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75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#181

Post by xeromal »

balfirevic wrote: post #153
kbrannigan wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! American, Anglo-Saxon culture while widespread is not the norm. There is such thing as Inter-generational living. You often see advice on the internet: Why are you 20 and still living with your parents, you're a loser. You're 30 still living with your parents, you won't amount to anything. Yeah right!!! Meanwhile they leave alone with a dog, - need a ton of additional psychotherapy to stay sane. - Need to setup…

> There is such thing as Inter-generational living I'm neither American nor Anglo-Saxon, but yes, there is such thing as living hell.

Your mileage may vary. It's not inter-generational but I (31 years) live in a house with my brother (26 years) and sister (25 years) live in a house we own together all with our own respective partners, etc. It's not for everyone but I promise you this. We ain't lonely. lol.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#182

Post by zinckiwi »

sneak wrote: post #172
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

> The sleepless nights and diaper changes are a mere blip on the scale of a lifetime with kids. You're looking at what, 2-5 years of that? Per kid? Plus the huge time commitments for all of the other burdensome stuff that having kids entails, like school and transport and non-school education? 2-5 years out of a lifetime isn't much, but 2-5 years out of your 30s or early 40s is a gigantic percentage of your remaining…

I have 4 kids whom I love dearly, and I don't _regret_ having them. But often I wish I could be in a sci-fi movie where I get to live two lives simultaneously; one with, one without.

It's not as much the excitement of my alternate life, or the reservation of more resources for myself (money, time, etc.) though that, selfishly, sounds nice. It's mostly the stress and ever-present burden of being a parent. I could do without it sometimes.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#183

Post by brokenbyclouds »

shanewwarren wrote: post #175
maxsilver wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

I've heard stories of how difficult the process of adopting kids can be. So, kudos to you, that sounds like a lot to manage. Regarding opting out, I get it, but I don't agree personally. Not having kids, can enable some pretty great lifestyles. But I do feel like you don't get a chance to understand what being a parent is all about. No amount of being a great aunt / uncle / whatever, gives you that feeling of needing…

It absolutely does not force you to change at all, nor does it force you to maintain a good relationship with your partner. Divorce rates are high, there are lots of bad parents. Having kids may have pushed you to be better, and that's great, but there are a lot of people out there for whom it makes no positive difference at all.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#184

Post by chasil »

alpinemeadow wrote: post #178
maxsilver wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

I always say I only found unconditional love once I became a parent. (From me toward my child) As you say, the commitment is forever, whether we are present or not. For the movie Interstellar, one of the themes Nolan developed was that at some point we become our children’s memories. It probably happens around the 12 year old mark. For all parents out there, be present, however you can.

This is not always so.

For me, unconditional love was a youthful thing.

My parents are much less admirable now, as I have grown older.

My reasons are legion.

I don't wish them harm, but they are nothing like me.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#185

Post by volkl48 »

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #41

One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…

1) You may be good at this or have some situation in terms of support structures or lifestyle where this is particularly easy, but this is not at all what many parents I know/encounter express to me (as a person who's openly childfree). The combination of more than one kid and 2 parents working FT out of the home, seems to equal an absolutely exhausting long-term grind for many unless they've got a lot of family nearby who are both willing and able to share that load.

2) To be replaced by endless after school activities/sports, events, and other child-related things. Fine if you like them, but if not you're not seriously getting your free time back until maybe the teenage years. A decade+ in the prime of your life is not a "mere blip" to many.

3) You do (which is great - clearly you're the sort of person who should have kids). There are a lot of people who have children and....don't suddenly find an appreciation for children. The vast number of children in the world with a willfully absent, abusive, or simply disinterested and not loving parent stand as a clear counter-argument, and the statistics on child abuse/neglect are pretty awful.

On the anecdotal side - It's pretty heartbreaking how many of those I grew up with (who had outwardly normal, upper middle class families) turned out to have those sorts of terrible parents and traumatic childhoods...and those are just the ones I know about. I'm thankful I didn't have that childhood, but a shocking number of children do.

I think it's misleading to promote this ideal like it's just going to happen for everyone who has kids and leads to people who shouldn't have children having them and resenting them or worse.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#187

Post by kelp »

rdtwo wrote: post #162
smesla wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah but now I have to consider suicidal teenagers and climate change. I'll be lucky to live to 70, my (potential) kids, maybe 60, if the environment doesn't completely collapse.

Climate change won’t affect you unless you are poor. If you are poor then being poor is a much more immediate problem.

The wildfire smoke every year impacts millions of people in the west.

Just this summer I was watching the Mosquito fire updates daily to see if we were going to have to evacuate. Fortunately it rained and prevented that.

There were days where we had to huddle in one room with multiple air filters going to keep the air breathable. Couldn't really go outside at all. The AQI outside was well over 500 for days at a time.

Not poor, and I'd say we were pretty impacted by it.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#188

Post by nearbuy »

barbariangrunge wrote: post #34
wang_li wrote: post #19

While it may be a true statistic, it seems to dramatically miss the boat. Time spent with a newborn, with an infant, with a four year old, with a ten year old, with a sixteen year old, with a twenty year old are not the same. You can have more interaction, more contentment, more sense of continuity, and more sense of family, in a Thanksgiving weekend spent with your adult child and their family than the entirety of y…

What percent of statistics are made up again? 75% maybe?

As far as I can tell, this is an unsourced statistic, and something that wouldn't be that easy to measure or even define. What counts as time spent together?

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#189

Post by ChainOfFools »

maxsilver wrote: post #139
WheatMillington wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…

My partner and I have 5 kids under 7yrs old -- four of whom are adopted and two of whom are struggling with severe developmental delays (and likely autism, still waiting on formal diagnosis). When kids get older, they get a lot more "fun" and a lot less immediate work. I can take my eldest two out pretty much anywhere without a ton of effort, they are fun to hang out with, they can be trusted to be kind and respectfu…

> Be absolutely ready to make a literal lifetime commitment to love and care for this child as a fellow human, before deciding to have one.

Unfortunately, if you decide after all of this reflection that you don't want to have kids there is no need to worry, at least, about perpetuating the human race... because for every couple who conscientiously decides not to have kids, there are a half dozen more who don't give any thought to any of this whatsoever and proceed to have (often multiple) kids anyway.

Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12

#190

Post by sneak »

zinckiwi wrote: post #182
sneak wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The sleepless nights and diaper changes are a mere blip on the scale of a lifetime with kids. You're looking at what, 2-5 years of that? Per kid? Plus the huge time commitments for all of the other burdensome stuff that having kids entails, like school and transport and non-school education? 2-5 years out of a lifetime isn't much, but 2-5 years out of your 30s or early 40s is a gigantic percentage of your remaining…

I have 4 kids whom I love dearly, and I don't _regret_ having them. But often I wish I could be in a sci-fi movie where I get to live two lives simultaneously; one with, one without. It's not as much the excitement of my alternate life, or the reservation of more resources for myself (money, time, etc.) though that, selfishly, sounds nice. It's mostly the stress and ever-present burden of being a parent. I could do w…

I know exactly what the next dozen years of my life would look like if I have children.

I don't know what the next dozen years of my life will look like if I don't. It may be cooler, it may be worse. We're going to find out, though. Ever into the unknown...

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