131–140 of 172 posts
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So much so that some of it appears bordering on psychopathy: concentrate on the colours in someone's eyes to pretend you care about what they're saying, indeed!
As opposed to staring at your lap or the middle distance to demonstrate how you couldn't give a flying rat's ass about them?
Any good book recommendations on engaging small talk and authentic first impressions? I’m headed to a weeklong NYE retreat that has a tendency to dredge up high school cafeteria level social anxieties.
Note that one of its foundations is that developing social, emotional, expressive, performance-based skills takes practice and rehearsal to go from mechanical practicing, like playing scales, to effortless, genuine, authentic self-expression. The same as in learning to act, sing, play an instrument, play a sport, military, and so on.
The book gives you exercises. It's not for everyone. Just reading it will help you appreciate the skills. Practice will lead to growth.
The article mentions getting someone to like you unnaturally fast to divulge information. This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend). While it was happening it…
Whenever I'd do something stupid, my Dad would sit me down for a chat. No matter how much I steeled myself, the truth eventually came out.
Like you, I was always absolutely exhausted afterwards.
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Paul Ford has a great riff on that: https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c > Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a li…
It probably only works on people who don't get that reaction often. I've been a physicist and a computer engineer the "that's sounds hard" reaction is a bit embarrassing. Also it can be a conversation closer because of the subtext that "I won't understand anything meaningful that you have to say about it". So I certainly wouldn't use this technique on say a neurosurgeon I meet at some random party.
Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary,…
Jokes aside, interesting and well thought-out list, thank you. Going to try some of these as I am visiting very opinionated, ornery family this week.
Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary,…
Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is actually projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.
These techniques are very similar to those used in social engineering. In order to social someone, you need to get them to trust you. Charm, charisma, and likeability are all related and essential when you want to get something out of someone. That may sound transactional and it is. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that no one is a friend to you out of the goodness of their heart. That simply does not exist anymore.
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Someone once told me that the way they can always tell if someone is an American traveling abroad in their country is that they always have this stupid shit eating grin on their face and most everyone else keeps a neutral expression. If you are out of your cultural element, you can cross the line into apparent insincerity with surprising ease. Always know thyself.
Many Londoners (or Australians living in London) find that expression somewhat charming. Just don't talk to strangers on the tube.
Concepts I've found effective and powerful: * Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions. * Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility * Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary,…
This is a thing I sometimes crave... People are very eager to teach you lessons and give one advice after another, when you open yourself up even the tiniest bit, if your life is even slightly unconventional. So annoying; if I'm telling my story, it's because I want to share it and lighten my heart, and I'm not stupid, I know what you tell me already, and a bit more, given the topic is my life. I'm an aspiring researcher in humanities, but I know me some programming and a couple foreign languages. Every time the topic of future comes up, and if I make the stupid mistake of talking about my worries and plans, I'm bombarded with suggestions on how to put my skills to use, how to become rich, how I should just quit this laziness, this idleness and spend my time doing something useful. The best thing to do after listening to someone sharing their problems, worries etc. is either to make them speak more, or to nod your head, and pass on to some other topic, related or not. And if one really wants to help, just ask whether they want you to help and if yes how to help.