Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

raptitude.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

91–100 of 146 posts

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#91

Post by eastbound »

criddell wrote: post #27
eastbound wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…

Are you saying you irritate women and it’s due to external factors over which you have no control? I would bet a good therapist or dating coach could help you.

I irritate women, it may or may not be under my control, for example if it’s due to my race then it’s not, if it’s due to societal clichés then it’s not; and for what is under my control, I have seen for about $10k of psychologists and I was never told the defect I have, probably because that would discourage me, instead they say there’s always a chance, never try never know, ask them out and blah blah blah.

I’d love if someone told me my truth, but until then, I can’t do much.

Granted I didn’t try a dating coach, I don’t know where to find them, their answers will always be “pay me $100 and believe in yourself”, and yes I’m very afraid that if I find out a dating coach helps, I’ll have lost my life for nothing, but it’s impossible to talk about it because no-one ever accepts to envision that, yes, when you reach 40 without capability to date regularly, well you’re fucked, I’d commit terrible things to make people admit that I’ve lost my life if I could,

Why can’t people accept that, yes, it’s hard, I see uglier people than me succeed, I see total losers succeed, so yes, the only artifact I see is:

I - irritate - women, they become between sarcastic and mean to me after knowing me for a few weeks.

Could even be that I don’t ask early enough, that I don’t sexualize them enough, I’m always too careful about not stalking them and ensuring they don’t feel like a bag of meat, so maybe they’re just frustrated that I don’t kiss them on the second date. I don’t know, hypothesis! but that would at least be a fair explanation that I could work on.

Instead, the only feedback I have is, that I’m selfish or whatever trait that you could judge anyone with - Let them first, I also donate to charities way more than friends, I’ve also belonged to more charities than much more of the population, I’ve also accompanied by best enemy through cancer, til he died with us playing the song he himself composed, this asshole got the most beautiful death he could imagine, I mean the accusation of selfishness or closed-mindedness doesn’t hold any cold-headed analysis.

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#92

Post by TurkishPoptart »

yboris wrote: post #33
akkad33 wrote: post #17

Is there a guide for knowing what you want?

I recommend you look at Effective Altruism . Can there be anything more-fulfilling or less regret-on-your-deathbed than helping others (while knowing you're doing it in the most effective way you can)? There are hobbies for sure, but when you spend 80,000 Hours in a career which you feel helps no one but you with your income, you might find mid-life there are more-important things. https://www.effectivealtruism.org/…

Wasn't this Sam Bankman-Fried's schtick?

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#93

Post by eastbound »

TurkishPoptart wrote: post #89
EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

CA is not a place to get laid. Go East, young man, go East and grow a pair.

What, like Boston? Way overpriced, no parking, shit weather....

The incredible thing is, this map has stayed the same for 131 years now. SF has men: https://www.jonathansoma.com/singles/#4/7/2/0

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#95

Post by patrick451 »

888666 wrote: post #76
inconceivable wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i also sold my startup to a good outcome and ran the business very profitably for years and i agree that there are some things that can not be taught - but that doesn't mean they can't be learned if you have the right mental models. at one point i was terrible at dating / women but over the years i've gotten a lot better than where i started. and yes, there are some people who are just hopeless because they refuse to…

As a woman, men who are focused on stuff like this (beyond basic physical and financial health) scare and repel me.

And what would you rather they do? Just "be themselves"? That advice is one of the primary root causes of the incel epidemic.

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#96

Post by yibg »

eastbound wrote: post #91
criddell wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you saying you irritate women and it’s due to external factors over which you have no control? I would bet a good therapist or dating coach could help you.

I irritate women, it may or may not be under my control, for example if it’s due to my race then it’s not, if it’s due to societal clichés then it’s not; and for what is under my control, I have seen for about $10k of psychologists and I was never told the defect I have, probably because that would discourage me, instead they say there’s always a chance, never try never know, ask them out and blah blah blah. I’d love…

I don’t understand your position here. You start out saying some people are blocked from success and imply your lack of success with women is an example. Then you say you don’t know if your lack of success is something you can control because no one has told you exactly what the issue is.

Is your definition of being blocked anything that doesn’t just happen by itself?

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#97

Post by robocat »

allenu wrote: post #58
eastbound wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…

It's funny because the idea of "if you didn't succeed, you didn't try hard enough" is a cornerstone of the self-help industry and the charlatans peddling various self-improvement systems. If anybody follows their system and doesn't succeed, well, they either didn't try hard enough or they really didn't follow the plan as it was laid out. It's a foolproof way to show the next sucker that your system works.

