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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#321

Post by bluecalm »

dionidium wrote: post #249
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy. I remember one summer making p…

If you try to build your life around brunch (or bars or camping trips) then it's not a surprise getting some structure and something to care about makes you happier. Many people find happiness having kids but there is no denying other life pursuits will suffer.

There is less time and less energy no matter how you cut it. The priorities will change as well as they should - why have kids if they are not very important part of your life.

Someone with less time, less energy and different things to prioritize will never get as far in creative pursuits, business, sports, scientific research. It's fine but it's a trade-off. Don't pretend the child free option is just a bar night or brunch with friends. If it is, you really haven't even started figuring it out.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#322

Post by ssss11 »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

I’m kind of in the same boat as you, but I don’t think it’ll last forever. We’ll get some personal time back, but in the meantime hang in there.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#323

Post by Ayesh »

dionidium wrote: post #249
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy. I remember one summer making p…

I turned 30 last month, and I gotta say I can totally see how easy it is to fall into the state you mentioned.

I can already see through getting wasted on weekends with friends, hikes, trips, etc that seem to "normalize" as I age.

Though, I don't see kids as the only "fix"; far from it. Perhaps it's just that we get saturated from experiences, and how much new things we can experience is limited by where we live, expendable income, physical fitness, etc. So it's natural to not have the same level of novelty in experiences.

In the same vein, my uneducated and inexperienced guess is that raising the third or fourth kid wouldn't feel as much as mentally rewarding as the first kid or two.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#324

Post by willsmith72 »

elil17 wrote: post #212
kbrannigan wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! American, Anglo-Saxon culture while widespread is not the norm. There is such thing as Inter-generational living. You often see advice on the internet: Why are you 20 and still living with your parents, you're a loser. You're 30 still living with your parents, you won't amount to anything. Yeah right!!! Meanwhile they leave alone with a dog, - need a ton of additional psychotherapy to stay sane. - Need to setup…

It honestly makes me so sad to see how people judge each other for living with their parents. I often read/contribute to r/PersonalFinance on Reddit the most common attitude there seems to be that people living with their pares stealing free rent. Why is it so hard for people to believe that someone might just love their family and wish to spend a significant portion of their adult life enjoying and nurturing those r…

Agreed it's no one's place to judge someone without knowing anything about their situation.

In saying that, where I come from in Australia it's extremely normal to spend early 20s in the family home, and I was usually the one encouraging my friends to get out. Not that there was something wrong with their families, but at least in this culture, I could see my friends living in unhappy bubbles, surrounded by the same family/friends they'd been around since they were kids, feeling trapped.

In those cases, getting out (different city, different country, at least different house) can be the best thing for people's personal development and even mental healths.

My point is just that it can go both ways depending on the specific situation.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#325

Post by TomK32 »

WheatMillington wrote: post #90
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

Sounds like you are the breadwinner, have you thought about the financial feasibility of taking an afternoon off, at least until the kids are at school and a lot more independent?

One hobby I picked up when my kid was about three was crochet (men can do it just fine), so we spent afternoons at the playground, she playing with other children while I did crochet e.g. a hobby horse.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#326

Post by meheleventyone »

collegeburner wrote: post #197
maxsilver wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

i'm too young to be having kids rn anyway but i thought about it a little and this is one of the big things that makes me hesitate. i don't think i could handle raising a kid who ended up special needs and required lifelong care. seems like having a kid who ended up an alcoholic/junkie/mentally retarded/deeply at odds with my values would really remove most of the positives, so it would be a serious gamble. of course…

The answer to all this is to stop considering it so abstractly and talk to some parents who have been in these situations and actually look at the incident rates. Anything could happen but not all outcomes are as likely. There’s loads of mundane activities we do that have serious life changing events that could happen. A kid is a commitment but also one that is profoundly human that people have been doing successfully for millennia.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#327

Post by Tade0 »

chronofar wrote: post #315
Poppys wrote: post #295

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are tangible problems with a low birth rate though, which western economies are experiencing now.

There are also tangible benefits. Economic models needing to adjust to non-perpetual growth is not an impossible nor existential crisis.

The main problem isn't growth or the lack of it - it's generally decreased welfare of older people because there's no family member or caregiver to periodically check up on them and recognize early signs of deteriorating health - especially mental health.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#328

Post by obruchez »

ChaitanyaSai wrote: post #290
dionidium wrote: post #249

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy. I remember one summer making p…

"Brunch is not life." This phrase is going to stick with me.

I don't know what it's supposed to mean, though. I like brunches. My son likes them as well.

I mean: any part of life is not life. Kids are not life.

Or am I missing something?

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#329

Post by roel_v »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #134
rtlfe wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent) Why does this matter?

Our society tends to reward people that curse infrequently?

No it doesn't. It rewards people with the social skills to know when it's acceptable to use certain words that aren't acceptable in other contexts. But that's just a part of 'society rewards people with high levels of social skills'. If your experience has been that successful people (i.e., 'people who were rewarded by society') don't swear, then your experience has been very different from mine.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#330

Post by novok »

watwut wrote: post #311
dionidium wrote: post #249

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it makes you feel any better I delayed having kids and spent my 30s dating and hanging out and going to bars -- and it was terrible. I was never more depressed. I got tired of dating. I got tired of bars. I was lonely. My life had no meaning or direction. I had a nice career and could go anywhere and do anything I wanted, but it turns out none of that made me even a little bit happy. I remember one summer making p…

> realizing at the end of it that all three weekends were exactly the same. Nothing new happens. You're not missing anything if you just stay home. To be honest, I felt exactly like that when kids were small, especially when being at home with them. Every day same as one before, with only minor variation. Going for vacations meant doing exactly same things as at home, except in harder setup. Nothing ever ever happens…

IMO that adult isolation is a bit of a choice. What I've seen happen is other parents socialize with other parents with kids of a similar age. Two moms who both have babies visit each other and hang out, etc.
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