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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#701

Post by Stalecelin »

actfrench wrote: post #571
krmboya wrote: post #397

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In non-western cultures, the primary goal of 'dating', if you can call it that is marriage, and the primary goal of marriage is to have kids.

Thank you! It is really strange to me that a woman talking about dating as a means to find a partner and children is such a "turn-off" and expresses "an ulterior motive" I guess in some circles it's only acceptable to think about dating as a means to have sex? Very odd.

Because in most non-Western countries it’s assumed that even a marriage solely meant for making children will never dissolve. Let alone the western divorce courts which are prone to leaving the man with no real access to their kids and 18 years of financial obligation to a woman who hates him. Divorce is how vast majority of western marriages end up in our modern times.

If you don’t internalise this simple reality you will not understand why those men behave towards you the way they do.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#702

Post by mgdlbp »

hnu0847 wrote: post #696
mgdlbp wrote: post #394

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The HN meetups are still happening, right?

There are HN meetups? Do you have more information on this?

I've only seen the posts about them on HN--see these searches for context.[1] There was a flurry of submissions announcing them around ten years ago that quickly tapered off. The original DC group looks dead, and the much-praised HNLondon dissolved as well.

Most were organized using Meetup.com, and today, the site's 'Hacker News' topic lists a number of groups around the world.[2] Also relatively recent is this 2019 submission of a list of groups that has some meta discussion.[3] Raised there is a salient question: What, really, distinguishes an HN meetup from any other tech meetup?

[1] https://hn.algolia.com/?query=hn%20meetup&prefix=true & https://hn.algolia.com/?query=hacker%20news%20meetup&prefix=...

[2] https://www.meetup.com/topics/hacker-news/

[3] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19264764

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#703

Post by electricneuron »

I don't have answers, seems to me you're doing everything that should be done. I do have questions that you need to consider

1. Are you having trouble getting dates? (Is the problem that you're not meeting enough people?) 2. If you're meeting enough people, why are the dates going sour? Are you leaving the men or are the men not interested? 3. If the men are leaving, it's probably a good idea to ask for an honest feedback from some of them. 4. If you're leaving them, it's a good idea to understand what exactly is it that you don't find great about them?

In my opinion. If you have a long checklist, it'll be very difficult to find someone. There are only a few things that you should look for.

1. Is He Kind to me? 2. Do I find him attractive? 3. Does he have any visible mental health issue (Anger, Depression, or Crippling Anxiety)

If these things are Ok, rest everything falls in place.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#704

Post by actfrench »

throw220702 wrote: post #698
actfrench wrote: post #697

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a really good question and one people asked me over and over. The reason I didn’t go into it more is because when I wrote this post, I was more curious about discovering strategies or hacks others had personally used to find their partner, especially after initially failing. This is one of the most foreword-thinking, creating online communities solving some of the worlds biggest problems on a global scale. I…

I'm again impressed by your engagement. I understand why you wanted the focus to be more generic. That's not how I or most other problem solvers I know approach solving problems. Certainly, one could write out a general theory of optimal mate selection that you would be able to apply to yourself without further back and forth. Crafting such a theory is several orders of magnitude more difficult than searching for a p…

“ I understand why you wanted the focus to be more generic.” Actually I wanted the focus to be more specific- on how individuals had solved this problem for themselves, rather than on giving me generic advice.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#705

Post by actfrench »

planarhobbit wrote: post #642

After reading all the commentary I can’t help but feel HN got baited to shower a narcissist with compliments. I wish more people would just pile the OP’s answers and read before responding to any individual thread. Well done lads, well done.

Funny you should say that.

Both men and women offered good advice and words of encouragement, but somehow I can only focus on the negative.

This is the first time I’ve been called a narcissist, but I’ll certainly ask my therapist and friends if that’s something I need to work on.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#706

Post by actfrench »

antisthenes wrote: post #271

It's pretty apparent to me what the problem is here and it's already been voiced in countless posts here by other men. So, since you asked for encouragement only, I highly encourage you to get some cats to keep you company as you age.

Thanks for the feedback.

I’m allergic to cats, but I know they can make good companions to women and men.

The main alternative I’m considering is an intentional community, which I’ve found can be really fulfilling and more sustainable ecologically than living alone.

But I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your heartfelt advice.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#707

Post by throw220702 »

actfrench wrote: post #704
throw220702 wrote: post #698

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm again impressed by your engagement. I understand why you wanted the focus to be more generic. That's not how I or most other problem solvers I know approach solving problems. Certainly, one could write out a general theory of optimal mate selection that you would be able to apply to yourself without further back and forth. Crafting such a theory is several orders of magnitude more difficult than searching for a p…

“ I understand why you wanted the focus to be more generic.” Actually I wanted the focus to be more specific- on how individuals had solved this problem for themselves, rather than on giving me generic advice.

Huh! That makes sense. And is also confusing. It’s not problem solving; it’s reading stories from which you might glean some combination of hope and a technique or two to mimic.

If I wanted to solicit stories like that, I’d tend to post on Reddit rather than HN and ask something like, “How did those of you who went on dozens or even a hundred dates with little success find a life partner?”

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#708

Post by shemtay »

marrgTA wrote: post #531
ostenning wrote: post #443

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m sorry but I find this overly simplified psychological model of men quite demeaning. Sure you will find men who do fit this model, but why the hell would you want to? You are essentially asking op to change who she is to fit into an outdated model of the world. Moreover the person she finds will likely be completely incompatible for her and even abusive toward her. This is bad advice

Thanks for the feedback! The 3Ps model comes from Gilmore's 1991 book Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity . It's a dense read and very well researched. The 3Ps comes out of the studies on male honor and that culture and how they are all linked together. Very few societies do not have male honor cultures. And yes, not all males participate in their honor culture, but as a consequence they are not c…

Interesting! Any knowledge of a corresponding female social phenomenon being similarly characterized?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#709

Post by actfrench »

AmandaMTroxel wrote: post #695

Hi love, I want to honor your for never giving up on one of your heart's deepest desires. I can only imagine the discouragement you're feeling but you're still here asking for support/guidance. From what I'm gathering from your post, the BEST love hack I could possibly offer is going to be something that might seem counterproductive, but hear me out. I know you're 41 and I know your biological clock is ticking and I'…

Thanks so much Amanda. I was starting to feel really discouraged especially after reading most of the comments on this post. But yours gave me hope. And it's nice to hear from someone who seems to understand my POV a little better than most. It was helpful and insightful. Thank you.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#710

Post by actfrench »

jmpman wrote: post #243

I’m going to provide you with some horrible advice. Please don’t take it. Date married men. There are a huge number of married men in my social group who want to have kids, but their spouse is unable or unwilling. These men sound just as forlorn as you. One finally divorced his wife and is engaged to a woman with two young sons. I’ve never seen him as happy. I’d estimate that 10% of my married male friends are in thi…

I appreciate you thinking outside the box. Usually I think of being attracted to a married man as being attracted to someone unavailable. I would be wary about doing this as I wouldn't want to hurt another woman. However, I think that there can be a nice compromise where I make friends with more men, perhaps some of whom are married, if their wife knows about it. I do think that a lot of marriages are unhappy, which is why being selective isn't such a bad thing. It's better to be single than stuck in an unhappy relationship, in my point of view. Thanks again for thinking outside the box. And the way you phrased things made me smile.
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