51–60 of 146 posts
If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Y'all heard of polyamory ? There are better models out there than staying only with one person and denying yourself the beauty of an expanded heart.
Have you found any successful configurations that last beyond 5 years? I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors. I would caution against the division of affection. At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity.
Several, in the tens of dozens.
This question keeps getting 'told at' the polygamous community.
It is true, people break up, people in polygamous relations have more breakups because - they involve more people - more people get broken up.
And yeah, it is harder: one bad seed ruins the bunch, so to speak, so poly break up happen more often, sure...
This kind of 'question' is showing preconceived notions and bigotry that all polygamous relationships are unhealthy.
>> At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity.
Some people are very anti-hierarchy, and despite your assumptions: hierarchy is not a foregone conclusion.
>> I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors
If you start off mono and bring N+1: you're going to have a bad time (more than likely). Poly doesn't fix a broken relationship, and it wasn't poly that was the problem (if poly was being proposed as a solution).
>> I would caution against the division of affection.
I would caution against withholding love from the world for hierarchical reasons.
What's the consequences of withholding affection?
A colder/harsher world.
Is there a guide for knowing what you want?
The Effective Altruism movement is very good at convincing people they want what Effective Altruists want. Figuring out what you want is really hard. I quit my job and blew my life up since other people do this to soul-search and it was my best idea.
Another way to getting what you want of course, is to think about what you really want and change that to something you can achieve almost immediately. The article alludes to this: > Do you want to be self-employed? Or do you just need some time off from your normally-tolerable day job? Do you truly want washboard abs, or just to see an energetic, healthy person in the mirror for once? And: > There can also be things…
Completely agree, though my 'word' differs - I use 'system'. I didn't set out to lose 6kg of myself - I decide to walk more and I bought a bicycle, and I use it. The weight fell off me because of the system...choose a system, not a goal.
you can't fail with a system, because it's not measureable as success or fail. Only lost 5kg in three months? Fail. Eating well and exercising will get you somewhere
Earlier quoted context omitted.
i also sold my startup to a good outcome and ran the business very profitably for years and i agree that there are some things that can not be taught - but that doesn't mean they can't be learned if you have the right mental models. at one point i was terrible at dating / women but over the years i've gotten a lot better than where i started. and yes, there are some people who are just hopeless because they refuse to…
The kind of relationship you described sounds terrible to be in. I hope this isn’t the norm.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…
i also sold my startup to a good outcome and ran the business very profitably for years and i agree that there are some things that can not be taught - but that doesn't mean they can't be learned if you have the right mental models. at one point i was terrible at dating / women but over the years i've gotten a lot better than where i started. and yes, there are some people who are just hopeless because they refuse to…
After getting burned a few times I realized that what I "wanted" was to sleep with a lot of girls, but what I "actually wanted" was to sleep with a lot of girls who want me more than I want them (i.e. an egotistical drive) - emphasis on the "want me more than I want them" part. It's an important distinction, and the fantasy is to be the guy who all the "good girls" (i.e. the relationship-oriented girls who don't easily fall for guys) fall deeply in love with and would do anything for but can't pin down, and this narrative is pursued as a goal because it provides a sense of security ("there will always be people who love me"). In reality you just attract many girls who might not even want a relationship, and that fantasy sense of security will cease to exist. Even if you do find the fabled "good girl" or if one of the short-term minded girls falls for you, you will be conditioned to be skeptical and doubtful of their long-term relationship capacity because of your experiences with the other girls, thus erasing any of the sense of security that you initially sought.
Also, in the end it seemed that the "want me more than I want them" thing was actually more important than sleeping with the girls. So when I found out that the girls I was sleeping with wanted me in a relationship capacity less than the admittedly close-to-zero amount I wanted them, it was really demoralizing, as I'd inevitably end up with this weird shitty feeling of being "just another guy" a girl slept with and it did not feel good at all. Then I realized that my behaviors probably also led girls to feel hurt in this way, and the whole exercise between the genders is kind of futile overall and people are hurting each other over something as trivial as ego and a misguided search for security.
Now I just kind of maintain the self-improvements from before, as they've added great value to my life, but I don't actively seek out dating, going to clubs, etc. I figure that if something pointing to a relationship comes about organically I will definitely be fully open to it, but it is not as much of a priority at the moment.
If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
Y'all heard of polyamory ? There are better models out there than staying only with one person and denying yourself the beauty of an expanded heart.
> Quite often a reasonable, achievable, and worthwhile desire goes unpursued because we have a simultaneous desire to not pursue it. When we say something is “impossible” or “too hard” or “not in the cards,” that’s a clue. This resonates. Many who are stuck frustrated not getting what they want have talked themselves out of trying to get it to begin with. A good another clue is 3rd party attribution. "My life is bad…
It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…
If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
That is a somewhat condescending statement, since it does not account for how your partner might change over the years.
It is clear that most people go to lengths to try and find the right partner to marry. I am sure there are exceptions, but "this first person I just ran into walking down the street will do" is not the norm. Even if the first person you ran into on the street is who you marry, there will traditionally be a vetting (i.e. dating) process first to make sure you still believe it is the right choice after closer inspection. It is safe to say that the importance of finding the right person is generally accepted as an imperative to marriage.
Will mistakes be made? Sure. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Things happen. Random chance bites everyone in some way eventually. But that doesn't mean it won't affect things.
If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
Certainly feeling this right now. I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…