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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

vogue.com

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#41

Post by jasode »

silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

>It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's ...

I think the thing we don't like to say out loud is that the "friends" we made as children and up through high school were really friends created by geographic proximity which is a shallow foundation -- rather than -- deep shared interests related to our passions.

So, yes, I remember the friends I went to the U2 concert with when I was 16. What was the true basis of that friendship? Why did we all drift apart? It was inevitable because our shared interests were based on shallow things like being in the same high school, liking U2, and all of us making fun of the same teacher wearing funny clothes.

The later adult friendships that are based on founders starting a business, athletes on pro sport teams, co-workers on intense projects, etc. Those are the types of friendships formed on deeper passions that can survive future marriages, children, divorces.

Of the friends I know, none of us are interested in reconnecting with our high school friends. The later adult friendships based on professions or hobbies are more "natural" to maintain.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#42

Post by devilbunny »

neilv wrote: post #12
rendall wrote: post #3

> "But eventually, we broke away—you, to join the funny kids, a group of hilarious and friendly people who could match your unparalleled wit and high-octane energy... That is not how people actually talk in real life. > ...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally and figuratively. People really do not make other people the main character like this. "My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious onc…

Some people do talk like that. For example, the well-read humanities major analogue of "10x techbro" can effortlessly whip out a more sophisticated analysis or assessment, with better prose. And some of those will say things like that with one or more levels on top. Such as if they know the person they're talking with will get the reference or archetype, or the allusion they're making, and they're really saying somet…

This piece is in Vogue. Could have been in Elle.

Ever wonder about why articles in Sports Illustrated go off on politics? Same reason.

These writers, by and large, went to Ivy League schools. Their classmates were hired at the New York Times (serious) or Saturday Night Live (funny). They want to point out hey, I have a great vocabulary and know art and such, too. Even if I just nominally write about clothes or baseball.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#43

Post by SoftTalker »

> Can anybody hear me? Do I matter?

No, almost certainly not. This is difficult for many people to accept but once you do a lot of weight comes off your shoulders. You're no longer thinking about what you do in terms of how others perceive it, and not seeking approval or validation from them.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#44

Post by 9rx »

rendall wrote: post #31

Elderly people, particularly but not only men, suffer social isolation and loneliness. It is a social problem across the developed world. That's because people tend not to make new friends in middle age. That trend begins in the mid 20s. No matter your age, learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends. Of all ages, sexes, cultures, types. It is extremely vital to your mental and physical health.

> learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends.

The trick is having time and energy. The challenge is finding the time and energy in your mid-20s and beyond when things like your career, children, etc. come crushing down upon you, all while, at the same time, your body starts to lose is youthful vitality.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#45

Post by SoftTalker »

jasode wrote: post #41
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

>It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's ... I think the thing we don't like to say out loud is that the "friends" we made as children and up through high school were really friends created by geographic proximity which is a shallow foundation -- rather than -- deep shared interests related to our passions. So, yes, I remember the friends I went to the U2 concert with when I was 16. What wa…

Even as adults, the overwhelming factor in who your friends are is just proximity. Who do you see every day?

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#46

Post by rimunroe »

SoftTalker wrote: post #35
programmertote wrote: post #27

It's okay to lose touch with former friends (that is, to not feel guilty). This is part of life and I'm always convinced that my friends, whom I lost contact with, will understand as well. Plus, although we were friends at one point due to common interests, shared environment, etc., we grow up and apart. If chances collide, we will cross paths with some of them. During my thirties, I felt a bit guilty about not keepi…

Friendship requires proximity. Very hard to maintain a friendship or any relationship with physical distance or even just mostly disjoint social circles. Nothing to feel guilty about, it's how we work.

> Friendship requires proximity.

This is clearly false as plenty of long-term long-distance friendships exist. It does make it harder, but there's a difference between "harder" and "impossible".

I have several multi-decade friendships where we have no friends in common and either never met in person or met only a few times.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#47

Post by vjk800 »

silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

> then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc.

What is weird, from the historical perspective, is that we need to do all those.

I come from a rural village and almost all of my older relatives just continued living near where they were born (some even in their childhood homes) and having the same job their parents had (which was some kind of farming for most of them). They basically had their life figured out at the age of 20, after which they started having kids. Also, most of their friends and acquaintances are people they knew already when they were children.

If you think about it, it's not really surprising that friends get left behind when you move, change jobs, and basically everything in your life changes. If an old friend of mine used to know me at the age of 20, he doesn't know me anymore at the age of 37 since everything in my life has changed. We might not even like each other anymore.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#48

Post by valzam »

windowshopping wrote: post #15

Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the majority of their closest friends from high school and college (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the years: - Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I sta…

I very much agree with all of this but do you find your friends reciprocate? Also mid 30s, I keep in touch with a few friends but arguably only 1 or 2 consistently reach out on their own.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#49

Post by [deleted] »

SoftTalker wrote: post #39
oniony wrote: post #16

>Though I’m Kenyan by ethnicity, I grew up abroad, in the US and UK, and I’ve found that my foreign accent and perspective other me, even within my family. I had to read this sentence four times before I even considered that 'other' could be a verb!

It's not, at least not in any dictionary I've consulted. Though in context it works, I guess.

[deleted]

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#50

Post by jama211 »

SoftTalker wrote: post #39
oniony wrote: post #16

>Though I’m Kenyan by ethnicity, I grew up abroad, in the US and UK, and I’ve found that my foreign accent and perspective other me, even within my family. I had to read this sentence four times before I even considered that 'other' could be a verb!

It's not, at least not in any dictionary I've consulted. Though in context it works, I guess.

It’s slang, but I’ve heard it.
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