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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#191

Post by kelnos »

sfusato wrote: post #46

Excellent article, but don't make having close friends part of your main goal. Once you are comfortable with who you are, do things on your own, work on new hobbies and interests, then you will attract the right people. Being confident and positive are a people magnet.

> don't make having close friends part of your main goal

Why not? If that's what you want, then, by definition, that is your goal. Sure, you might be falling prey to the XY problem, where your actual problem is that you're feeling emotionally unfulfilled, but erroneously believe that having close friendships (when you currently have few or none) will help solve that problem. But... I kinda think that's likely to be a pretty good solution.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#192

Post by kelnos »

viburnum wrote: post #82

This is way too complicated. All you have do is show up to the same place regularly to places where other people also show up regularly. School, work, dog park, gym, etc.

Showing up isn't enough. You have to engage with people, and push past mundane surface-level topics of conversation. And after that, you have to follow up and schedule time outside of whatever place/activity where you met.

I know plenty of people who go to work or a gym or whatever every day, but don't come away from it with close friendships.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#193

Post by JumpCrisscross »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

> had a bit of a revelation when I left my last job. There were very few comments from coworkers when I left

Can't remember who said this to me, but it stuck: nobody remembers congratulatory calls for a new job. But you never forget each person who reached out when you were fired or let go.

It's fun but ephemeral to celebrate. It hurts to share pain, but it’s rewarding. When I find people my gut wants to share burdens with, I listen: they became close friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#194

Post by coldtea »

>I find it hard to introspect on exactly what the internal experience of past Neel was like, but I think the core was that trying wasn’t available as a possible action. That I spent much of my life doing what felt socially conventional, normal and expected, for the role I saw myself in. And ‘go out of your way to form emotional connections’ wasn’t part of that.

The whole intro part of the post sounds a lot like ASD 1 musings, including the approach regarding the solution...

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#195

Post by JumpCrisscross »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

> a new person is going to have to knock your socks off with their personality, for you to even consider meeting up with them again

I’ve had serendipitous conversations which were just fun. Nothing knocking my socks off. Just good conversation; we share numbers and I try to remember when we’re in the same area again.

> people are busy with daily life, and far less likely to chat with strangers

Couldn’t disagree more. Not everyone wants to chat all the time. But I’ve had loads of interesting conversations with strangers at bars and restaurants, coffee shop lines, airport terminals, sports-gear shops and of course holiday destinations.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#196

Post by mjfl »

coldtea wrote: post #194

> I find it hard to introspect on exactly what the internal experience of past Neel was like, but I think the core was that trying wasn’t available as a possible action. That I spent much of my life doing what felt socially conventional, normal and expected, for the role I saw myself in. And ‘go out of your way to form emotional connections’ wasn’t part of that. The whole intro part of the post sounds a lot like ASD…

They are numbered now?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#197

Post by [deleted] »

gammabetadelta wrote: post #153
ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If you can make it easy* for the other person (by handling the approach, scheduling, etc). They'll be as willing as in uni days* That's definitely not true, or at least not my experience. Everyone I ask out to join me for various activities, has an excuse, usually busy or other plans with someone else, and they never follow up for a rain check. People over 30, even single/child-free, seem to be very busy with their…

new relationships = low commitment never ask a new friend to hang in X, where X is days away. instead just do, i'm heading to this arcade want to join? or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends. if someone cool i knew asked me to spend 2 hours with them i'd get nervous. plus, if they know that you are cool even without them they are far more likel…

[deleted]

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#198

Post by coldtea »

mjfl wrote: post #196
coldtea wrote: post #194

> I find it hard to introspect on exactly what the internal experience of past Neel was like, but I think the core was that trying wasn’t available as a possible action. That I spent much of my life doing what felt socially conventional, normal and expected, for the role I saw myself in. And ‘go out of your way to form emotional connections’ wasn’t part of that. The whole intro part of the post sounds a lot like ASD…

They are numbered now?

Yeah, three tiers, I think the old term for 1 was much better...

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#199

Post by ordu »

aeturnum wrote: post #175
ordu wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> to think of it as a skill "you are doing" instead of a mutual process that advances only at the shared pace you are getting into manipulation. A mutual process needs some coordinated actions from both sides. If I'm unable to play my part, then there will be no mutual process. I believe I understand what you are trying to say, but it is the next stage of education on "how to make friends". When you have skill to mak…

I don't know if I quite said it before - but I don't think a relationship just "succeeds" or "fails." A good relationship occupies the "right" amount of space in each person's life for that pair of people and also is, for each person, part of a larger healthier whole. There are many variables in this balancing act and we are all getting it at least a little 'wrong' all of the time. Generally, you can make any relatio…

> Sometimes relationships just don't work for either person, despite everyone's best efforts.

This "sometimes" works for me every single time. I'm 40+ and never had any friends.

> Sometimes you can find an unexpected new relationship that's less than 'friendship' but still valuable and compelling.

I never experienced this as like. All my relationships end when we stop meeting each other at work.

> If you think about it like someone did something wrong

Oh... I do not think that I did something wrong. I think I didn't do something. Systematically. I'm not sure what exactly. The article gives some hints, but I need to think it through, to be sure.

I spend my teens to figure out how to not do something wrong. I'm very good at it, I even do not need to think about it, I just do not do anything wrong. It became ingrained to such an extent, that I cannot even imagine what I can do wrong, because my mind suggests only "right" options.

> Generally, you can make any relationship closer by investing more time into it. But that means you risk getting stuck in trying to make a relationship fill a spot it won't ever fill.

Your wisdom probably very wise and useful, but only for people who already have some relationships and need to decide what to do with them next. I have no relationships and I do not believe I will, so all your advice is wasted on me.

At the same time the article we discuss gives me something to think about. Yeah, I'm vulnerable and I'm not going to risk being hurt by a careless person only to get some intimacy. I'm not going to ask people weird questions, because they can ask them back. I mean, I can deal with it, I can wriggle out of any uncomfortable question, but it is kinda unfair to them if I ask but do not answer.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#200

Post by yshklarov »

Barrin92 wrote: post #7

I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…

We're bipedal animals by nature, but not every individual is able to walk. Likewise, although we're social animal by nature, not every individual can easily form close social ties.

There are many reasons a person might struggle to make friends. For instance, some people were poorly socialized, or have some kind of early-childhood developmental trauma that makes it difficult to feel the appropriate emotions when talking to people. Others naturally have trouble with empathy and so are unable to smoothly navigate social interactions. And some just naturally aren't interested in learning about other people's lives, or in telling others about themselves. So they have to force themselves somehow.

I agree with you: these artificial systems are pathological and unpleasant. But sometimes it can seem like the only option.

My impression is that you've never struggled with any of these very basic aspects of life. Consider that not everybody's experience is the same.

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