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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#91

Post by Yizahi »

reactordev wrote: post #36
munificent wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.

8) War

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#92

Post by reactordev »

Yizahi wrote: post #91
reactordev wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.

8) War

But that can happen in any chapter. As horrible as it is - it’s probably the appendix or preamble. “Everything you’re about to read is due to X” warning label or something. Both as a solider in it, and as a civilian facing it. It’s awful. Maybe an asterisk on the end like they did for Roger Maris in ‘61 for beating Babe Ruth’s homer record in a single season.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#93

Post by cardiffspaceman »

jasode wrote: post #41
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

>It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's ... I think the thing we don't like to say out loud is that the "friends" we made as children and up through high school were really friends created by geographic proximity which is a shallow foundation -- rather than -- deep shared interests related to our passions. So, yes, I remember the friends I went to the U2 concert with when I was 16. What wa…

I had some friends from 1st-6th grade, then when I went to middle school, I started from scratch. The reason was I moved out of parochial Catholic school to public school. The group off friends I made starting in middle school was a little more durable when I went to college. I still have two friends from college, plus some acquaintances. And now I’m a bit older, so death is a problem for my friendships. My father passed away 10 years ago, and one of his friends had no friends left after losing my father. So I thought, I hope I am not more selective than necessary.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#94

Post by elzbardico »

malshe wrote: post #70

As much as I hate Meta and its digital properties, I have to admit Whatsapp has been instrumental in keeping me in touch with my old friends. Now whenever I travel, I make it a point to let my friends in that city know about my trip and try to meet with at least some of them.

This. I could even say that whatsapp helps me a lot with my mental health by allowing me to talk to really distant friends almost every single day. It is my small village's piazza

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#95

Post by [deleted] »

munificent wrote: post #17
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

[deleted]

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#96

Post by deepsun »

TrackerFF wrote: post #61

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry. Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once…

> during my formative years

Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think they are very different from you, that's only because the differences are more pronounced from up close.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#97

Post by 9rx »

axelpacheco wrote: post #59

There’s a lot of friends to whom I don’t talk much now and never occurred to me that they might think we’re no longer friends. This article made me aware of that, not sure if I’ll do something about it though

> never occurred to me that they might think we’re no longer friends.

Me neither and the whole idea seems inconceivable. Unless there was some kind of breakup, why would anyone think that periods of disconnect equals no longer being friends?

> not sure if I’ll do something about it though

Is there anything to do? If someone truly believes you are no longer friends then you are no longer friends. No need to beat a dead horse.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#98

Post by lotsofpulp »

devilbunny wrote: post #37
hinkley wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

The other way is that you make a commitment early and that you mold your personalities together as you grow older. Delaying marriage to “find yourself” is not always a good thing; I forget the exact term used in a very thoughtful essay on this, but it’s something like “my grandmother’s bookshelf”. By the time you’re in your mid-thirties, grandma’s bookshelf that you inherited is so important that anyone who doesn’t l…

There is a saying from my parents’ country that translates to:

Young tree branches are more flexible and able to bend than old branches, which tend to be stiffer and more prone to breaking.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#99

Post by jkmcf »

valzam wrote: post #48
windowshopping wrote: post #15

Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the majority of their closest friends from high school and college (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the years: - Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I sta…

I very much agree with all of this but do you find your friends reciprocate? Also mid 30s, I keep in touch with a few friends but arguably only 1 or 2 consistently reach out on their own.

I used to be the one who reached out to everyone. Lack of reciprocity and a general frustration led me to stop keeping in touch with most everyone, which had the obvious outcome.

OTOH, when I see these people after years, it's like no time has passed. OTOOH, in order to be friendly, I have to overcome my general annoyance with their lack of effort.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#100

Post by schwartzworld »

netsharc wrote: post #84

The article starts with: > On a warm July evening, I dove into bed and grabbed my phone, giddy and anxious. As I scrolled through TikTok, attempting to calm my nerves, a Google Calendar notification flashed on the screen: “VIDEO CALL WITH SIMONE.” > Before I could swipe the reminder away, Simone FaceTimed me. That makes me want to build a "Tinder" for rebooting relationships: select who of your friends you want to ta…

They already built the app for rebooting relationships. A few times. A lot of the enthusiasm about web2.0 sites like MySpace and Facebook came from the ability to reconnect with people from your past. If they’d kept Facebook what it was in 2007 it would still be a useful tool.
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