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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#761

Post by pmichaud »

willcipriano wrote: post #429
lazide wrote: post #413

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience? It’s never about that, and if there was nothing to criticize, THAT would be criticized. It’s usually about some fundamental disconnect or unmet need by one of the parties, and without concerted honest effort by both to face it, it’s going to explode sooner or later. The problem being, if they were already prone to spending concerted, honest effort in facing and talking about their problems, they wou…

In my experience it's always about what I'm talking about. My wife often refuses to clean up after herself, I tell her "Please pick up the iced tea bottles you left on the floor" and she goes into a rant about one time 5 years ago when I didn't pick up a something and engages in lots of deflection. Then she says stuff like you said "Your just upset that you have a meeting at work", when really it's I'd like to not pi…

This is a nice little vignette dramatizing the exact thing the article is about. You might want to consider that before you end up divorced.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#762

Post by jimkleiber »

cowvin wrote: post #760
imtringued wrote: post #726

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments you give to a human. As you get richer your status will isolate you from other people because you don't share their particular kind of suffering. One of the biggest problems is the fact that anything you can do can be done better by paying someone else to do nothing but the thing you want to do yourself.

It's hard to sympathize with people feeling isolated because they're rich. They could at any time remedy their situation and return to the world of normal people. They choose to be in that situation.

I imagine someone who was once rich and gives it all away to return to the "world of normal people" might still feel isolated.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#763

Post by nobodyandproud »

watwut wrote: post #735
nobodyandproud wrote: post #650

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you mean putting the dishes into the dishwasher, the comment thread morphed past that.

I mean the "ignoring that wife does not want to move to that foreign country, taking the job she is opposed to".

Ah yes. I agree that’s an agree-together-or-else decision.

But there are many mundane things that destroy marriages; and is inherent to the ambition territory. Long hours, missed family gatherings, etc.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#764

Post by what_ever »

AussieWog93 wrote: post #691
dre85 wrote: post #668

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fair enough, although I think the term "slob" is a bit extreme here. I would say that I'm just not very into what I would call "organization for the sake of organization". For example: 1. As the author already mentions, why put a cup into the dishwasher if you plan on using it again? 2. Why fold and put away my pants if I wear the same pants everyday for a week? 3. Why hang my jacket if I know I'm leaving again in an…

>I think the term "slob" is a bit extreme here >I wear the same pants everyday for a week I have nothing more to say. :P (In all seriousness, maybe have a chat with people you trust about general smell/hygeine. Dental shit especially is something so many grown adults get completely wrong. Not everyone notices it, but there's a damn good reason I go out of my way to sit next to black people on the train! :P). > I thin…

You should check out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6gu_ABMvzA. You don't need to wash your pants that often. Specially if stay somewhere there is not dust and areas are not dirty.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#765

Post by hackerfromthefu »

blunte wrote: post #600
beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

Maybe this is my pessimistic view, but most relationships don't last. Some of the ones that do last only because of complacency or discipline (but they arguably should dissolve). Conscious memory seems to favor the positives. Unconscious memory favors the negatives. If you quickly raise your hand near a person who has been physically abused a child, even as an adult they may instinctively recoil. But if you ask someo…

This is quite realistic, yet the marriage laws haven't caught up.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#766

Post by Fezzik »

jimkleiber wrote: post #477
beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

I appreciate you sharing this. Reminds me of a class I took at the University of Illinois, it was a seminar in entrepreneurship for engineers, if I remember correctly. I believe a CEO of a $100M+ company came in and gave a speech. His first slide had a PowerPoint, on which he put something like, "3...2...1." Then he said, "3 wives, 2 divorces, and 1 heart attack. That's the real cost of entrepreneurship." I've rememb…

This reminds me of big law firms - I briefly worked at a gigantic law firm and it seemed the closer to partner an attorney was the more divorces, mistresses, and extreme health problems that attorney would have.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#767

Post by coldtea »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #758
coldtea wrote: post #720

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The fundamental conflict is that the person and their wife's goals are not aligned. It would be that, if all goals were equally good and individual taste was the ultimate criterium (which in some cultures are, not always the best ones). Otherwise not wanting to "devel into a responsible adult" doesn't sound like an issue of "conflict of goals" (any more than one parent being an absentee parent would merely be a "co…

Some people just don't want to develop into an adult or be responsible parents. You can call this a development issue, but at some point it is also a problem of partner selection. If your partner has no interest in resolving their issues to your satisfaction, you are in for a rocky relationship continually dragging them Kicking and Screaming into something they do not want. At some point, your partners development is…

>Some people just don't want to develop into an adult or be responsible parents.

Yes. And it's fine to consider this a problem, and criticize them for it, is my point.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#768

Post by s1artibartfast »

coldtea wrote: post #767
s1artibartfast wrote: post #758

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people just don't want to develop into an adult or be responsible parents. You can call this a development issue, but at some point it is also a problem of partner selection. If your partner has no interest in resolving their issues to your satisfaction, you are in for a rocky relationship continually dragging them Kicking and Screaming into something they do not want. At some point, your partners development is…

> Some people just don't want to develop into an adult or be responsible parents. Yes. And it's fine to consider this a problem, and criticize them for it, is my point.

If it's not impacting you, I don't really see the point in passing judgement or criticism. If it does impact you, I think you have to ask why you want to be with who doest share your goals. Forcing change on an unwilling partner is a loosing battle for all involved

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#769

Post by tsol »

k0k0r0 wrote: post #357
jacobolus wrote: post #289

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's coming from an expectation of femininity that she's internalized. This is a sexist assumption which denies the woman individual agency. One person in a relationship having a higher standard for cleanliness than the other isn’t necessarily the result of some society-wide conditioning. There are plenty of very tidy men and more relaxed women out there in the wide world. And plenty of relationships where both par…

Wow. I never considered this before: Explaining certain kinds of behavior as the result of society-wide (patriarchaic) conditioning may be sexist itself, because it denies the womans individual agancy.

In general by explaining behavior by societal trends you're removing agency. To say women are making their choices because of the way they're influenced is to say women cannot make independent choices without being swayed by outside influences. It's kind of a paradoxical thing

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#770

Post by tsol »

Thlom wrote: post #479
steveBK123 wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, in a way I think it's almost easier to have two incomes and pay for help/services with the excess. Even if there is a 2:1 income ratio, each side can feel they are contributing monetarily and collectively decide what tasks are worth doing vs paying for. I can understand the psychology of both sides - the breadwinner thinks they are doing their job outside the house so why is the spouse not doing all the stuff in…

Is it normal in the US that only one in a relationship is working? I don’t think I know anyone where only one in the relationship is working. To me it feels like the power dynamics in such a relationship quickly gets really toxic.

Honestly it's still common all over the world, isn't it?
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