I feel lucky. My 19 year old is still hanging around, socializing with his parents. I know it won’t last forever, but we’ve stretched it. And it’s lovely.
75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
251–260 of 479 posts
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#252Earlier quoted context omitted.
> never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent) Why does this matter?
Just my own observation, but all the kids I remember that cursed a lot weren't very good at English. Not sure if it is correlation or causation, but who needs to find the right word to express yourself, when "fuck" or "shit" almost certainly fit the bill? Maybe people who curse poetically are even better at English than non-cursers, but that probably comes with age and isn't relevant to advice about children.
My anecdata is similar, but rather: the little kids I know who curse a lot and openly, have terrible manners overall. Talking nasty to grownups (and other kids), etc.
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#253This is very true. I was not able to put the year, but now I have a feeling the year is, yes, indeed, 12.
I have a 13-year-old daughter, and I have felt the massive distance since she turned 13. I have been working remotely (pretty much) since the early 2000s, so I'm usually at home. So, I have spent a lot of time together with my daughter. I have gone through the usual tea parties, kitty picnics/parties, park-walks, pretend ghost/monster hunts, dances, singing/karaoke, etc. Well, I became pretty knowledgeable about K-pops, BTS, and Katty Perries, and I have even listened to Justin Bieber in the car. She also used to accompany me on several business visits to experience the "offices."
Now at 13+, she is more of "leave me alone" and "stick it on a sticky," except for the occasional burst about random pop-culture discussions. I've played Roblox, listened to a few new-age musics, and learned new jargon to keep up. She can go detailed and explain a few key topics, and then I have to spend time reading up to be able to communicate later on.
Otherwise, the talks and the discussions have become rather clinical, grown-up conversation-y. Yes, I miss when I had to wake up on quite a few mornings to prepare for the toys that have walked across the room, holiday gifts pulled in by the gang of stuffed animals.
Anyway, I have a 5-year-old now, and I'm repeating the activities.
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#254One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…
I enjoy being a parent but my advice to people who ask if they should have kids is that you really have to want to have kids because all the benefits are intangible and all the drawbacks are tangible. People who say they don't want kids, usually mean it - whether they've identified their real reason or not.
> all the benefits are intangible and all the drawbacks are tangible.
That's quite well-said. I've heard it expressed many different ways but this one I think I'll appropriate :)
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#255One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…
I think the main thing that informs me personally is that I didn't enjoy spending time with my parents when I was a kid. I imagine those who want kids must have had a more positive kind of childhood experience and relationship with their parents.
In my experience this isn't true at all. Having kids really is a blank slate and it's up to you to decide how you want to raise yours. I do a lot of things different than my parents did to me, including being more thoughtful about being a good friend, not just their parents.
I didn't have the best experience with my parents either. Not that I hated them but they never felt like friends to me. My kids will decide how they feel about me when they get older but I'll do everything in my power to let them know that I'm genuinely interested in being friends with them.
I'm sorry you didn't have good memories with your parents but I came here to say that this should not be an excuse to not having kids if that's something that you're considering.
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#256One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…
Hey just wanted to say that I really appreciate this comment and it's an opinion I haven't seen shared before even though in hindsight it's obvious. I personally have chosen not to have kids - one reason is doomer level but the other is time and independence. I have a dog that is a relatively (to kids) minor responsibility but in my day to day life feels like the biggest responsibility, I compare that to having a kid…
I have a dog. I totally thought having a kid would be like having a dog. In the sense that I do a bunch of shit with my dog that I don't necessarily want to do and she is often a burden to things I want to do (mainly travel) but, in aggregate, is worth it. And if having a kid was that negative shit multiplied by some large x with similar or even higher positives, it would be a huge no go. Happily I got the dog a month before I got pregnant.
And it is not the same at all. So many things I do for my dog I do out of obligation. I do not often want to walk her. Once I'm walking her or going to the dog park or whatever, I have a nice time but I don't naturally WANT to do it.
In contrast, I want, like actively WANT, to do all sorts of absurdly unpleasant things for my eight month old. And society is set up to bring kids to all sorts of activities my dog can't go to --- despite my pup being sig more pleasant to have out and about than my baby.
I will say I think a sig portion is hormonal. I would say having a kid was a genuine metamorphosis for me. In contrast, I think my husband had more of a dog-like sense of obligation and is only recently enjoying the kid.
As sexist as it may sound, I'd suggest most women who are financially stable with good partners to have at least one kid because I am shocked, utterly shocked, by the fundamental shift in self I've experienced and, frankly, it's cool. Life is short. It's a cool, unique experience worth having.
But men? Unless they actively want kids, I'd suggest staying away from it --- the sacrifice to their relationships, lives, etc. seems sig harder to bear since they don't seem to have quite the same hit to their hormones. As my husband says, I take care of baby and he takes care of me. Who takes care of him? I try but baby comes first. That's a hard hit for a man not excited for kids (thankfully my husband is and remains so).
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#257And during that time that they're 12 or younger: - Read to your young children regularly. Ideally, every day. This is something my father did with me when I was very young and I can't express how wonderful it was. - Remember that you're setting the example for them -- make it a good example. 2 specific examples that I always observed: never use profanity (even saying 'crap' was very infrequent), and never let your ki…
> Remember that you're setting the example for them
I just started hitting the gym (very frequently and very painfully) when I realized that my teen/pre-teen kids did not see me just as "Daddy sits in front of his computer all day because he's smart and his job is important" but also "Daddy sits in front of his computer because he's unhealthy and not in shape."
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#258One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…
You know what’s kind of weird? …When people say they can’t do any of their own hobbies because they have kids. I get it if you’re into kinky or extremely dangerous hobbies BUT… - I’ve always shared my hobbies with my kids. When I was really into making music, I gave my toddler at first Toca Music and then eventually their own iPad with GarageBand and we would just make songs together. - When I wrote apps, I taught th…
I agree but sadly my 3 year old isn't able to rock climb, and he's a danger to himself in a room with free weights (much less actual plates), so I think I may just have to pick up additional hobbies.
Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#259One of the things I have a hard time conveying to non-parents is that the most time-intensive parts of parenting don't last forever. I've talked to a lot of young people who say they don't want kids because they think their personal lives will permanently halt the moment they have kids. I spend a lot of time trying to explain that: 1) I still spend a lot of time with friends and can do most of my personal hobbies/act…
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Re: 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12
#260Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't think I'm necessarily having the same experience as you.... my advice to people who aren't sure if they want kids, is DON'T. It's bloody hard, you sacrifice A LOT. Don't have kids unless you're very sure it's what you want. I have 2 kids under 6 and I feel like I just don't have any time for any of my hobbies any more. I leave for work first thing, come home in the afternoon, and haven't had any time for myse…
> until the kids are down at 7.30 Yours sleep at 7:30?! How do you not consider that to be literally oceans of free time? That said, yeah, you give up the whole evenings spent trying to solve some problem, but honestly, I don’t think that, on my deathbed, I’ll ever regret that I didn’t get to solve problem x 30 years ago. What I’m almost positive I’ll look back on very fondly though is every evening spent going in th…
The kids being down at 730/19:30 doesn’t mean everything is done:
Laundry, cleaning after dinner, tidying up, ordering groceries/making shopping lists, actually doing groceries, fixing something in/at house/car/garden, taking out trash(diapers), paper/plastic, researching which child seat to buy when they get bigger, parent/teacher sessions. This when you are lucky. Maybe even preparation for work or study is needed still. Etcetera.
Just to point out that free time and therefore a moment for yourself doesn’t automatically start the moment kids are at bed.