Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

801–810 of 812 posts

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#801

Post by agota »

tsol wrote: post #769
k0k0r0 wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow. I never considered this before: Explaining certain kinds of behavior as the result of society-wide (patriarchaic) conditioning may be sexist itself, because it denies the womans individual agancy.

In general by explaining behavior by societal trends you're removing agency. To say women are making their choices because of the way they're influenced is to say women cannot make independent choices without being swayed by outside influences. It's kind of a paradoxical thing

What human being on the planet can make choices without being swayed by outside influences?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#802

Post by epicureanideal »

whateveracct wrote: post #695
frontman1988 wrote: post #484

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can be unmarried and be in a relationship. Marriage is bondage. It's primarily a feminine desire of women to seek stability for their offsprings. Men are better off having multiple partners and having shorter relationships. Also as the weird bachelor you don't have to hang out with your coworkers, there is usually far more exciting company available.

Marriage and love is the closest thing we can get to Faith in these secular times. If you can't have Faith in another person, there's probably something deeper wrong in your soul. That's not the end of the world, but it's worth exploring since it's low-hanging fruit for psychic development.

Faith is not a rational basis for entering into a legally enforceable life altering contract.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#803

Post by the_omegist »

HelloMcFly wrote: post #788
the_omegist wrote: post #771

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find your comment pretty agressive ("Maybe learn something from the person", "This statement is meaningless")... Which is pretty ironic because if saying "everything changes constantly" is meaningless, what about your advice to "learn" from a comment on the internet about a man he doesn't know at all that "regrets" something neither of us really know about ? One example has zero value as a "life changing lesson" an…

> Which is pretty ironic because if saying "everything changes constantly" is meaningless, what about your advice to "learn" from a comment on the internet about a man he doesn't know at all that "regrets" something neither of us really know about ? The OP's statement was a truism used - in this instance - to critique the wife for not "adapting to change". I think I made that pretty clear in my comment. If you can ap…

I get your point better now, thanks for the clarification.

I agree we should try to improve things that can be improved, but I guess this example's extreme nature (international relocation) makes it difficult to have a nuanced talk about couples' intra-dynamics...

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#804

Post by the_omegist »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #785
the_omegist wrote: post #777

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wait. He is saying her demands are neverending and you advise him to keep a list of his failures to guess them ?

It’s not a list of failures, but a list of ideals, e.g. if she gets mad about tripping over your towel, you might write: -always hang up towel after use A relationship is like building a house, you can build one with out a ruler, but it will probably be more stable if you use a rule®. These ideas/rules aren’t all equally important, but they provide a rule for straightening out or constructing a more stable house. Not…

Thanks for the clarification...but you qualifying her demands as "ideals" clearly shows you're taking one of them as being perfect and always-right and the other as needing to be re-educated. This is not a solid foundation for a relationship, to take your house metaphor.

A towel should not be left on the floor, anyone can agree, but on less obvious topics none of them can be credited as the unique source of Truth.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#805

Post by dosethree »

pmoriarty wrote: post #508
jimkleiber wrote: post #477

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I appreciate you sharing this. Reminds me of a class I took at the University of Illinois, it was a seminar in entrepreneurship for engineers, if I remember correctly. I believe a CEO of a $100M+ company came in and gave a speech. His first slide had a PowerPoint, on which he put something like, "3...2...1." Then he said, "3 wives, 2 divorces, and 1 heart attack. That's the real cost of entrepreneurship." I've rememb…

a CEO of a $100M+ company came in and gave a speech. His first slide had a PowerPoint, on which he put something like, "3...2...1." Then he said, "3 wives, 2 divorces, and 1 heart attack. That's the real cost of entrepreneurship." Plenty of people who were never entrepreneurs suffer the same or worse.. and do so while earning a tiny pittance of what CEOs make. Lack of money causes all sorts of additional stress on fa…

Isn’t being a good parent not making your family choose between being poor and having a workaholic parent?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#806

