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A Million First Dates

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Re: A Million First Dates

#91

Post by singular »

geuis wrote: post #86
singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

Found your photo on your Twitter profile. You're a decent looking guy! I have no advice to give, as I'm currently single too. I'm an overweight fellow in San Francisco but have had modest success in meeting women in the last few years. Haven't met anyone that threw a spark though. I mainly use okcupid when looking around. Point is mainly about confidence I think. When I'm exuding confidence (feeling like a million bu…

Thanks, that's kind! I am overweight right now too, that photo was when I was lighter (recently) - I lost loads, then gained again partly due to anti-depressants, partly due to feeling there was no point in keeping it off.

I think confidence is a big part, but height is huge. And I don't think I could exude the kind of cockiness that might lead to success, as I am naturally a skeptical person, and a depressive as well which makes that hard anyway.

Re: A Million First Dates

#92

Post by jdotjdot »

rokhayakebe wrote: post #72
singular wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I'm not. Anybody who's tried in real life as well as online, knows what an impact these factors have, especially height, irritatingly given its arbitrariness in western society. I spent months trying online, have tried in real life, parties, bars, you name it for years. I am actually pretty good socially. Believe me, this is not for want of trying. I am not willing to join random clubs to try to meet women, as my…

Allow me to tell you how wrong you are. My roomate is 6'4, broad shoulders, athletic, good looking by any standard, and he is hella funny. People thought for the longest he had plenty girls, but believe me when I say he had his fair share of trouble. Now, this will sound like a lie, but I have no way to prove this to you unless you decide to make a trip to the city of Atlanta at which point I will introduce you to my…

Right, but especially given the OP, it does beg the question of if he is actually building committed relationships with any, or just taking various good looking women home.

Re: A Million First Dates

#93

Post by singular »

JohnsonB wrote: post #87
singular wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I'm not. Anybody who's tried in real life as well as online, knows what an impact these factors have, especially height, irritatingly given its arbitrariness in western society. I spent months trying online, have tried in real life, parties, bars, you name it for years. I am actually pretty good socially. Believe me, this is not for want of trying. I am not willing to join random clubs to try to meet women, as my…

Question: how often do you actually ask women on dates? I mean unequivocally ask them on a "date"? Empirically, I would say you are simply wrong. I know a fair number of short men who are successful with women. It's probably something else you are doing: dress, hygiene, posture/eye contact, lack of confidence (and not in a "you have to change who you are/act cocky" type of way.) I'm not asserting anything specific be…

Obviously online, I have frequently attempted contact, before reaching a stage where I could ask that, but that was the purpose.

In real life, I have usually not got so far as to ask for a date, as I have been rejected out of hand before getting that far. And the friends who I wanted to go out with, I have asked out and been rejected.

I don't think it's that ridiculous, for one we're talking 2 sigma out of the norm, on the short side, so that's 2.5% of the male population, and of course there are endless ways to compromise. So that leads to another point, I do want to have a relationship with somebody I find attractive, even if marginally so (I really am not all that picky), if I was to remove that restriction then I could probably do quantitively better. Perhaps many of my fellow short cohorts do that.

Additionally, there are other factors, I know some short people who have done well too - good looks, a certain kind of confidence and social standing/success principally.

I am very open to considering whether I'm screwing up elsewhere, however my experience, and that of many other people has been similar, and I also have tall friends who don't dress especially well, poor posture, etc. who have had endless relationships. It's a huge, huge factor.

Re: A Million First Dates

#94

Post by dusing »

colmvp wrote: post #63
dusing wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a different philosophy about online dating that prevents the "wasted week" you speak about. In the year and a half since my divorce I've gone on about 30 first dates with people I've met online. What I do is exchange 2 emails, tops, before asking for a coffee or happy hour date (short time commitment if it doesn't work out) and then we meet and nip it in the bud. I've done the week of texting thing and it alwa…

I'm curious about your physical stats because I have this theory that guys of a certain race and height have a significantly easier time getting dates than others.

Confidence is everything. I look ok in the face but I'm 260 and 5' 10"... So obese and overweight by any measure. I've never been single before 30, as I had married my high school sweetheart (don't) and I'm surprised how easy it is.

Beside confidence I think I have my shit together, home, car, money, I own my own business.... This goes a long way. I ask every girl I date about some of the gems they meet and you wouldn't believe how many single dudes are a mess.

Don't get me wrong I'm surprised how well this is going. I'm very picky about looks and don't want to settle so I have not been with a girl that was bigger than a 6. I swear I'm not vane but I was married to someone who let themselves go and it just ruined our quality of life (so says the fat guy!).

Re: A Million First Dates

#95

Post by singular »

Retric wrote: post #88
singular wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would be more than willing to do that, if I believed it was as much of a factor as height/looks/cocky confidence. I actually experimented with this, lost > 55lb in weight, worked really hard, and it made no difference. None. As you can imagine, motivation to do these things is not great these days.

If losing that much weight made no difference your either still significantly over weight, gained no mussel mass, aiming rather high, or something else is wrong. My honest suggestion is to remove you expectations. Spend a month responding to every profile until you start getting responses you don't have to keep going after that but you need a little signal to start. Then do some A/B testing to see what helps vs. hurt…

I looked a lot better, but there was definitely still flab.

