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Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

bbc.com

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Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#141

Post by IAmGraydon »

cousin_it wrote: post #136
dwaltrip wrote: post #124

Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary,…

I think using your analytical mind to affect your attention and behavior in social situations isn't the best way to learn social skills, because it's too easy to come across as creepy if you don't have the right "feel" for doing these things. My own approach is more about unlocking another part of your mind, to which socializing makes sense natively. It's a bit more inwardly focused, but still supposed to be used in…

I think these techniques are initially analytical in nature, and may seem forced, but eventually it becomes habit, and you don't have to think about it on a moment-to-moment basis.

Your last sentence is interesting, but quite a cliffhanger. Can you expand upon your technique or point us to some resources?

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#142

Post by wonder_er »

Fnoord wrote: post #127
wonder_er wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A while back I read Never Eat Alone [0], and found it to be fruitful for framing casual social interactions. Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for eve…

I like your suggestion but I am not sold on you asking about what someone's favorite documentary is in work situations. You generally want to avoid discussing politics in work situations. How do you cope with that? Has it ever lead to awkward situations?

good question. I pretty actively try to avoid discussing politics, because... well, it's rarely fruitful. Talking/debating pretty much never convinces anyone of anything.

If you want to change someone's mind on something, step 1 tends to be "deeply understand why they think a certain thing", and not only is this totally at odds with casual work conversation, it's not actually appropriate in the vast majority of work relationships.

Anyway - gentle redirects out of political topics usually work for me.

If they say something like "I just watched a documentary about {bad group} doing {bad thing}, and that's why Trump is an idiot", I'd try something like "oh, where did you see that? Was it on Netflix, or cable TV?"

If they say Netflix, then "oh, cool. I just saw a video on how Netflix caches content and uses this thing called a 'chaos monkey' to preempt catastrophic outages. It's really clever... the way they use it is..."

Just pick a non-political element out of the conversation, and drive into that. Usually works.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#143

Post by wonder_er »

executesorder66 wrote: post #96
wonder_er wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

100% agree. There are members of my family that, if allowed to contribute a sentence, often go on to dominate the conversation for minutes, despite the very obvious boredom and displeasure of everyone else in the conversation. If you come up with an answer to how to tell a conversational monopolist to shut up... please, please share it. I usually just walk away, but that doesn't improve the situation for everyone els…

I just interrupt them, by asking someone else in the group their opinion on what was just said. Rude? Yes, but not as rude as taking over the conversation for longer than you should.

that's... pretty straight forward, and a good idea. I'll give it a shot!

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#144

Post by wonder_er »

pcunite wrote: post #87
wonder_er wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

100% agree. There are members of my family that, if allowed to contribute a sentence, often go on to dominate the conversation for minutes, despite the very obvious boredom and displeasure of everyone else in the conversation. If you come up with an answer to how to tell a conversational monopolist to shut up... please, please share it. I usually just walk away, but that doesn't improve the situation for everyone els…

One thing that helps me is knowing that these people are Quality Time (according to the Five Love Languages book). Don't confuse Quality Conversation with Time. The best way to stop them is to identify the time that has gone by. I don't have perfect method yet.

Hah! That's a good book.

My wife and I have running jokes about imaginary love languages. She's pretty sure "chocolate" is a love language. I agree.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#145

Post by mwcgtbkp5yfg »

zschuessler wrote: post #34
EasyTiger_ wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How grossly manipulative

I can see how one may think that! I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's also crazy fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're okay being silly. Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with inflection, or using any of the tools described in the artic…

Beyond being manipulative, it's coming across in your descriptions as childish and weird. How about you just act how you feel? That seems a lot more relatable.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#146

Post by mwcgtbkp5yfg »

Lon7 wrote: post #130
EasyTiger_ wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How grossly manipulative

Manipulative, maybe. But why grossly? All you are doing is making the other person feel good. It should be encouraged and celebrated. If you have a choice between making someone feel neutral, or feel great, why wouldn't you choose great?

Because it's manipulative, if I don't know you.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#147

Post by mwcgtbkp5yfg »

simplify wrote: post #85
EasyTiger_ wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How grossly manipulative

Is it manipulative to attempt to invoke emotion in music as well? If not, what would be the difference?

Yes, it is. The difference is that I generally choose to listen to specific types of music (or to see performances that I willing choose to let manipulate me). If a random person on the street came up to me and started playing any sort of music, that would be incredibly rude. (Note that this is different than buskers who are not generally targeting a specific person and generally need a permit to perform in a specific place.)

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#148

Post by qubyte »

hluska wrote: post #133
qubyte wrote: post #4

The article mentions getting someone to like you unnaturally fast to divulge information. This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend). While it was happening it…

This reminds me of being a slightly rebellious teenager. My Dad was a police officer known for being a particularly effective investigator. Whenever I'd do something stupid, my Dad would sit me down for a chat. No matter how much I steeled myself, the truth eventually came out. Like you, I was always absolutely exhausted afterwards.

This guy was a retired police officer, as it happens.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#149

Post by qubyte »

orf wrote: post #112
qubyte wrote: post #4

The article mentions getting someone to like you unnaturally fast to divulge information. This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend). While it was happening it…

Can you elaborate on this? It sounds really interesting. In retrospect what did they do to disarm you?

It was a long time ago, so I don't remember an awful lot. He caught me off balance from the start. I remember bringing ID and asking him if he needed to see it. With a hint of an amused smile he replied "I know who you are, young man." Other than that, he just kept me chatting. It seemed perfectly natural at the time.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#150

Post by sidcool »

bkanber wrote: post #76
sidcool wrote: post #49

A harsh fact is not mentioned. Good looking people have it easier than others. There's a natural charm in for looks.

> “While some things, like dominance, are highly related to morphological features, there are things like trustworthiness and even attractiveness which are highly dependent on facial expressions,” says Todorov > Of course, while you may not be able to control the physical features of your face, it is possible to alter your expressions and smile. I'd say that is mentioned.

Ok, the language somewhat confused me. It's mentioned somewhere.
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