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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#11

Post by Xcelerate »

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing so. Once someone is a close friend, I go out of my way to maintain the connection, but it’s that in-between stage of “acquaintance” where I have a hard time.

I had a bit of a revelation when I left my last job. There were very few comments from coworkers when I left. I don’t think I was disliked (hopefully?), but I don’t think anyone really considered me their friend either. Looking back I think I came across as somewhat of a NPC to coworkers. I preferred to eat lunch by myself and I only discussed the business topic at hand during meetings unless someone else brought up a personal discussion.

I wouldn’t mind to start more personal discussions, but I’m always concerned it might come across the wrong way, so the furthest I seem to get is “how was your weekend?”

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#12

Post by Enginerrrd »

nerdponx wrote: post #4

This is interesting because I have a handful of close friends, but I've never made a close friend intentionally . I suspect that even "naturally social" people might benefit from thinking about their social lives and relationships with more intention, especially as we/they get older and opportunities for random friendship development tend to wane, especially in highly-individualized Western society where people spend…

It is my experience that the most "naturally social" individuals ARE operating with a lot more intention if they let you really pick their brain, or you watch them interact with disparate groups of new people in different settings.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#13

Post by bgroat »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

I am one of these friendly extroverts.

Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy"

What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it.

There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#14

Post by adamsmith143 »

sys42590 wrote: post #3

I really like reading this article and I think it's a good start to get rid of a loner lifestyle. There's however one caveat... making close friends is quite a culture dependent topic in my opinion. Making close friends requires differerent approaches depending on the culture you're living in. Strategies that work in San Francisco may not work in Miami, Buenos Aires or Trondheim.

I think the strategy of "Go do things with the same group of people repeatedly" is quite universal.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#15

Post by Barrin92 »

altdataseller wrote: post #10
Barrin92 wrote: post #7

I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…

Some of the suggestions you offer don't really increase the chances of making close friends. Like being an open source maintainer - how is that really going to lead to close friends? Or starting a business - sure you might network more, and meet business partners, but do they really become close friends? I will say that going to a church regularly was the #1 thing that really led to lots of friends for me. Like insta…

I'm not talking about 'networking' which is a grift in the same category as all the other artificial crap, I'm talking about sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you. You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family.

And being involved in an OSS community around a shared project, particularly long lived ones offers the same opportunities especially for people who are physically in a place that's isolated. I know a non-trivial amount of people who found their spouse through academic and OSS communities. Work connects people.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#16

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

It's a great article, but is not the way that I have worked.

I'm a bit "spectrumish." I'd make a great hermit. I don't really find a need to have close relationships.

One thing that I've found in any relationship, is that a "power dynamic" changes things a lot. Most romantic or working relationships have a "power dynamic," where one party has some kind of leverage over the other, or that one party gets more from the the relationship, than the other.

This isn't necessarily bad (after all, we get married and have families all the time), but I feel that it adds a different "color" to the relationship.

Most of my closest (male) friends are ones that I don't have a "power dynamic" with. We usually have drastically different vocations, and don't really need each other. We generally have common interests (I suggest that volunteer work is a great thing), but find each other's company enriching and interesting.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#18

Post by nerdponx »

Enginerrrd wrote: post #12
nerdponx wrote: post #4

This is interesting because I have a handful of close friends, but I've never made a close friend intentionally . I suspect that even "naturally social" people might benefit from thinking about their social lives and relationships with more intention, especially as we/they get older and opportunities for random friendship development tend to wane, especially in highly-individualized Western society where people spend…

It is my experience that the most "naturally social" individuals ARE operating with a lot more intention if they let you really pick their brain, or you watch them interact with disparate groups of new people in different settings.

Maybe it depends on what we mean by "naturally social".

I tend to be gregarious and outgoing in most situations, but I also am very much an introvert in that I find it tiring to keep up for a long period of time. I find that I lack the social stamina to maintain and tighten connections with new people I meet. So my natural tendency is to have a large number of loose acquaintances and a very small number of close friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#19

Post by micromacrofoot »

Barrin92 wrote: post #7

I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…

I don't think your experience translates well to everyone, hence the need for different methods.

I'm active in my community, politically active, have started and sold a business in the past, etc... and all I have are acquaintances. I don't think anyone outside of my immediate family even knows when my birthday is or how old I am.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#20

Post by moralestapia »

bgroat wrote: post #13
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where:

1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate)

2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing)

3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others)

The fact that you've got the results you mention here shows that you live in a community with mentally healthy, although isolated, individuals. You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I used to make fun of this but it's not an easy thing to swallow and can get you quite depressed.

The "loneliness epidemic" is just a reflection of the eroded values and misplaced goals that are now commonplace around the world.

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