Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

researchgate.net

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

581–590 of 806 posts

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#581

Post by bastardoperator »

notch656c wrote: post #61
bastardoperator wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People who think like this don't tend to stay married long.

People that don't, don't stay married long. I started out married thinking of it as a nebulous thing. My marriage improved when I realized it was all an exchange and I need to make sure I'm always providing my bit rather than just working towards some nebulous idea of love.

I've been married 24 years and I'm happy my marriage isn't transactional. What happened if you couldn't provide your bit due to an injury? Your marriage ends?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#582

Post by LorenPechtel »

rngname22 wrote: post #380
ryeights wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately this response is divorced from reality. I have observed many 20-something women swiping through Tinder and the #1 cause for a man’s profile to be rejected is his attractiveness simply being average or below average. Have you ever tried online dating on platforms such as Tinder?

I've observed it as well, and the truth is that attractiveness is just highly individual. And the guys they do think are attractive are often just their particular brand of 'cute' average guy who to my eyes as a non-attracted-to-men person don't look that much different than the previous 10 guys they swiped left on.

There are broad patterns of agreement but individual differences also. The faces most people will find attractive can be identified, but you can't select a face everyone will find attractive.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#583

Post by bmn__ »

hcurtiss wrote: post #121
zb3 wrote: post #33

The need itself is the problem, and it's really surprising noone looks at it this way. A drug that 'd make me completely asexual (with no orientation) is the real solution for me, as currently there's none available.

Genuine question -- do eunuchs have sex drive?

Yes, but it is very much diminished in comparison with non-neutered men.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#584

Post by wonderwonder »

konart wrote: post #308
wonderwonder wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

>Not much. Maybe a house of worship Literature clubs, language classes. Literally any hobbie that does not require you to stay focused on device that may cut off your fingers if you look away.

These are all valid options but they result in a much smaller pool of potential matches. Colleges depending on the size have tens of thousands of potential matching opportunities. These are further enhanced by the social nature of college. Work while a smaller pool provides repeated exposure to people under a long time frame. Clubs and individual classes provide a very reduced pool of potential mates under a stricter timeline to establish a match. I am not arguing that what you are saying is wrong and indeed they are far superior than just sitting at home checking your tinder profile each day. They are just difficult and are more challenging with lower odds. Probably equal opportunity to just hit the gym for a few months, do what you can to work on your individual attractiveness and go to a bar a couple times a week. At least then there are better odds that the people there are looking for a match as well.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#585

Post by kragen »

antisthenes wrote: post #512
kragen wrote: post #416

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What is your gender? I'm 46 and male, and more and more women (my preferred gender!) seem to be attracted to me over time, though surely at some point that trend will go into reverse. I've heard a lot of women around my age suffering from the opposite trend.

How old are the women that are attracted to you? Are they actually desirable partners?

Mostly 25–60? I mostly only notice the attraction state of the ones I see as desirable partners, though I've dated a few that turned out to be a very poor fit.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#586

Post by kelseyfrog »

frognumber wrote: post #483
kelseyfrog wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right, and each of these automatically get red-flagged by women, which takes out of the dating pool, people who subscribe to them. Advocating for them is the social/relationship equivalent of rent-seeking behavior: rather than compete, change the competitive landscape.

That has not been my experience. It's a difference in values. There are both men and women on both sides of the cultural divide. If anything, my experience is that there are more women on my side. The stereotype that women value commitment might be exaggerated, but there seems to be at least a kernel of truth there.

That's fine. I think we've reached the part of the conversation where we're bound by not having large-scale descriptive statistics that can convince the other.

Either way, my experience is completely opposite. I can't recall a single woman I know who, that when meeting someone prescribing any of these points, would not use them as a proxy for their willingness to engage in a relationship and their subsequent happiness in such a relationship. Maybe we just live in separate bubbles, or maybe one of us does and one doesn't, or maybe they are geographic bubbles or context dependent in some other way that introduces nuance in a way that ends with "it depends." We probably won't know unless doing some sort of statistical survey.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#587

Post by jareklupinski »

the_only_law wrote: post #319
rightbyte wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The only advice I've told them is to get out of any online stuff and hit bars. They need your wife to bring her single friends to the bar. If they have a hard time reaching out to women hitting bars without friends won't help them much.

For some reason at the bar people don’t ever talk to me until I’ve been drinking for so long I sound like an idiot.

intelligence can be intimidating; overbearing intelligence is almost a turn-off

maybe people are just waiting until you're down on their level

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#588

Post by avmich »

ska wrote: post #274
spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

> and when I bring em somewhere it's pretty difficult to get it running How much time do these friends spend in social situations with women where the goal isn't to get laid/find a girlfriend? I don't know your friends, but have known people in similar situations. In all those cases, their were others in our social circles who looked worse "on paper" but had no real difficulties here - it wasn't really about attracti…

> How much time do these friends spend in social situations with women where the goal isn't to get laid/find a girlfriend?

Sometimes it's all available time. Which could be really small or none at all.

Behavior could be significantly affected by proximity with women, when you're in certain age and experience. It's described in the literature, for here it could be said a social - social - situation with women where the goal isn't to get laid/find a girlfriend - and where such goal doesn't quickly appear and supersedes whatever other goals there were - could be rare to find.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#589

Post by notch656c »

bastardoperator wrote: post #581
notch656c wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People that don't, don't stay married long. I started out married thinking of it as a nebulous thing. My marriage improved when I realized it was all an exchange and I need to make sure I'm always providing my bit rather than just working towards some nebulous idea of love.

I've been married 24 years and I'm happy my marriage isn't transactional. What happened if you couldn't provide your bit due to an injury? Your marriage ends?

I have family in healthcare so I hear the stories. Serious unfixable medical injuries almost always end with the spouse at the very least getting sex on the side, at least if they're reasonably young.

Getting a long term badly limiting disability in anything but old age is a recipe for divorce. Eventually the loving spouse gets caretaker fatigue and is overloaded from carrying the weight without relief. I fully expect and will not hold it against my spouse if I'm seriously disabled for over a year and the marriage ends. Any high moral ground about love and honor or whatever falls apart when you're grinding in poverty and going to be sucked under yourself with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#590

Post by justinclift »

sangnoir wrote: post #466
wonderwonder wrote: post #371

Earlier quoted context omitted.

how? Honestly I am not doubting you, I have just been married for a very long time so out of the game. Is it a presentation of wealth or dress style?

> how? A small town 8(/10) can be an LA[0] 4 or 5. Then again a small town 10 can also be an LA 10. Samples can be biased in weird ways. 0. If you're fan of the LA aesthetic measures.

LA?
Post reply on HN