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Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

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Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#81

Post by whstl »

bittercynic wrote: post #72
whstl wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate. I actually had a friend tell me "if you ever think of killing yourself, get in touch with me" after an acquaintance committed suicide. Well, I did have a depressive episode and got in touch for help, but got radio silence. Soon after the friendship was dead, he lost interest and couldn't hang out. Now I rely on therapy only.

I don't want to excuse your ex-friend's behavior, but I'm afraid a lot of people have no idea how to be of use to a friend who's going through such an episode. Suggestions to those who don't know what to do: Can I take you out to lunch? I found a new spot I think you might like. Want to go to and take a walk? Want to play catch? Want to come over for dinner? I was hung up for a long time because I don't know how to s…

Those are great suggestions, and they would have worked wonders for me. Thanks for doing the work of helping others.

In my case I wasn't even that in need of an ear, as I had a therapist on speed dial. I just wanted to see someone, for life to go on. The sudden distance, silence and unmade plans made me feel like a leper.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#82

Post by 121789 »

throwaway11823 wrote: post #71
kipple wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." Is it possible you buried the lede? I'm a fellow sender of long strings of text messages. I've found that not everyone appreciates my potentially sprawling/parallel communication style. They don't always have the time or capacity to pick through all my words and respond thoughtfully…

I think that's more or less what happened, I don't blame them. Just demonstrating that understanding yourself and expressing yourself clearly are necessary but not sufficient to be understood and to feel seen.

Well the truth is that you didn’t express yourself effectively. My SO has done something similar, and being on the other side of an emotional text barrage feels like someone is thoughtlessly unloading their issues onto you. Get a therapist and some friends for casual “therapeutic” complaining and save any real issues you have to more appropriate mediums like a call or face to face.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#84

Post by pxc »

This resonates with something I felt deeply as a kid and which stayed with me for a long time, into my early adulthood.

But you can't actually guarantee that others will understand you, no matter how good you become at explaining yourself. At the same time, acceptance and even connection on the basis of imperfect understanding is very much possible— connection of a kind that is still deep and meaningful, and which abates loneliness.

There is definitely some truth to OP, though. Feeling understood and correctly recognized absolutely does help with loneliness. I hope most people don't see their loneliness as a burden or personal failing, that they wouldn't have if only they were a perfect communicator.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#85

Post by mise_en_place »

121789 wrote: post #82
throwaway11823 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think that's more or less what happened, I don't blame them. Just demonstrating that understanding yourself and expressing yourself clearly are necessary but not sufficient to be understood and to feel seen.

Well the truth is that you didn’t express yourself effectively. My SO has done something similar, and being on the other side of an emotional text barrage feels like someone is thoughtlessly unloading their issues onto you. Get a therapist and some friends for casual “therapeutic” complaining and save any real issues you have to more appropriate mediums like a call or face to face.

I was going to chime in with the same advice. It’s difficult to respond to walls of text. My cousin is notorious for sending these kinds of walls of text and it is impossible to parse correctly and quickly. Text isn’t a great medium for that, in person or a call would be better suited for it.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#86

Post by cat_plus_plus »

throwaway11823 wrote: post #26

Earlier today I sent my SO a long string of text messages about a problem that I was having, including one of them that said "I feel like garbage." I was feeling really down. They didn't respond to any of the text messages; when they got home, I asked them about it, and it seemed like they just sort of skimmed them and they didn't notice that one in particular. I didn't mention it; I just let it go. Do I "not underst…

It's very hard to deal with unactionable bad news. You need to be in a good place yourself, because this will bring you down with no obvious means of relief. Then you need to be free from all distractions and commitments to figure out how to respond, either by doing something or even just the kind of active listening that requires concentration and emotional commitment.

If you ask for something specific and especially something your partner will not totally hate doing, you will make it easier for them to be there for you. "Can you make me my favorite comfort food for dinner tonight?"

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#87

Post by jongjong »

I think the causality is inverted here. People who don't understand themselves will not understand others (and won't feel the need to). At the most superficial level, almost everybody is a nice guy... Dig deeper and almost nobody is.

My loneliness is a measure of other people's lack of self-understanding. I know this because I get along best with people who understand themselves. These people are more genuine because they're not caught up in the pursuit of memetic desires. There are very few such people.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#88

Post by cat_plus_plus »

standardUser wrote: post #13

I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…

You guys discuss your sexuality with your friends? This seems weird, I don't think keeping some things private means one is lonely. Of course, at some point my friends will meet my spouse, which is broaches upon the topic. But in this context, it's clear that they are not potential targets of my sexuality, so there is no tension introduced. Also, once I have a significant other, I am no longer that lonely and I am open about my sexuality with at least one person.

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#89

Post by [deleted] »

121789 wrote: post #82
throwaway11823 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think that's more or less what happened, I don't blame them. Just demonstrating that understanding yourself and expressing yourself clearly are necessary but not sufficient to be understood and to feel seen.

Well the truth is that you didn’t express yourself effectively. My SO has done something similar, and being on the other side of an emotional text barrage feels like someone is thoughtlessly unloading their issues onto you. Get a therapist and some friends for casual “therapeutic” complaining and save any real issues you have to more appropriate mediums like a call or face to face.

[deleted]

Re: Loneliness is a measure of self-understanding

#90

Post by jongjong »

standardUser wrote: post #13

I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark... > So it’s your task to make others understand you There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you . It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my…

>> You need to find people who are capable of understanding you

This is spot on. I made a comment independently which made a similar point. Also, people who are too memetic (who tend to want what other people want) tend to lack self-understanding.

Such people tend to feel uncomfortable when they hang around other people who understand themselves because it makes them question their own motives and realize that their desires were never their own to begin with.

They are not capable of figuring out the meaning of their own life so they keep trying to borrow it from others around them and the futility of this makes them feel lonely. They can never find someone who can fill that void but they can't stop looking for them.

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