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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#191

Post by ip26 »

Aeolun wrote: post #126
tacoman wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, spending time with little kids can be really boring, be present when it counts though. This period of life doesn't last forever so take care of your health and maintain your important relationships with whatever energy you can muster. Every time I look at pictures of my kids when they were younger I feel a tinge of regret for not being more in the moment.

> I feel a tinge of regret for not being more in the moment. That’s not really something you control. In that moment you probably just wanted to escape for 5 minutes of blessed peace.

The weird part is the lag. You want to escape for 5 minutes. But you only want that now because you couldn't escape for years before. If you stopped to think about it, maybe you don't really want those five minutes. If only you stop and really think.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#192

Post by jahewson »

volkl48 wrote: post #185
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

1) You may be good at this or have some situation in terms of support structures or lifestyle where this is particularly easy, but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree). The combination of more than one kid and 2 parents working FT out of the home, seems to equal an absolutely exhausting long-term grind for many unless they've got a lot of family near…

I think you’re painting a pretty simplistic and distorted caricature of reality.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#193

Post by volkl48 »

shanewwarren wrote: post #175
maxsilver wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

I've heard stories of how difficult the process of adopting kids can be. So, kudos to you, that sounds like a lot to manage. Regarding opting out, I get it, but I don't agree personally. Not having kids, can enable some pretty great lifestyles. But I do feel like you don't get a chance to understand what being a parent is all about. No amount of being a great aunt / uncle / whatever, gives you that feeling of needing…

Life is a series of choices, and it's impossible to explore every path you could take.

> But I do feel like you don't get a chance to understand what being a parent is all about.

That's 100% accurate.

There's a pretty much infinite number of possible life experiences I'm not going to get to experience personally and will not have the time/money/ability to fit into my lifespan. The wishlist of things I'd love to do or experience someday continually grows longer - no matter how much I try to fit more of them into my life.

Taking on what amounts to a lifetime commitment and a massive investment of time and money for an experience that I have zero interest in and think I would actively dislike, seems like a terrible use of my finite resources.

> It forces you to change, maintain a good relationship w/ your partner, be a good role model, etc.

Perhaps it inspired you to do that. But the divorce rate and number of parents out there are terrible role models, suggest that it's not exactly the case for everyone.

I'll also suggest that people who don't have much interest in becoming parents are probably a whole lot more likely to wind up on the negative side of those possibilities should they wind up having children anyway.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#194

Post by hattar »

smesla wrote: post #160
andsoitis wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> norm really should be to not reproduce Humans, just like other organisms, can't help themselves. More seriously, we are expressions of replicating organic matter, the vessels for this process to continue to unfold. Humans are a phase in a long progression of evolution by natural selection. One day, just like long ago, "we" will no longer be around. And that's OK.

I...beg to differ.

This might be one of those MiB things:

> A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.

Many individuals can help themselves, but on the whole the species cannot.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#195

Post by pavo-etc »

neverartful wrote: post #140
mensetmanusman wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Our society tends to reward people that curse infrequently?

It's more about having self respect. Why use the same language as drunken sailors and criminals?

If this is ironic this is a pretty funny joke, and if this isn't ironic this is even funnier.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#196

Post by ip26 »

D13Fd wrote: post #75
hattmall wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having a dog is legitimately more than a kid 90% of the time if it's an indoor dog you treat like a kid. It's different, but constant and the dog never becomes self sufficient. It's also more challenging to travel with them.

With 4 kids and a dog, I tell people this, but no one believes me. Dogs can absolutely be harder than kids a lot of the time.

Forgive me- four kids, but how many boys?

My dogs can't even comprehend how to be as difficult as my boys.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#197

Post by collegeburner »

maxsilver wrote: post #139
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

i'm too young to be having kids rn anyway but i thought about it a little and this is one of the big things that makes me hesitate. i don't think i could handle raising a kid who ended up special needs and required lifelong care. seems like having a kid who ended up an alcoholic/junkie/mentally retarded/deeply at odds with my values would really remove most of the positives, so it would be a serious gamble.

of course, i also have it easier since men can just remarry at 50 and still have kids. i have time. but it really makes me wonder if i ever want children. my parents think it's a great thing and i shouldn't be quite so worried but they have quite the case of survivorship bias, all their kids turned out well and so it is easy from their perspective on the other side.

the annoying part is all the girls i meet either know they want kids or know they don't. nobody my age should be quite that certain yet in either direction. makes dating a bitch beyond casual relationships ngl.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#198

Post by PragmaticPulp »

volkl48 wrote: post #185
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

1) You may be good at this or have some situation in terms of support structures or lifestyle where this is particularly easy, but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree). The combination of more than one kid and 2 parents working FT out of the home, seems to equal an absolutely exhausting long-term grind for many unless they've got a lot of family near…

> but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree).

My experience as a parent and talking to other parents in my social circle couldn't be more different.

It's possible that your "openly childfree" status is biasing your conversations with others toward viewpoints that support your childfree identity. Personally, I learned long ago to avoid discussing anything about parenting with people who make childfree part of their outward identity, because it seems they only want to argue that my experience as a parent is somehow wrong or invalid.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#199

Post by bee_rider »

kotlin2 wrote: post #89
ProfessorLayton wrote: post #29

A huge asterisk here is that this varies greatly by culture. For better or worse* certain cultures value strong family bonds and time spent with the parents, as well as bilateral support well into adulthood. Many cultures also encourage multigenerational living within a single household (or in extremely close proximity like my parents did). For example, my parents were happy to have me live at home as long as I wante…

How much did you hang out with them once you were home though? With a < 12 year old, you spend a few hours in the morning + from like 5:30 pm until bedtime on weekdays, and then the entire weekend, with your kid. I lived at home for some time. I spent an hour maximum per day with my dad, including on weekends.

I used to spend hours a day playing Call of Duty with my dad over college breaks. Good times.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#200

Post by shanewwarren »

brokenbyclouds wrote: post #183
shanewwarren wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've heard stories of how difficult the process of adopting kids can be. So, kudos to you, that sounds like a lot to manage. Regarding opting out, I get it, but I don't agree personally. Not having kids, can enable some pretty great lifestyles. But I do feel like you don't get a chance to understand what being a parent is all about. No amount of being a great aunt / uncle / whatever, gives you that feeling of needing…

It absolutely does not force you to change at all, nor does it force you to maintain a good relationship with your partner. Divorce rates are high, there are lots of bad parents. Having kids may have pushed you to be better, and that's great, but there are a lot of people out there for whom it makes no positive difference at all.

I don't disagree with you. Divorce rates are high, and for many it doesn't make a positive difference. I imagine most folks on HN are pretty conscious about striving to be better, so for this small subset I think my opinion is reasonable. And I know plenty of people who if they had kids (but abstain) would absolutely rock at it, and it *could* be a positive forcing function, such that they get to experience different aspects to life.
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