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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#571

Post by actfrench »

krmboya wrote: post #397
eganist wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

In non-western cultures, the primary goal of 'dating', if you can call it that is marriage, and the primary goal of marriage is to have kids.

Thank you! It is really strange to me that a woman talking about dating as a means to find a partner and children is such a "turn-off" and expresses "an ulterior motive"

I guess in some circles it's only acceptable to think about dating as a means to have sex? Very odd.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#572

Post by actfrench »

gavinhoward wrote: post #523
actfrench wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

Not GP, but I'll add to this: yes, sometimes the woman needs to be assertive, but you can do it such that the guy doesn't even notice. I was a year into my marriage when my wife claimed that she was the one who did the pushing of the relationship forward. I said, "That's not true, I did." She asked me what I did to do it, and I opened my mouth. And stopped. I couldn't think of a single thing. My wife just stood there…

Yes. One thing I am definitely going to take away from this is being more assertive. Really appreciate your thoughts.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#573

Post by actfrench »

throw34 wrote: post #241
actfrench wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

> A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Also, from my personal experience, what you want is going to change over time. And even if someone checks your boxes today, they’re unlikely to be that same person in 10 years. Being a parent changed me a lot (hopefully for the better) and 20s me, 30s me, 40s me are all pretty different guys in terms of priorities, willingness to listen to…

Love this: "having a communication channel and the willingness to adapt"

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#574

Post by actfrench »

ifelsethenyeah wrote: post #456
actfrench wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

Dating books are written by people who are in the business of selling books. I would doubt many elderly couples or parties of who are happily-married for decades write dating or relationship advice books. Keep your money and talk to happy couples: it's better information for cheaper.

I think that's a really good point. I do try to only read dating books by people who have happy, successful marriages. All the better if it was a challenge for them to find someone. People who found a happy marriage effortlessly often can't give that great advice because they didn't go through the struggle and find a solution.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#575

Post by actfrench »

ifelsethenyeah wrote: post #455
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

Checklist people who act like they're entitled to order a person at Burger King are perpetual unicorn chasers. The ego and self-absorption of those types is suffocating. The good stuff is when it's effortless at first. For the long term, both parties have to be willing to put in the work to cooperate with another differently opinionated, fallible human being. Too many people ("middle-class" Americans 20-35) behave in…

I tend to think that when you have a checklist, you're approaching a partner as if they are merchandise for sale. It's better to look at what you share between you, like good communication, love, attraction.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#576

Post by actfrench »

actfrench wrote: post #575
ifelsethenyeah wrote: post #455

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist people who act like they're entitled to order a person at Burger King are perpetual unicorn chasers. The ego and self-absorption of those types is suffocating. The good stuff is when it's effortless at first. For the long term, both parties have to be willing to put in the work to cooperate with another differently opinionated, fallible human being. Too many people ("middle-class" Americans 20-35) behave in…

I tend to think that when you have a checklist, you're approaching a partner as if they are merchandise for sale. It's better to look at what you share between you, like good communication, love, attraction.

But also, I think that sometimes people have checklists because they are actually really insecure about intimacy. So, I have great empathy for that.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#577

Post by NylaTheWolf »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Most of what you said sounds totally reasonable but I don't understand how being turned off by men asking very specific questions and interrogating her about her fertility before they even met is an "ulterior motive"? Am I missing something here?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#579

Post by yread »

sloaken wrote: post #445
gamechangr wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're "…

Great idea about the 'not in the next 2 years'. I would have fallen for that myself. Myself, we waited for 4 years after marriage to have our first. Looking back, I wish we had started off having kids. We have 2 ... I wish we had 4. Oh well.

Just today my 2 year old drank shampoo because we haven't watched him (I was with his older brother). How do people even handle 4 kids? And how do you handle 2 such that you think that having 4 would be great?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#580

Post by throw220702 »

actfrench wrote: post #571
krmboya wrote: post #397

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In non-western cultures, the primary goal of 'dating', if you can call it that is marriage, and the primary goal of marriage is to have kids.

Thank you! It is really strange to me that a woman talking about dating as a means to find a partner and children is such a "turn-off" and expresses "an ulterior motive" I guess in some circles it's only acceptable to think about dating as a means to have sex? Very odd.

There's a more charitable reading of the proper motive which aligns what you want: To be wanted for some essential thing about yourself.
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