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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#421

Post by pcthrowaway »

_tom_ wrote: post #368
actfrench wrote: post #320

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !

Ok, don't take this wrong. I'm rooting for you. But there's the red flag. He said something that's a common expression, "taken", which is used for both men and women. It was clearly intended to be a compliment. You chose an unlikely interpretation that clearly didn't match intent or common usage and decided to get offended about it. After all your self description, I was wondering "how is she single?" Right there, no…

> Someone that is looking HARD for ways to be offended is not relationship material.

Relationship material is subjective, and this is a really insensitive way to say you don't think you'd be compatible with them (some might say insensitivity makes someone "not relationship material")

For what it's worth, I'm a man and I understand why that language is off-putting to women. Also more interested in women who are more interested in being the taker than the takee, but I'm weird like that, I think gender scripts have most men seeking women looking for partners to take a more passive role (at least in some regards)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#422

Post by rich_sasha »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata.

I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined a government expert panel, really nailing it.

The one thing she doesn't have time for is me. I'm just there, right? But between work, always keeping an eye for new, better jobs, taking the kids to ever more elaborate activities, I'm the washing machine of the relationship: it's essential that it's there, if it makes a funny noise you better fix it, but when it's just fine you don't think about it for 2 mins. She also doesn't seem to even acknowledge that there is a tradeoff made.

Tbh, and my wife isn't on HN, if not for the kids, I'd be well gone by now. For the kids, and the kids alone, I feel at least for now it's worth sticking to it.

So, long intro done, I'd now be very, very wary of people who have long and detailed expectations of life. It's not like I'm unambitious, underachieving or slouching on the sofa. But my expectations of life is more like, strive to be happy and do interesting, meaningful things. A career for the sake of career, for example, isn't on it.

The thing is, we are bombarded left right and centre (and women perhaps more so) with propaganda that this is the only way. If you're not aiming for a top career, doing 2 sports, yoga, learning Mandarin, focusing on yourself, oh and don't forget mindfulness, then you're cave-dwelling troglodyte. Thing is, that might just not leave space for an actual relationship, or at least sound that way.

I've heard this attitude labelled in certain circles as "men being afraid/threatened by modern women", but it's not that. It's about finding someone who want to genuinely make space for another person in their life, give something and get something. That is at odds with the widely acclaimed approach that life is there to take take take from.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#423

Post by pcthrowaway »

abraxas wrote: post #121
actfrench wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you for reaching out.

Not sure it’s a good idea to post your personal coordinates on a public forum on a dating thread even in this “obfuscated” format. You’ll probably get some unwelcome attention or at least get spambot subscribed to “newsletters” and “offers” by random web scrapers.

Yeah, I agree, bad idea. HN doesn't let users edit comments beyond a certain date, but perhaps the mods can scrub it for her if she decides to.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#425

Post by aliswe »

actfrench wrote: post #286
klipt wrote: post #236

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger). > The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In con…

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children. I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

You seem a little obnoxious!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#426

Post by aliswe »

rich_sasha wrote: post #422
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata. I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined…

Live life with no regrets my friend. Also, what do you think your kids would have you do, were they grownups?

Also, maybe your wife needs the reality check?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#427

Post by petre »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Maybe she wants to rule out potentialy abusive partners this way. Someone who isn't sensible enough to mention such things on a first date raises too many flags. The fertility questions are already in abusive language territory even if they're well intended.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#428

Post by xiphias2 »

throwayyy wrote: post #373
actfrench wrote: post #250

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for sharing your article ! Looking forward to reading it! And thank you even more for taking the time to share your advice with me. Your time is precious and the fact you’d take time for me who you don’t even know means a lot. So…. With regards to your first point, I am definitely a weirdo and proud of it! One of my favorite teachers says, “weird is wonderful !” Who else but a bonafide weirdo would post such a…

I used "picky" in another reply and I apologize since this is obviously a sensitive subject and you're right that it's not the most generous word choice. That said, I think you do need to find a balance. Using your CTO example: if you only interview a single person, you're certainly not selective enough. But if you spend over a year and interview 100+ qualified candidates and still haven't found a mutual fit, then ye…

You don't have to apologize for the word picky, I can easily say words like that with friends without them being triggered, similarly to the word ,,taken'' in another thread.

It's an expression that has been used for a long time, and I don't even see that much difference between the word picky and selective (maybe because I'm not native English speaker, but in my language they are translated the same).

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#429

Post by rich_sasha »

aliswe wrote: post #426
rich_sasha wrote: post #422

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata. I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined…

Live life with no regrets my friend. Also, what do you think your kids would have you do, were they grownups? Also, maybe your wife needs the reality check?

I love my kids without bounds, they are best served by two parents right now. The logistics of separated parent childcare, for now, outweigh the daily dredge of being a washing machine.

As for later, who knows. Somewhere between the age of 0 and 30, you don't need your parents to hold your hand when you have a nightmare, when that time comes I'll think again.

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