Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

> A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want

Also, from my personal experience, what you want is going to change over time. And even if someone checks your boxes today, they’re unlikely to be that same person in 10 years.

Being a parent changed me a lot (hopefully for the better) and 20s me, 30s me, 40s me are all pretty different guys in terms of priorities, willingness to listen to others, etc.

I echo other comments and say the priority is having a communication channel and the willingness to adapt.

I’m going to provide you with some horrible advice. Please don’t take it.

Date married men.

There are a huge number of married men in my social group who want to have kids, but their spouse is unable or unwilling. These men sound just as forlorn as you.

One finally divorced his wife and is engaged to a woman with two young sons. I’ve never seen him as happy.

I’d estimate that 10% of my married male friends are in this circumstance. Half are deeply committed to their wives, but the other half could be swayed by the opportunity for a family. Those 10% of men, are significantly better catches than any of my still unmarried friends.

My unmarried friends have mental illness, drug/alcohol addiction, or… both. One has a significant physical disability. It’s a horrible pool to date from.

Again, disregard my advice.. but that’s what I’d do if I were you.

The downvotes are at best amusing and at worst concerning, usually I don't comment on it but in this case I'm genuinely curious- who is against staying safe? Like, what!?? Please leave a comment instead, unless you're just bitterly trolling.

>When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woma

No, it's not specific; it's very wide and applicable to a large majority of guys. Also, there is no such thing as "superficially compatible"; either you are compatible and can develop the relationship into more, or you are not compatible and are only pretending you actually like to be around eachother. OP has been obsessing over the elements that are superficial, and she has been entirely ignorant of components that are important for compatibility with men.

>There's a lot of blanket statements here.

Yes. Correct. That is how you successfully date. It is a numbers game. It is not about finding the .000000000143% of the population that is your "The One", it's about finding the 1% of the population that you could be happily ever after with, and making sure you are also attractive to them.

>Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or

No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not.

>Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing

Obviously they are not the same thing. Dogs and manicured lawns are beautiful. They are never hot. Beautiful exists to mean "something I like looking at but not because it's sexually attractive".

>but who would lie to a friend about either?

A crapload of people. It's a classic puffery compliment, because it's 100% subjective and 0% able to be discredited.

>I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because

You can challenge it all you want.

Women who think self help books and tarot cards will land them a man is a huge red flag to a vast majority of men. It is evidence that they are not "emotionally mature", as they claim to be, because these things are not difficult for an emotionally mature woman to learn and understand. Men are not that complicated.

>There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration.

If by "for self-exploration" you mean "for a laugh", sure. If you actually go home at the end of the day and say "why aren't I married, I read XYZ and saw ABC therapist", yes, that is a large indication you have a potentially damaging social malfunction.

My impression is that all the complex and time consuming things you have been doing, you are just doing in order to to leave a properly documented trail to convince yourself (mainly, as well as anyone else) that you made a good and proper effort, and that the lack of a result must be due to some uncontrollable external factors, and not something like your heart not being in it, or you're scared or reasons like that.