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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#251

Post by whydoineedthis »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #154
deanmoriarty wrote: post #148

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578 ), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective. Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited…

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are. Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner. https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https:…

A new date every week for two years....doesn't really seem like she really got the chance to know any of them at that rate.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#252

Post by tomcam »

jmpman wrote: post #243

I’m going to provide you with some horrible advice. Please don’t take it. Date married men. There are a huge number of married men in my social group who want to have kids, but their spouse is unable or unwilling. These men sound just as forlorn as you. One finally divorced his wife and is engaged to a woman with two young sons. I’ve never seen him as happy. I’d estimate that 10% of my married male friends are in thi…

I see your logic, but it seems fundamentally unsound to consider settling down for life with a cheater. And if I daresay, immoral as well.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#253

Post by archagon »

I’d be cautious of taking dating advice from this site, as it’s dominated by young men and can sometimes lean in the red pill direction. (Though I am pleased to see that most of the top rated comments in this thread appear fairly mature.)

Have you tried asking Metafilter? I’ve often found that the community there gives good relationship and dating advice. The site leans older, more liberal arts, and more gender balanced.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#254

Post by actfrench »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #154
deanmoriarty wrote: post #148

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578 ), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective. Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited…

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are. Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner. https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https:…

Thank you so much for the great book recommendations !

I don’t think I’m being too picky. I’d wont share the reasons I didn’t go out again with 90% of these guys but it would horrify you and violate my privacy and theirs. I always cross-check with a trusted friend on whatever my reason is.

And I’ve logged them all so I can go back and learn and grow from my past experiences

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#255

Post by ivraatiems »

norlytho wrote: post #247
ivraatiems wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woman. A lot of this advice, though refreshingly frank, is not advice that I think is likely to get the OP what she wants if she wants a deep relationship. There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about me…

>When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woma No, it's not specific; it's very wide and applicable to a large majority of guys. Also, there is no such thing as "superficially compatible"; either you are compatible and can develop the relationship into more, or you are not compatible and are only pre…

> No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not.

Then how come I'm a guy and I love the fact that my wife has an advanced degree and an important career?

Your thinking is in binaries and generalizations. OP is looking for something specific and cast in shades of gray. I don't think your advice will help her.

I agree that it's a numbers game, but I think that applying the logic you suggest will put OP in the wrong group, and she won't find what she says she wants.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#256

Post by antisthenes »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #206
eganist wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

>And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically researched dating with the goal of having kids ASAP, I'd be terrified of getting baby-trapped. The desperation is a colossal turn-off. What alternative is there for a person who wants kids that is running out of time to have kids?

Lower your standards dramatically, like most men do.

But at some point, you need to accept some responsibility for why you don't have kids. A woman can literally go and attempt a pregnancy on any given day of the week.

Note that having kids is not the same as finding a man who wants to start a family with a 41-year old woman. That's just the reality of it.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#257

Post by joshxyz »

Dear Manisha,

> By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature and doing meaningful work in the world. Not too needy and not a workaholic.

If you're smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature, and purposeful yet your male friends would rather stay friends with you instead of taking that extra mile of dating you and building a future with you, your problems don't end there.

True love does not exist. It is just invented by the government and the illuminati.

Sincerely, Josh

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#258

Post by usrn »

yakak wrote: post #160

Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation may be the best bet? Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals that might trip up two native speakers. There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration orientated spouse and that can work if…

As someone who stumbled into a long term relationship with an immigrant of a very different race and culture this is probably the last thing I would recommend to an middle-aged person, especially one wanting to have kids. I know that might be hard to believe if you've looked at my profile/post history but I used to be very liberal and believed in the whole "race doesn't matter" thing. The enormous amount of propaganda and taboo around this means you're left figuring out what it means more or less on your own, this took me years. If there's any place where race (and culture) matters it's when you're deciding who to have a kid with.

Also USCIS is an absolute fucking nightmare. Imagine the worst caricature you've seen of a bureaucracy, this will top it. It's a bureaucracy with an effectively impossible mission and almost no accountability (at least on the end you'll be caring about.) Every time you interact with them there's a decent chance something goes wrong (maybe it's their fault, they're extremely incompetent, maybe it's your fault, the rules are very complex, maybe you just get unlucky) and you're left with the choice of staying illegaly or leaving the country quickly.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#259

Post by norwalkbear »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Yea you are going to be need to be very strategic since the dating pool is so tiny for your age and family desires.

Alot of men who wanted families don't want career women, or already have their own family.My brother is 35 with three kids oldest is 10. My other brother is 52 year old banker who married a 34 year old woman, and they have several kids now.

I think your desire for someone of equal education or financial background will make it nearly impossible.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#260

Post by [deleted] »

actfrench wrote: post #254
toomuchtodo wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are. Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner. https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https:…

Thank you so much for the great book recommendations ! I don’t think I’m being too picky. I’d wont share the reasons I didn’t go out again with 90% of these guys but it would horrify you and violate my privacy and theirs. I always cross-check with a trusted friend on whatever my reason is. And I’ve logged them all so I can go back and learn and grow from my past experiences

[deleted]
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