Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

391–400 of 741 posts

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#391

Post by D13Fd »

actfrench wrote: post #286
klipt wrote: post #236

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger). > The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In con…

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children. I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

I’m male. And I can’t imagine I would ask about it on a first date.

But if you’re up on fertility issues, it’s a legitimate concern. As people age, the rate of fertility success inevitably goes down, and the risks (e.g. Down syndrome) go up pretty dramatically.

Having frozen eggs greatly reduces those risks, and for an older man that wants kids, a potential wife with frozen eggs could mean a lot.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#392

Post by gamechangr »

actfrench wrote: post #204
eganist wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon

This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that.

In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date.

You also could miss high quality options who say they're " not ready" to have kids, when they mean that they haven't met the right person and/or haven't arrived at their desired financial level. If men think they can't provide, they are going to say "no to kids". I had a friend that was 38 and said he didn't want kids, then he was given a $70k increase ( from $110,000 to $180,000) 3 months later and then he switched to ready to have kid and was married within 6 months. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass.

I think the right answer to my friend circle would be " I do really want to have kids someday with the right person, but not in the next 2 years." Then you can re-evaluate a month later if things are going good and say " we have a great connection, I really would be open to having kids much sooner. Thoughts?"

I know a few guys this worked on. They just were hearing kids immediately as a red flag, when really they were more inline then what either party truly understood at the time.

Think on it. Hope this helps.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#393

Post by Seb-C »

actfrench wrote: post #214
Youden wrote: post #111

Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…

I am going to do this. I intuitively feel that this is the right path forward for me. Kissing someone I just met oj a dating app is super weird and creepy to me. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks, friend :)

My own experience is that I met my now wife right after I ditched dating apps and decided to enjoy life with friends instead. Or to be precise, I met her before that, but didn't care to speak and socialize with her.

Dating apps never worked to me because I was inexperienced and wanted to take my time to get to know the person (I mean like meeting a few times over a few weeks or months), but on dating apps there is this commonly shared nonsense that the first date and impression must all be perfect, or it's doomed.

My advice would be to make friends, spend as much time as you can outside (or meetups when friends are not an option) meeting random people in various contexts.

Also a couple of considerations:

- Love at first sight is a trap. It is more likely that 'the one' will seem 'meh' to you at first. You need to meet people multiple times to get to know them.

- Don't only meet people that are potential dating material. It is very important not to have this mindset, because it affects your behavior and image negatively. Socializing with people of both genders and all ages is also a very important part of that.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#394

Post by mgdlbp »

generalizations wrote: post #40

Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine there's only one person on here trying to find someone. If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would be, too.

The HN meetups are still happening, right?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#395

Post by throwaway743 »

Sounds corny, but it'll hit you when you're not looking for it/when you least expect it. It's been the case for me (not married... yet?) and others I know who are in great relationships.

Personally, I wanted to be a bachelor/single a bit longer, having left a long relationship not even a year prior. Ended up meeting the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, loving, compatible person I could ever wish to be with, all by chance/when I wasnt looking. It's been 5 and a half years and meeting her is a top highlight in my life.

Relationships I've had that resulted from actively trying to find someone more times than not left me miserable.

Never chase and don't set expectations. Again, it's corny, but who you need will hit you at the right time when you're not wanting. In the meantime, do you, let go of controlling the situation, and just let things just happen.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#396

Post by assttoasstmgr »

A good friend of mine once told me: "You can be a great mother or a great career woman. You can't be great at both." She's now a SVP at a well-known company, but got there by making a conscious decision to forgo raising a family of her own. You seem like a very busy person, so I have to ask: are you prepared to give it all up? Or are you just looking to check off a box of life's accomplishments, like a project manager sifting through the backlog in a frantic panic? Because if you're out of story points to assign you can't do it all.

Are you prepared to be the young lady I saw in the grocery store this evening - holding an infant in one arm and pushing the shopping carriage with the other, with a sweaty look of defeat on her face? If the answer is no, then don't have children. Sadly I think you have bought into the myth that you can have your cake and eat it too. I'm sure someone will reply with countless examples of how it is possible, but I ask are those examples of great parents, or are they examples of people who own children? Having a child and raising a family is a lifelong commitment. You need to give it your all. If you're doing it for the wrong reasons, bragging rights, because it was a life 'goal' etc.; the child, and by extension society, will suffer for it. You can still have a very fulfilling life.

My personal opinion - outsourcing your child's rearing to a full time nanny or dumping them off to childcare as many busy people do - is harmful to the child's development. Anecdotally speaking, some of the most successful people I know also have some of the most f--ked up kids I've ever seen. It's because they're never around to raise and discipline them properly.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#397

Post by krmboya »

eganist wrote: post #167
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

In non-western cultures, the primary goal of 'dating', if you can call it that is marriage, and the primary goal of marriage is to have kids.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#398

Post by throwaway743 »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Lol relationships shouldn't be looked at as "achievements" or something to put on a resume or require "work"/labor, at least good relationships. Going that route is gonna lead to many things lacking.

I mean go ahead with your plan, but if that's been your "strategy" for however long and you're still single and without the trophy kids, you're "strategy" is severely flawed and obviously not working.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#399

Post by [deleted] »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#400

Post by mathattack »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

*When I’m building my startup, no one says, sit back, be confident and the startup will grow itself*

Maybe it’s because someone else’s feelings are involved too? And they may not want to be a pawn in your plan?

Post reply on HN