If this day really mattered to someone, they wouldn't need a post to tell them to do so.
Tell HN: Call Mom
121–130 of 243 posts
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#122I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…
I look at family as its own type of relationship. Like friend or romantic or professional is a type of relationship.
It's often worthwhile to have family that you stick together with. Partly to maintain some connection to where you come from but also because sometimes life throws some real nasty stuff at you, and it's good if someone has your back. I think we humans are wired for this to some extent, and it can often be beneficial.
If so, then it's worth some effort to maintain that family relationship. So I think there's a third option, which is to call them not because you're best buds or because you're supposed to but because you've decided maintaining that family relationship is important to you.
Can you have both a friend relationship and a family relationship with one person? Yes. It's great when people have that. But it's not a given, and if you can't (or don't, or don't yet), that doesn't necessarily prevent the family relationship from being there.
Personally I think calling multiple times a week is probably only natural if you have the friends type of relationship with them. If you don't, I wouldn't feel bad about not forcing it that way.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#123Is it a cultural thing Americans are so detached? Its usual here to call your family 2 to 4 times a week
> Its usual here to call your family 2 to 4 times a week Yes like many things it varies culturally. Calling family 2-4 times a week seems extraordinarily excessive to me. What possibly changes that often that you have anything to tell them about on a call that frequent? I don't think I call my wife that often when I'm working away. And I'm British so it's not just Americans.
Out of all the ways that we are learning about cultural/personal differences in this thread, this is the one that surprised me the most.
If you're away from home on work, you only call your wife 2-4 times a week? Note I'm not saying this is "wrong" or something, I am just very curious about it. I can't imagine not calling at least once a day.
I noted that you referred to the idea of "what could have changed that much, that often," but for me the purpose of these calls is not to exchange information but instead to express affection, feel affection in return, and to simply be in the other's presence (if virtually) for a short time. Mainly I just plumb miss her. This also holds true for the reasons I call my parents, but I tend to only do that once per week.
Having typed out that mini-screed, maybe you were just making a point, in which case carry on.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#124I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find som…
I had a similar relationship with my mother. Political opposites, plus mental illness, yada yada yada. When I came home from college she told me she was done with me and I haven’t seen her in over a decade. It was incredibly hard for me at the time, I was a teenager, but in retrospect it was the best thing she could have done. We were only capable of hurting each other. I don’t believe you owe someone your time because you’re related. I know it’s not a popular opinion, and it wouldn’t have been my choice, but it worked out well long term for my mental health.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#125Is it a cultural thing Americans are so detached? Its usual here to call your family 2 to 4 times a week
I'm Indian living in the USA and my parents and I talk everyday. It could be a quick 2-5 min chat for the most part, or a 30 min - 1 hour long conversation at times. Does not hurt either way. Never really understood the American detachment.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#126Can someone please help me understand? I feel such a strong aversion to acknowledge almost every holiday, especially marketing-driven ones like Mother’s Day. Frankly saying “happy Mother’s Day” feels like I’m defiling myself and mindlessly buying into propaganda. Isn’t it enough to treat mothers/fathers/etc well on a regular basis? Doesn’t that mean more than a call/card once a year? I don’t want to be this way. Help…
Yeah, I don't get it either.
I don't wish my mom on mother's day. (almost stubbornly so, she knows I don't buy into it).
It is kind of sad that I get to see her maybe once a year, due to my visa situation. But, I talk to her almost everyday. We don't talk about much, mostly small talk, and I do try to make her birthday special.
But, yeah, mother's day seems to be more like a threat than a celebration. Like, " Wish your mom and buy our gifts, because we have artificially raised expectations about a completely arbitrary day, and set her up for disappointment in case you don't."
I totally agree. Just talk to them regularly. If anything, just sending a card and calling on their special days is kind of insulting. Like, "the only time I can bear to talk to you, is when society shames me into it."
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#127Earlier quoted context omitted.
Herein lies the basic problem with assuming .
Are you arguing that generalizations shouldn't exist, or... ?
No. I’m not arguing anything. I’m cautioning the making of assumptions-even (maybe: ‘especially’?) in the face of cultural normatives.
Edit: Expanding some, since brevity gives too much room for ambiguity: cultural norms for some can be a point of pain for others because of forces we as observers to the experiences of others may never have to contend with; assumptions in the face of these norms can sometimes box a person into the same feelings of anxiety and distress because of said norms and how they have affected such individual in ways unique to them that we could be completely blind to. Familial relations are sometimes an especially sore area in this specific regard.
It’s was a cautionary remark, not an assertive one. Looking back on the post, maybe I should have said “Herein lies the basic problem with assuming of such intimate matters”.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#128def mom(believe_hallmark = False, mom_exists = False, mom_cares = False): if (believe_hallmark == True and mom_exists == True and mom_cares == True): print('Call Mom') else: print('Nah') mom(False, True, False) License: This code is open source. [EDIT] I'd forgotten how poorly humor fares on HN.
`== True` is triggering
I have mixed feelings. I prefer “if (condition)”, but I dislike “if (!cond)”, since the exclamation looks sneaky, especially when the condition is a method call or a long variable. But I dislike the dis-symmetry of using != but not == . Programming syntax taste is hard!!
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#129Earlier quoted context omitted.
My parents are east European immigrants to the US. They’ve had a hard life, never adjusted well. Calls to mom last about 20 seconds before she hands the phone off to my father, who will recount the mistakes and sufferings of his life. They’re broken. I call every other week but sometimes if I call more they’ll not answer the phone. I call, either way. There won’t be anything more, previous efforts to repair or resolv…
> I wish they had considered going back decades ago Considered what? You've said they had a hard life. Edit: Oh, I misread that (parsed it as "considered, going back decades ago", thinking you were implying you wish they had considered the effect of their actions). Yeah, I think for many older immigrants who were forced to emigrate from their homeland because of warfare or economic collapse, going back makes sense if…
They're too old now, health issues keep them house bound.
There was a time where they had the money and vitality to tackle the things that kept them out of their comfort zone. They were forced out of their country by a military invasion, and so in their mind, the country as it turned out wasn't theirs anymore either.
But they meet up with others who left under the same circumstances.. there's a shared culture, but it's all stopped in time. Frozen.
Re: Tell HN: Call Mom
#130I think people who at least had a bearable relationship with their parents can't even imagine the horrors a parent can unleash on their children, so can't imagine a scenario where someone would want to cut contact. They can't conceive of not having a connection with them at all because the parent (or parents) prevented one from developing with their behavior. They don't know the warden-terrorist spectrum of parents.
Some of those people make a friend or two who had a different experience and at least develop a little empathy. I don't expect you to understand, but I hope you can at least understand that many people lashing out in this thread are projecting a diminished form of the horrors done to them. It's not meant to be personal.