> It's funny because the idea of "if you didn't succeed, you didn't try hard enough" is a cornerstone of the self-help industry and the charlatans peddling various self-improvement systems

For example “ HOW TO IDENTIFY & REMOVE ABUNDANCE BLOCKS FOR MANIFESTATION”https://selfmadeladies.com/overcome-abuandance-blocks-faster...

An aquantance had paid for a course on manifestation: she talked a lot about “blocks” when I questioned her about what stops manifestation from working!

“Blocks” are definitely blame-the-victim e.g. “you didn’t believe strongly enough so your cancer wasn’t cured”.

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#98

Post by PaulRobinson »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #86
InCityDreams wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>My take is don't choose goals - don't try and decide on the destination of what you want. Instead, choose processes, choose a way of living that makes you happy, and make small changes right now. Completely agree, though my 'word' differs - I use 'system'. I didn't set out to lose 6kg of myself - I decide to walk more and I bought a bicycle, and I use it. The weight fell off me because of the system...choose a syste…

Okay, but what, if not promise of future returns, is making you stick to a system that's emotionally costly? For example, "walking more" or "cycling more" is definitely going to help lose weight in a gradual fashion, but the reason I am walking the amount I am and not cycling at all, is because a) I find these activities boring, and b) I have many more interesting/important (to me) things to do with that time. I can'…

What would it take for you to find walking interesting?

I didn't used to love walking, until I found a reason to.

In urban areas I looked up and started noticing things. I researched buildings, and local geography.

In rural areas, I started figuring out bird calls and breeds, started understanding the trees and flora around me.

I decided to use that time to get curious. And now, I love walking.

If you think "sure, I have this rough goal of exercising more, but it sure as heck bores me", deciding to focus on the goal just means every time you fail at doing more exercise you a) are just as far away as you were before and b) are now blaming yourself for not being disciplined enough.

How about you choose some inputs that you know roughly align to that goal, but you choose inputs that you can get motivated by?

Perhaps going to the gym bores you, so fine, don't go. Perhaps your exercise is playing sport, or swimming, or walking and exploring the World around you, or perhaps it's just getting a standing desk. Just pick something and try and it, and then if it doesn't work, think about why and what to change and try something else.

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#99

Post by barbarr »

xyzelement wrote: post #82
barbarr wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just my N=1 here, but I've actually run the self-improvement gamut and got results out of it - had a year where I went from never having held hands with a girl to sleeping around quite a bit. I think the self-improvement type of vibe tends to attract girls who are more into short term things, which leads to burnout. By this I mean, if you are a guy who looks very good/masculine, are good at flirting, etc but just are…

You sound a little nuts but I appreciate the candor! One thing you are completely missing here (and to be fair, may not be for you) is the actual benefits of a relationship - as opposed to quantifying the ego-boost of a hookup or whatever. Like, I enjoyed my slutty single says but I LOVE father's day with my two kids and wife even more :) I don't measure the "value add" that my wife brought me in units of her desire…

Yea, I guess I forgot to also mention that what I "actually actually" wanted was that sense of security, and I was looking in the wrong place for it. Though once that sense of security is there, it's possible to engage in and enjoy relationships in a "normal" way, rather than from the point of view of "gaining points" to try and acquire that sense of security.

The whole episode opened my eyes that I was not only doing this "points counting" in a dating context, but also in a friendship context, e.g. trying to find friends who reach out to me more than I reach out to them (in pursuit of a similar type of security), rather than just relaxing and enjoying the friendships in a natural way. I'd say things are much better now.

Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)

#100

Post by AnimalMuppet »

eastbound wrote: post #91
criddell wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you saying you irritate women and it’s due to external factors over which you have no control? I would bet a good therapist or dating coach could help you.

I irritate women, it may or may not be under my control, for example if it’s due to my race then it’s not, if it’s due to societal clichés then it’s not; and for what is under my control, I have seen for about $10k of psychologists and I was never told the defect I have, probably because that would discourage me, instead they say there’s always a chance, never try never know, ask them out and blah blah blah. I’d love…

Advice: Pick a woman you trust. A co-worker, a neighbor, someone who knows you. Ask her straight out: "Every time I try to date, I wind up irritating and driving off the woman I'm dating. Can you tell me why?"

Listen seriously and carefully to what she tells you. Mind you, she's not necessarily right. But she's much more likely to be right than a bunch of randos trying to diagnose you over the internet.

Post reply on HN