Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

stan.bar

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

91–100 of 152 posts

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#91

Post by throwaway11823 »

121789 wrote: post #82
throwaway11823 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think that's more or less what happened, I don't blame them. Just demonstrating that understanding yourself and expressing yourself clearly are necessary but not sufficient to be understood and to feel seen.

Well the truth is that you didn’t express yourself effectively. My SO has done something similar, and being on the other side of an emotional text barrage feels like someone is thoughtlessly unloading their issues onto you. Get a therapist and some friends for casual “therapeutic” complaining and save any real issues you have to more appropriate mediums like a call or face to face.

I wouldn't presume to understand your relationship with your SO from a vague story, and I wouldn't presume to make proscriptions to you either. I'd ask for the same grace and courtesy from you.

The point was that, though the article suggests loneliness stems from being unable to describe your feelings simply and concisely, it is more complex than that.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#92

Post by someone11823 »

throwaway11823 wrote: post #26

Earlier today I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." I was feeling really down. They didn't respond to any of the text messages; when they got home, I asked them about it, and it seemed like they just sort of skimmed them and they didn't notice that one in particular. I didn't mention it; I just let it go. Do I "not underst…

I have gone through literally this exact same scenario. I'll send my partner texts during the day and they'll ignore them even through their lunch/breaks, or skim them and miss something important. I get to the point sometimes where I have to stop texting them, even about unrelated topics or important updates, because I know the number of texts will build up too much and when they see it they won't read any of them. As is common, my partner is dependent on me. I am her rock and the breadwinner for our family. She doesn't provide enough emotional support, I have to constantly hold back my emotional needs. Maybe she is emotionally underdeveloped. Like hell, I have to remind her to say caring things to me, and even then sometimes they don't know what to say even with a prompt. I'm curious how many of these other things you relate to or you have in common with me.

I'm also curious, does your partner have ADHD?

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#93

Post by _rs »

throwaway11823 wrote: post #26

Earlier today I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." I was feeling really down. They didn't respond to any of the text messages; when they got home, I asked them about it, and it seemed like they just sort of skimmed them and they didn't notice that one in particular. I didn't mention it; I just let it go. Do I "not underst…

I wonder if this is related to "bids for attention" in a way (see https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/) - you reaching out to your partner hoping for acknowledgement and not getting any response

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#94

Post by luisapic »

potsandpans wrote: post #60
fleddr wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"As a man, I have lots of people in my life who love me, but they consistently fail to take notice of my emotional needs." Although every man's circles are different, your experience is highly common. I'm going to intentionally dramatize a little to get the point across efficiently. Men effectively live in an emotional desert. Showing emotion, vulnerability or dependency is discouraged, dismissed or even ridiculed. M…

you lost me at the cabal of radical feminists

[dead]

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#95

Post by eande »

atoav wrote: post #10
stasbar wrote: post #2

I'm curious what do you think about this relationship between loneliness and self-understanding?

As a very language affine person with a MA in fine arts I don't agree with the step where the inability to put your inner workings into words equate a lack of self understanding. The true great art in any field other than poetry and literature lives from the fact that language cannot express everything in just words. You can of course explain or describe everything with language, but unless you are truly a great writ…

Wow, beautiful writing. You know how to use words well.

Your second last sentence “it needs to connect you to the people around you in ways that are meaningful to yourself, otherwise it will leave you empty and drained” is in my opinion a key point on this debate on longlines/communication.

As with anything in live communication, relationship, friendship needs to be a two ways street otherwise it won’t be of true value for either side or won’t work in the long run.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#96

Post by rexpop »

BirAdam wrote: post #66
fleddr wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"As a man, I have lots of people in my life who love me, but they consistently fail to take notice of my emotional needs." Although every man's circles are different, your experience is highly common. I'm going to intentionally dramatize a little to get the point across efficiently. Men effectively live in an emotional desert. Showing emotion, vulnerability or dependency is discouraged, dismissed or even ridiculed. M…

This is most likely why the vast majority of suicides are men.

But, in fact, the opposite is true: 3 out of 4 suicide attempts are by women.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#97

Post by harryha11er »

rexpop wrote: post #96
BirAdam wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is most likely why the vast majority of suicides are men.

But, in fact, the opposite is true: 3 out of 4 suicide attempts are by women.

OP talked about suicides, you talk about suicide attempts. Both of you are right, while women attempt suicide more often, men succeed at suicide more often and hence die by suicide more often (see Gender paradox: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_differences_in_suicide)

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#98

Post by throwaway223145 »

throwaway11823 wrote: post #26

Earlier today I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." I was feeling really down. They didn't respond to any of the text messages; when they got home, I asked them about it, and it seemed like they just sort of skimmed them and they didn't notice that one in particular. I didn't mention it; I just let it go. Do I "not underst…

You mentioned that you're not sure about how to improve the one-sided empathy situation with your SO. So I thought it might be helpful to share some pertinent info that I've come across on HN in the past. I feel that the article and comment discussion on the "Intentionally making close friends" post (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33774353) may offer some actionable advice. Also, see the authors other post specifically on "debugging others" (https://www.neelnanda.io/blog/30-debugging-others).

My own advice is to be direct with your SO about your needs / expectations not being met. I went through the same thing with my SO. We went to couples therapy for many years with no improvement, until eventually they realized it was serious enough of a problem to lead to the end of the relationship, prompting them to put in the necessary effort to change. Another poster mentioned Gottman "bids for attention" which is spot on as well. Both partners in the relationship need to show up for each other to provide emotional support. Some people are simply more used to receiving support and don't know how / aren't used to providing it. It should be made clear that this is unacceptable and needs to change, but also that you are willing to give it time and work with your SO to help them gradually improve their empathetic capacity so that they can be a better partner to you (and better person in general) and keep your relationship healthy.

I think it's also important to note that balance is key. You need to be mindful not to overload the other person's empathetic capacity by venting so much that they never have a chance to vent to you or to relax / recharge. If your SO is dealing with a lot of emotional distress themselves, they simply won't have bandwidth for you. We can never be perfect emotional support for each other, because each person deals with their own emotional distress / stressful events which temporarily limits their available empathetic capacity.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#99

Post by RHSman2 »

standardUser wrote: post #13

I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…

When you connect with another human who sees you, life becomes full of color.

I think a lot of our societal issues stem from not being able to connect authentically.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#100

Post by RHSman2 »

revskill wrote: post #14
standardUser wrote: post #13

I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…

In my case, humor is effective way to know if others understand u or not. You make humor (that you find it's a humor), but not all others understand it a humor.

Humor brings down walls and people allow vulnerability out.
Post reply on HN