by zdragnar »

kotlin2 wrote: post #92
irrational wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We had 7 kids spread out over 15+ years (the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 9 - so about 16 years). Our oldest didn’t learn to sleep through the night until she was 7! At one time it seemed like I would never get a full nights sleep again, but it has been so many years now since I was last woken up by a kid at night (the last time was our 17 year old waking us up after he got home from work at 2am to tell us the ba…

I’ve always wondered how people with many kids can be emotionally available for all of them. How do you do it?

Part of it is that you are not their only support network; many siblings offers many outlets and sources for help / support / etc.

Running a family that large is also certainly more time consuming in some aspects- grocery shopping is a significantly different experience when you go through multiple gallons of milk and dozens of eggs every few days, as an example.

You rely on older children to help, and the whole family unit functions as a team.

A good friend has 8 siblings. My parents both had 6. I only have the one, who is several years older than me. The family dynamic between a small and large family is simply fundamentally different. That doesn't mean less emotionally attachable or available, but almost certainly less one-on-one time.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#105

Post by warner25 »

tacoman wrote: post #101
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

Yes, spending time with little kids can be really boring, be present when it counts though. This period of life doesn't last forever so take care of your health and maintain your important relationships with whatever energy you can muster. Every time I look at pictures of my kids when they were younger I feel a tinge of regret for not being more in the moment.

I feel the same as WheatMillington most of the time, but also feel the same as you when I look at pictures of my kids from the past few years. It's so conflicting.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#106

Post by zdragnar »

JamesSwift wrote: post #62
issa wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"forever" is very relative. If you have one kid, and a partner to raise them, then what you describe is very accurate. But if you have two kids spread out over a few years, then you can pretty much assume 15+ years of your life are going to be very kid focused. This is not a BAD thing! But go in with open eyes! And, most importantly, results will vary significantly. All kids are different. And factors like if you liv…

Agreed. I always say getting married means the previous phase of your life is now over. Thats not a statement on better or worse, its just that you've now transitioned to another phase. Its the same with kids. Pre-kid life is now over. This is a new, different phase.

Interestingly enough, this advice is bordering outdated. In the US, recent estimates put children being born to unwed parents at around 40%.

This varies by race and income- for example, since 1990 the rates for white parents doubled from 15 to 28%, whereas on the other end of the spectrum the rate went from 63 to 69% for children of black parents. Breaking down by economic, education and other levels follow more or less similar trends- big jumps at the low end of the range, small jumps on the upper end.

Edit- another interesting tidbit, divorce rates are highest among those over 55; presumably, parents whose children are now adults are moving on, whereas younger parents simply aren't getting married in the first place.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#107

Post by Andrew_nenakhov »

Having children is a greatest joy, purest love, and biggest happiness a person can experience. Sleepless nights and chores is nothing compared to what you get in return.

But it is also a source of endless worrying and fear for their safety and well-being.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#108

Post by treeman79 »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

I gave up all my hobbies. 1-8 was brutal with 2 of em. A few years later I’m picking them back up again.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#109

Post by AmericanChopper »

kotlin2 wrote: post #89
ProfessorLayton wrote: post #29

A huge asterisk here is that this varies greatly by culture. For better or worse* certain cultures value strong family bonds and time spent with the parents, as well as bilateral support well into adulthood. Many cultures also encourage multigenerational living within a single household (or in extremely close proximity like my parents did). For example, my parents were happy to have me live at home as long as I wante…

How much did you hang out with them once you were home though? With a < 12 year old, you spend a few hours in the morning + from like 5:30 pm until bedtime on weekdays, and then the entire weekend, with your kid. I lived at home for some time. I spent an hour maximum per day with my dad, including on weekends.

I lived with my ex-partner and her parents for a while, and the family would spend most of their time at home together. Easily 6+ hours per day during the week, and most of the weekend time.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#110

Post by kotlin2 »

zdragnar wrote: post #104
kotlin2 wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve always wondered how people with many kids can be emotionally available for all of them. How do you do it?

Part of it is that you are not their only support network; many siblings offers many outlets and sources for help / support / etc. Running a family that large is also certainly more time consuming in some aspects- grocery shopping is a significantly different experience when you go through multiple gallons of milk and dozens of eggs every few days, as an example. You rely on older children to help, and the whole fami…

Hmm that’s interesting. I wonder if the two systems produce equal outcomes into adulthood.
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