171–180 of 323 posts
People like questions. It allows them to talk about their favorite topic: themselves.
Don't read that as selfish, it isn't. It's just the realization that any interest beyond the superficial is surprising to people. It's sadly very unusual.
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I like the straightforward, logical approach -- it's helpful for me to think about the process in those terms. Thank you. However, thinking about the process this way makes it really apparent that I've got no desire in trying to make friends -- each of those steps individually feels like a nearly insurmountable nightmare for me... much less doing all of them (and more than once!).
And that's kind of my point. The little bit you know about me from this thread... would you want to grab a beer if all you had to do was read the text and confirm you were available? These steps ARE scary for some people... and that's okay... I'm happy to do it. I just want to get to you know you!
I'd probably choose not to grab a beer -- unless the social cost/effort in saying no was higher than saying yes. Quite likely I'd feel put upon with having to respond in a way that I thought didn't offend you...and all by pithy text messages. What a hassle!
Totally get that's a me problem though and I'd fall into your 70%.
Thanks for the insights though -- I find the concept of friendship fascinating (if perplexing).
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I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…
>1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm…
Fuck me. I can't even imagine this is a thing in the real world. It sounds like trying to make friends in the YouTube comments section.
IMO this is the #1 takeaway: > I was trapped in a ‘normal’ mode of conversation - making small talk, being inoffensive, feeling aversion to being weird, respecting where I thought other people’s boundaries were. If you want something else, you gotta let others know somehow! Everyone's life is different and has differently shaped spaces for relationships, interaction, etc. It's very common for people to be open to gro…
> to think of it as a skill "you are doing" instead of a mutual process that advances only at the shared pace you are getting into manipulation. A mutual process needs some coordinated actions from both sides. If I'm unable to play my part, then there will be no mutual process. I believe I understand what you are trying to say, but it is the next stage of education on "how to make friends". When you have skill to mak…
Generally, you can make any relationship closer by investing more time into it. But that means you risk getting stuck in trying to make a relationship fill a spot it won't ever fill. Often, that relationship will be "better" if you can accept less intimacy and hold it less tightly. There are people who can be extremely important to us, even if we can't take too much intimacy.
> Several times different people tried to make friends with me, I tried to be open for it, and it didn't work out.
Yah! Of course! This is always possible. Sometimes relationships just don't work for either person, despite everyone's best efforts. In those situations, the kindest thing we can do is gently invest less energy into the dynamic. Sometimes you can find an unexpected new relationship that's less than 'friendship' but still valuable and compelling. If you think about it like someone did something wrong, it's becomes more discouraging than it has to be.
I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…
Not a social expert here, but that isn't a bad start! Sure, it's a bit small-talk-y, but it can open up more interesting conversation topics. Assuming the person you're talking to give you more than just "oh, it was fine", anyway.
You can also modify it to "did you do anything interesting over the weekend?" And then if they say something specific, you can follow up with deeper questions about what they tell you they did, and go from there.
I get that it's hard, though. I considered myself an "extroverted introvert" (and even an "introverted extrovert", on my more socially-energetic days), though pandemic isolation has weakened the extrovert part. I often feel like asking deeper follow-up questions is intrusive and somehow bothersome, but I think the first step is to just make yourself not care, and ask anyway. Listen to how the person responds, and you should be able to get an idea if they do want to talk more about it, or if they'd rather not. If not, you can slow down and disengage. But if they do, then that's a good sign to continue.
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> You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I live in Ecuador, so third-world. The people here are not really after money, unless it's very easy to get. I mean, 30% of the "economy" here involves standing in the road with a mango…
Ecuador has no-cost public healthcare. The US does't. Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.
Oh god.
They are:
• Proximity: You're around each other regularly.
• Unplanned interactions: You see each other even without putting an appointment on a calendar.
• Privacy: You're in a space where you can exchange confidences."
See https://www.businessinsider.com/things-that-help-people-make...