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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#61

Post by TrackerFF »

Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry.

Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once that changes (you graduate, switch jobs, etc.), your friendship can change.

And, of course, your other responsibilities will influence how much time you can use on people. Especially children can have a huge impact on that - kids just take up so much time, and combined with work and other things, it is really difficult to prioritize other things. It is not at all uncommon that once people get kids, they disappear for a solid 5-10 years, and will want to catch up again when things calm down.

As young adults, most people have few responsibilities, and impulsivity is high. What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff. Go on a hike, go watch a movie, go on a pub crawl? Sure, just give me 15 minutes. Book a trip to some other country? Could do that just a couple of weeks ahead.

These days you'll have to check your calendar 3 months in advance to just shoot the shit.

I think the change started when me and my friends started nearing 30 / late 20s. That's when people were really bogged down with work, met their future spouse / partner, and started focusing on self-realization (working out, hobbies, side hustles, whatever), and of course - kids.

Now that most of us are in our late 30s, things are a bit easier. Those that got kids have more spare time, as the kids have grown older. Seniority at work means they aren't giving it all for the sake of promotions. More financial freedom. Things more stable, and people can catch up again.

With that said, some days I really do miss the days of youth.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#62

Post by munificent »

selimthegrim wrote: post #28
munificent wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

Are you from New Orleans or Lafayette? Edit: holy shit I had no idea you’re from Louisiana.

Lived 10 years in St. Charles Parish, then another 4 in Baton Route.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#63

Post by munificent »

reactordev wrote: post #36
munificent wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.

I haven't reached those ones yet. :)

The upcoming one I really worry about is retirement. The statistics are grim if you look at retired men in terms of number of close friends, mental health, and suicide.

The whole "live in a high cost of living area with good jobs and then move somewhere cheaper when you retire" pipeline makes a lot of sense economically. But I worry that is disastrous when it comes to community and connection right at the time when people need it most.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#64

Post by watwut »

jasode wrote: post #41
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

>It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's ... I think the thing we don't like to say out loud is that the "friends" we made as children and up through high school were really friends created by geographic proximity which is a shallow foundation -- rather than -- deep shared interests related to our passions. So, yes, I remember the friends I went to the U2 concert with when I was 16. What wa…

Friendship to passion for sport will cease to exist once you are injured. Hobby based friendships will stop the moment you can't participate that much.

All friendships start due to proximity of some kind. But without additional effort, they all end up just temporary

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#65

Post by tharkun__ »

munificent wrote: post #17
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

    I still believe I did the right thing by leaving—the community there goes against many of my most deeply held values. But as I've gotten older
That is probably also relatively prevalent in HN circles I would presume. Especially if one was "the odd one out. "Community" is not everything. A lot of "small town" stuff and "values" aren't really only positive. Everyone knows everyone and everything about everyone? Great, right? No it's not. I prefer my relative anonymity in the overall scheme.

Nothing to look down upon. But some people just don't prefer that sort of "the community dictates your life" environment, while others may thrive in it.

Like, think, Sheldon Cooper if he had stayed in Texas. That weirdo atheist in a small Texas town? Not fun.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#66

Post by reactordev »

munificent wrote: post #63
reactordev wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.

I haven't reached those ones yet. :) The upcoming one I really worry about is retirement. The statistics are grim if you look at retired men in terms of number of close friends, mental health, and suicide. The whole "live in a high cost of living area with good jobs and then move somewhere cheaper when you retire" pipeline makes a lot of sense economically. But I worry that is disastrous when it comes to community an…

Oh it is however, most of your neighbors will be in that very same boat so to speak so really it’s up to you to get outside.

Also retirement plans go out the window if you hit milestone 5. By the end of milestone 6 (if you make it) will be just a cabin in the woods with a dog, because that’s all you can afford.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#67

Post by selimthegrim »

munificent wrote: post #62
selimthegrim wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you from New Orleans or Lafayette? Edit: holy shit I had no idea you’re from Louisiana.

Lived 10 years in St. Charles Parish, then another 4 in Baton Route.

If you ever come to New Orleans, I’m sure the Tuesday night tech meetups would love to have you

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#68

Post by brookst »

reactordev wrote: post #36
munificent wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

5) Divorce 6) Rebuilding post divorce. 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.

5.5) Layoffs

6.5) Layoffs

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#69

Post by toomuchtodo »

hinkley wrote: post #10
avereveard wrote: post #5

Life Transitions 4 Lack of mutual effort 4 Diverging values 3 Miscommunication 2.5 Geographic distance 2.5 Emotional disengagement 2 (Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the target demo)

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

~43% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~73% third marriages. Roughly half of all children will see their parents’ marriage end or them separate (per the CDC). Frankly, I think people should date, love, coparent, etc, but not get married.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#70

Post by malshe »

As much as I hate Meta and its digital properties, I have to admit Whatsapp has been instrumental in keeping me in touch with my old friends. Now whenever I travel, I make it a point to let my friends in that city know about my trip and try to meet with at least some of them.
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