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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#731

Post by em-bee »

MisterBastahrd wrote: post #250
em-bee wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you are still missing the real problem. it does not matter that it's just one cup. what matters is that you are refusing to accept that this is bothering her. you need to find out why it bothers her and work out a compromise that you both can live with. * compromise isn't simply "doing what she wants you to do, when she wants you to do it.* right, but neither is ignoring the problem. with small things like these some…

No, I'm not missing anything. It's a ridiculous and childish thing to get upset over. Of all the other possible things that they could have disagreements about, THIS is something that SHE should have let be, because it does no harm to her and he has a rational explanation for it. It is literally picking shit to be upset over for the sake of having something to hold over your partner's head, and an indication that one…

that may be so, and yes, it may be a sign of emotional immaturity

but telling my wife that she is ridiculous and childish is not going to help. on the contrary, responding like that would be immature on my part, it would only make things worse.

i need to listen to her and try to understand why this bothers her so much and then we need to work out a solution that we can both accept.

who is right or wrong is not relevant, only consensus and unity matter, but you can't achieve unity by insisting to be right. on the contrary, instead of continuing to disagree it is better if we choose the wrong solution as long as we both agree with it, because only when we are united and neither of us insist to stick to our egos, we will be able to eventually accept that the solution was wrong and find a better one.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#732

Post by em-bee »

bena wrote: post #420
em-bee wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

if someone is using love as a tool for emotional manipulation they will be doing that already before they read the book. at best the book helps them to come up with that phrase. but not reading it won't prevent them from doing it. on the contrary, if you both read the book together then you will both become aware that this is happening and you can do something about it. There should be a rule, where you can learn abo…

I want the knowledge out there, I just don't want it to be used against people. You can learn love languages, you can talk about them to people, but you can't use bring it up with people you're in a relationship with. Especially in a discussion about your relationship. The point is for people to focus on learning rather than weaponization. And it's not just love languages. It's pretty much every psychological and soc…

not talking about your feelings in your relationship is exactly what opens you up for abuse. you both need to communicate openly with each other about everything you feel. if you can't do that then the relationship has a serious problem, and i would seek counselling

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#733

Post by redbar0n »

ianferrel wrote: post #412

My wife and I have found what is (I think) a good way to resolve many things like this. When we have a disagreement about something, we stop and ask each other whether this issue is important to each of us . If we both think it's not important, then we just agree not to talk about it anymore. That's the "agree to disagree" case. If it's important to one of us, then we just do that. I don't have to agree with her that…

Reminds me of the transformational question:

«Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a relationship?»

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#734

Post by tsukikage »

asdff wrote: post #495
a_brawling_boo wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for saying this. I spent years worried if I took an hour or two or a day during 'busy' times, and it turned me into a liar, because I said I do things or be somewhere and often times I did not because of work. It is always a 'busy' time. It took years, several jobs, and therapy before my eyes were open. Nobody cares, you are a human and have a life, if your employer does not understand that you need a new one.

I see my friends do this all the time and I just want to slap them in the face and tell them to snap out of whatever trance they are in. They work long hours, they are no longer making the time to take care of themselves, or keep up with people they love. They complain how terribly they hate their situation and how depressed it is, but they continue working those 60 hour weeks and bending over backwards to terrible b…

I'm in my notice period with nothing concrete lined up right now. (I'm job hunting - in the middle of several interview processes - but no offers yet.)

I am lucky enough to have savings and a very supportive partner, and even so it is stressful. Certainly without either or both of those things I would likely still be sticking it out at the current job (especially with the various things that were offered when I handed in my notice). I sympathise with those that feel trapped.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#735

Post by watwut »

nobodyandproud wrote: post #650
watwut wrote: post #450

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This does not sound like trade off for ambitions. More like ignoring her strong preference and then being shocked it turned out to be straw that broke camels back.

If you mean putting the dishes into the dishwasher, the comment thread morphed past that.

I mean the "ignoring that wife does not want to move to that foreign country, taking the job she is opposed to".

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#736

Post by dustypotato »

perpetuummobile wrote: post #93

I struggle with this myself. At the risk of sounding misogynistic: How come it’s always women who can’t deal with these “minor irritations”? I’ve never heard from any of my male friends complaining in this tack.

My male roommate is like that. He cannot deal with these minor irritations. Makes my life difficult often

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#737

Post by mensetmanusman »

Thlom wrote: post #479
steveBK123 wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, in a way I think it's almost easier to have two incomes and pay for help/services with the excess. Even if there is a 2:1 income ratio, each side can feel they are contributing monetarily and collectively decide what tasks are worth doing vs paying for. I can understand the psychology of both sides - the breadwinner thinks they are doing their job outside the house so why is the spouse not doing all the stuff in…

Is it normal in the US that only one in a relationship is working? I don’t think I know anyone where only one in the relationship is working. To me it feels like the power dynamics in such a relationship quickly gets really toxic.

Many (mostly) women enjoy caretaking more than working for the machine. Definitely higher quality of life satisfaction is possible if the division of labor is agreed upon.

Complementary relationships can be far less stressful if each are sacrificing for the well being of the other.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#738

Post by dijonman2 »

brewdad wrote: post #580
dijonman2 wrote: post #552

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Money isn’t free. The person earning needs to be supported. Running a house is work but I wholeheartedly reject the notion of someone both working and supplicating their partner. This is abuse.

If you think this story represents abuse, I truly hope you aren't married and never do.

That’s not nice

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#739

Post by diordiderot »

robohoe wrote: post #599
op00to wrote: post #554

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner tends to "ruminate" on making phone calls - setting up appointments, customer service stuff, etc. I am on the phone all day for work, so it's no big deal for me to deal with the calls. Sometimes, I ask my partner to make a call. Most times, she doesn't do it within the agreed upon time period. I either do it myself, she gets to it E V E N T U A L L Y, or it doesn't get done. I used to fight about this beca…

Could be your partner's inaction on making phone calls mean some sort of lack of confidence?

Deffo this

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#740

Post by xboxnolifes »

gleenn wrote: post #527
yojo wrote: post #502

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it is unimportant to you, and important to her, then splitting the difference doesn’t mean doing it your way half the time. If it instead is important to both of you, then you have a fundamental problem that you need to sit down and work through. Maybe there is a compromise that will leave both of you happy. Maybe one of you is willing to try changing. Or maybe you have an irreconcilable difference and need to spl…

He did mention that he would never care to change his behavior and had two reasons to continue doing it. I guess that doesn't mean it's the hill he would go to die on. I do struggle with the same thing, at what point is it something that's no longer a conversation, you should just change because the other person decided they cared enough about it. Having the wife end a marriage over it also seems ridiculous. If peopl…

> If I just sit around and say everything is "important", does that mean I get to have it my way all the time?

It means you're being manipulative dishonest. Which I hope we can agree is not a strong foundation for a relationship.

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