Post by mensetmanusman »

the_omegist wrote: post #804
mensetmanusman wrote: post #785

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s not a list of failures, but a list of ideals, e.g. if she gets mad about tripping over your towel, you might write: -always hang up towel after use A relationship is like building a house, you can build one with out a ruler, but it will probably be more stable if you use a rule®. These ideas/rules aren’t all equally important, but they provide a rule for straightening out or constructing a more stable house. Not…

Thanks for the clarification...but you qualifying her demands as "ideals" clearly shows you're taking one of them as being perfect and always-right and the other as needing to be re-educated. This is not a solid foundation for a relationship, to take your house metaphor. A towel should not be left on the floor, anyone can agree, but on less obvious topics none of them can be credited as the unique source of Truth.

I should have noted that they are her ideals, not necessarily yours.

However if you strive to be her ideal man, it’s still worthwhile to know what those are :)

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#807

Post by MisterBastahrd »

em-bee wrote: post #731
MisterBastahrd wrote: post #250

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I'm not missing anything. It's a ridiculous and childish thing to get upset over. Of all the other possible things that they could have disagreements about, THIS is something that SHE should have let be, because it does no harm to her and he has a rational explanation for it. It is literally picking shit to be upset over for the sake of having something to hold over your partner's head, and an indication that one…

that may be so, and yes, it may be a sign of emotional immaturity but telling my wife that she is ridiculous and childish is not going to help. on the contrary, responding like that would be immature on my part, it would only make things worse. i need to listen to her and try to understand why this bothers her so much and then we need to work out a solution that we can both accept. who is right or wrong is not releva…

If you're married to someone ridiculous and childish, that's on you. The immature part is getting involved in a dedicated relationship to that person in the first place. Everything else after that is lagniappe. Unity doesn't matter when it comes from a place of tyranny.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#808

Post by whateveracct »

epicureanideal wrote: post #802
whateveracct wrote: post #695

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage and love is the closest thing we can get to Faith in these secular times. If you can't have Faith in another person, there's probably something deeper wrong in your soul. That's not the end of the world, but it's worth exploring since it's low-hanging fruit for psychic development.

Faith is not a rational basis for entering into a legally enforceable life altering contract.

If you insist on being able to fully rationalize your love, you are putting a pretty low ceiling on it.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#809

Post by em-bee »

MisterBastahrd wrote: post #807
em-bee wrote: post #731

Earlier quoted context omitted.

that may be so, and yes, it may be a sign of emotional immaturity but telling my wife that she is ridiculous and childish is not going to help. on the contrary, responding like that would be immature on my part, it would only make things worse. i need to listen to her and try to understand why this bothers her so much and then we need to work out a solution that we can both accept. who is right or wrong is not releva…

If you're married to someone ridiculous and childish, that's on you. The immature part is getting involved in a dedicated relationship to that person in the first place. Everything else after that is lagniappe. Unity doesn't matter when it comes from a place of tyranny.

if there is tyranny there can't be unity. unity requires that both partners treat each other with love and respect.

the partner may not be aware what they are doing because they grew up with that kind of treatment from their parents. it may be normal to them without being intentional.

in that case nothing short of therapy with a relationship counselor will help.

if they are doing it intentionally then probably even therapy won't help.

(if you want to talk about more details we can take this private, my email is in my profile)

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#810

Post by LegitShady »

jeffrallen wrote: post #712
LegitShady wrote: post #424

Earlier quoted context omitted.

if the dishwasher is full I don't really understand the point of waiting for night to run the dishwasher...there's no more room for dishes in it and someone is going to have to empty it either way, and wouldn't it be better to have the dishes inside clean? Do you not empty the dishwasher at all when you start it during the day, and that's the actual issue?

Your logic is impeccable. The point is not the discussion. The point is accepting a pointless gripe from your sweetie because they would do the same for you.

I don't know it sounds like a legitimate complain where you buried the lead - that the dishwasher wasn't being emptied when you ran it during the day.
Post reply on HN