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Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

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Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#271

Post by MobileVet »

afpx wrote: post #230

This is cathartic. Thanks. ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a home that didn’t have half of an exterior wall, and we only had a kerosene heater. Often, there was no electric. We originally didn’t have plumbing except for an outhouse (luckily a federal program forced a corrupt contractor to tack on a shoddy bathroom to the…

You are seen and heard. Please do reach out to 988 or similar for help. No one should go through this alone or doubting that they are loved and worthy. You are both.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#272

Post by doright »

fortyseven wrote: post #76
elric wrote: post #71

I started writing a reply about my childhood. But then I realized I would be sharing more than I'm comfortable sharing in public, I don't even feel comfortable creating a throwaway account to discuss this stuff.

Opsec awareness is brutal on public socialization.

Yeah I think about this a lot. How much unspoken personal trauma lurks beneath anger online. When someone is angry at something anything could be a root cause but it isnt appropriate for onlookers to speculate or authors to be too open about, so it passes unnoticed. I feel all that tends to be absorbed in a two-steps-removed way through sensationalist headlines and related screeds and we don't think about the origins. Of course I can only speculate if this is true so it is no wonder we don't. The old adage is "their anger is about them not you" but although I lean towards this explanation it sounds like a necessary assumption sometimes.

I saw a comment from a foster parent that said we would find a cure for cancer before we find a cure for childhood trauma.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#273

Post by taurath »

ninetyninenine wrote: post #163
taurath wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Maybe some trauma really is needed in your childhood to produce more drive. No. You’re missing the people who don’t post on here, which are those who have died, those who are suffering too much to spend time here. This is a high privilege forum on average, and that there are success stories doesn’t mean it’s somehow good. Ask any one of us what we thought we could have achieved with a supportive “good enough” child…

>No. You’re missing the people who don’t post on here, which are those who have died, those who are suffering too much to spend time here. This is a high privilege forum on average, and that there are success stories doesn’t mean it’s somehow good. Ask any one of us what we thought we could have achieved with a supportive “good enough” childhood and often you’ll get tears. So you say. I still want data to back that u…

I’m going to have to ask you to google it or have GPT summarize it for you as it’s readily available.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#274

Post by bradlys »

dw_arthur wrote: post #122
bradlys wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. I’m facially ugly.

Get plastic surgery if your desire to find a partner is this great.

I’ve already had it and am planning more. It’s not sufficient. Some of us are born with faces that western doctors cannot figure out how to fix.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#275

Post by MichaelZuo »

brightball wrote: post #261
MichaelZuo wrote: post #246

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you respond to the wrong comment? My question was trying to expand on what the linked article already says.

Perhaps I misread your comment? It looked like you were associating ACE with a gifted indication. My mistake.

I wasn’t associating ‘ACE’ with anything, it’s the other way around…

i.e. How do we know that anyone, associating any ‘ACE score’, with those far away from the average, is valid? as opposed to random conjecture?

I have no opinions on whether any ‘association’ exists at all or not, but clearly at least a few dozen do, hence me asking the question.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#276

Post by afpx »

codr7 wrote: post #238
afpx wrote: post #230

This is cathartic. Thanks. ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a home that didn’t have half of an exterior wall, and we only had a kerosene heater. Often, there was no electric. We originally didn’t have plumbing except for an outhouse (luckily a federal program forced a corrupt contractor to tack on a shoddy bathroom to the…

You'll figure it out, sometimes doing nothing is exactly what is needed. Look around you, lack of direction and medication/distraction is everywhere, and unfortunately suicide. I would never judge anyone for wanting an easy out. But I do feel its missing the point of the experience. What is your passion? What makes you excited/happy?

Yeah, I'll definitely figure it out. I'm actually a fairly positive person. It's just that the brain chemicals distort my thinking, unfortunately. I'm working on a few things, and going through exercises to retrain my brain. My main issue is lack of direction. Lately, I've been happy making generative art and building things in Blender. But, I'm not sure how to turn that into something that's useful or productive.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#277

Post by uranium »

pistoriusp wrote: post #151
ljhsiung wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hopefully this is not too tangential, but it's something that's been on my mind a bit recently. When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma? I feel that us tech workers, for all intents and purposes, have "made it," which might best position us in general to overcome and prevent a cycle of trauma to the next generation.

Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way. I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: Wh…

That's a great list; while not explicitly writing them out, we raise our kids by similar rules, and I think it's been a huge help. #1 is huge. We also explicitly answer any question they ask (barring privacy concerns). The answers vary based on how old they are, and what they're capable of understanding, but they can always ask for more detail if we guess wrong. It lets them know that there are no taboo subjects with us, and they can always come to us with their hard questions.

It did mean nuanced conversations about how not to ruin the "Santa Clause game" for other kids, etc.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#278

Post by pizzadog »

thenaturalist wrote: post #245

ACE 4, late diagnosed with ADHD at 30 years old (M33). Had a whole lot of anger about my parents and the world crammed up in me until the diagnosis. Almost every move until then has been trying to peel back the invisible onion layers of protection I built up as a child and teenager (masking, cynicism, not asking for help or showing emotions). Being blind to the coping mechanisms which you built up subconsciously but…

Don't often comment here but I just wanted to say that I feel you. ADHD was crippling for me my whole life and you really do develop a whole host of weird little layers of protection, either against yourself or against how you expect others to treat you. I'm 36 and got prescribed meds last year and it was a profound experience being able to cast off all the rituals and just... function. It is certainly frustrating to consider what one could have accomplished with this ability at, say, the age of 18 instead... but that way lies madness. At least we can build our future.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#279

Post by burnte »

ljhsiung wrote: post #135
burnte wrote: post #110

ACE of 8. Only child, single mother with psychiatric problems, absent dad with psychiatric problems, I was nearly killed by him at age 4, homeless twice before I was ten, no extended family to rely on at all. Mom died of Dementia at 65 when I was barely 30, and I took care of her starting when I was 25, giving up a great job in Boston. I'm a VP of IT in a healthcare company, my third healthcare gig with this particul…

Hopefully this is not too tangential, but it's something that's been on my mind a bit recently. When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma? I feel that us tech workers, for all intents and purposes, have "made it," which might best position us in general to overcome and prevent a cycle of trauma to the next generation.

> When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma?

No kids yet because of exactly what' you've said. I was not going to have kids until I could give them a better life, even if that means I never have them. We're actually trying now because I'm comfortable with my life and skills now.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#280

Post by nytesky »

I have a pretty modest ACE score of 2, the stories here are something else.

I am curious is having both parents with mental health challenges the common scenario? My father was depressive alcoholic who never worked in my lifetime, and as an adult I think that was more impactful than I realized as a child. My mom just had a pretty severe eating disorder but was functional adult.

I turned out fine, maybe higher anxiety than most and way way too risk adverse in every facet of life, but have a happy family and steady work and such.

My sister though has had a lifetime of depression and eating disorders, and even though has advanced degrees is living on disability since her 30s. I wonder if she had a higher ACE score, perhaps with non family members or something.

Both of us were “gifted” and valedictorian of our small school, so up to college had very similar paths.

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