You exclude the possibility that other factors outweighed (no pun intended) the weight issue? We're talking > 55lb, so it obviously had a major visual impact. I don't believe it should have had no impact. Maybe minor, but for it to make no difference says something about other factors I think. when I was young I wasn't overweight at all, and had exactly the same experience.

I agree that the profile is like that. You have very little time to catch somebody's attention.

Re: A Million First Dates

#96

Post by singular »

Cyranix wrote: post #90
dusing wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You should really try a pay site, OKC in my experience has just been for hookups. People are way more judgemental there. Also I would think a dating site where you could search for shorter girls would be helpful than real life, no?

I disagree utterly. There's a significant number of people looking for real relationships on OKC -- you just need to find out whether the other person is on the same page as you ASAP (profile, messages, first few dates). Thanks to OKC I went on several first dates, which led to two exclusive relationships (at different times, of course!), one of which resulted in my marriage. I also found that OKC gives greater flexi…

May I ask how tall you are? I am not trying to be facetious, just curious.

I agree that it's a numbers game, assuming you are at least vaguely viable.

Re: A Million First Dates

#97

Post by singular »

return0 wrote: post #73
singular wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I'm not. Anybody who's tried in real life as well as online, knows what an impact these factors have, especially height, irritatingly given its arbitrariness in western society. I spent months trying online, have tried in real life, parties, bars, you name it for years. I am actually pretty good socially. Believe me, this is not for want of trying. I am not willing to join random clubs to try to meet women, as my…

Please don't buy into the evolutionary psychology BS. Human relationships are mostly defined by cultural norms, not genetics, or else short people would have been selected out millions of years ago. Women incorporate the same things that all of us do, our culture: imaginary (and largely delusional) hollywood fantasies about ideal romances. The truth is both men and women are equally lost in the dating game when indiv…

I'm not so sure, a woman desiring a strong man to protect them sounds pretty evolutionary. Isn't the whole pick up artist thing based on exploiting such?

Re: A Million First Dates

#98

Post by singular »

mykosmos wrote: post #67
singular wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Citation required? Women might say this, but in my experience it's simply not true. Like the whole 'love yourself so others can love you' line. Which is just B.S. in my experience. Having said that, I agree confidence makes a huge difference. However, the kind of confidence women like is in my opinion an unpleasant cocky kind. And should I attempt to completely change who I am, become somebody I dislike just to fulfi…

If you're sure that women will not like you on a sexual way, they won't. As sure as if you don't belive your startup to succeed, it won't. You've made a bad image of yourself that think he can't attract women and you find lame excuses in order to not try to change. Because trying to change and to be a better version of yourself is admitting that until now you were wrong and it is exposing yourself to failure. Do you…

Sure, and the fact that many, MANY people have experienced this height-bias, and women openly admit to preferring it is entirely my imagination.

I think this 'think positively and it will be' stuff is more than a little wishful thinking.

It reminds me of the 'love yourself and then they will love you' bullshit. I know somebody who has a great job, is good looking and tall, but utterly depressed so clearly doesn't love himself, yet he constantly pulls a stream of model-quality beautiful women. Shall we neglect that case?

I am happy to admit I'm wrong. But are you? I especially recommend this video:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LwRe6tyqY8

Don't tell me, they were finding excuses not to change into the better version of themselves? Give me a break.

Re: A Million First Dates

#99

Post by singular »

jules wrote: post #66
singular wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have tried many, paid/non-paid, with same outcome. And shorter women hilariously still generally prefer >= av. height men. It seems to be a major genetic thing. I shouldn't gonzo myself into this too much, as I've decided to give up on relationships altogether, so this isn't about me finding some site that'll work (not feasible IMHO, since real life is equally impossible), but rather whether people like me are being…

Remember that dating works much like a market. There is supply and demand, and since there are about as many men as women, the supply and demand is roughly equal. But in some places this ratio is not equal. I'm not sure about dating sites, but that could be such a place. Simplifying a lot: if there are 1000 women and 2000 men then the women will date the 1000 most attractive men, and the rest have basically no chance…

Thanks, very thoughtful post, indeed I think it is a market.

My point is that there are attributes of mine which rule out women who I find at least vaguely attractive (and I'm not being picky, honestly), so perhaps I'm simply not able to compete in this market.

I wish the physical factors such as height weren't such a big factor, as that is obviously impossible to change. If I believed I could eliminate it, I'd gladly start hitting the gym hard right now. But I am so convinced that it's such a huge thing that I find it very hard to believe that'll make all that much difference.

Re: A Million First Dates

#100

Post by alecco »

redwood wrote: post #78

Does anyone else want to take a different tack here? Perhaps we need to start considering if we're entering a somewhat polyamorous age. Perhaps monogamy makes less sense today. This is a dangerous subject... it certainly isn't something I can talk to my partner about openly. But that's why I bring it up: perhaps as a society we need to start admitting that we have changed our level of expectations on what is okay for…

Polyamorous relationships are on the rise due to the age of self-centered and narcissistic people. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the nuclear family for everyone credo. But let's not fool ourselves about being more open minded. It's just the basic irrational impulse, now unrestrained.
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