Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

351–360 of 741 posts

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#351

Post by etamatem »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

I find women who cannot provide for themselves unattractive.

I was brought up by 2 working parents and all my siblings are working professionals; I expect my partner to "pull her weight". Damsel's in distress are a huge turn-off for me,and having that imbalance feels icky and transactional on some level - to me.

But I know men who exclusively date women with lower academic qualifications than them, because they want that income gradient/clear pecking-order.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#352

Post by em-bee »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

i don't identify with this at all, but keep in mind, HN is not your average demographic. a lot of people here earn a lot themselves, so of course a partner with a good income is not going to make them uncomfortable.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#353

Post by swsdsailor »

I don’t usually post, but I wanted to weigh in. We don’t usually know quickly if it’s going to work out with someone. If you can get that many dates, then you are attractive so don’t worry about that. And guys are attracted to you so don’t worry about that. Coffee is a perfect first date, and waiting until you are comfortable with a guy before intimacy is also fine - just don’t let the guy feel like you are using them. The right guy will not care if you make more money - you can weed them out that way. But for the others, try just taking it one step at a time. Be patient with them and yourself. The first few dates should only be about if you can laugh, have fun, and share honestly with each other. They should never insult you or put you down or purposefully make you ashamed of yourself or your life choices. They will certainly say the wrong things sometimes and mess up, its ok- just no pattern of it. We all make mistakes amd it can be hard to forgive. But serious long term relationships have to have forgiveness or they would end at the first mistake. Tell them you always wanted a family but previously work got in the way. Take the time to make a real connection and follow your heart. Date one person maybe 5 or 6 times, and if you don’t feel potential by then, pick another. Your success and ambition is attractive. You will succeed if you have patience with them. Good communication and being able to laugh together is essential. Pick those guys who you can talk and laugh with and go on one date every week or two with them. I know you will succeed and once you find that right guy it will all become so easy and move quickly after a short amount of time!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#354

Post by halefx »

vimy wrote: post #347
halefx wrote: post #345

There are plenty of people giving advice here on general life stuff and a lot of it seems pretty good, but I don't know how actionable all of it is for you right away. I met my wife on OkCupid. I think that OkCupid is probably the best online dating site of the major ones (or at least it was when I used it), but it requires some effort. Assuming they haven't changed too much, I think this would help anyone using it:…

Okcupid turned into a Tinder clone. A really inferior one.

That is very sad if so. Hopefully some of my experience is still helpful for her regardless

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#355

Post by aaaaaaaaata »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

It describes a significant portion of your target market.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#356

Post by scotty79 »

actfrench wrote: post #332
throwaway0asd wrote: post #144

Let’s start with the unpleasant. You are old and female. The best catches, as relationship minded males, are off the game board. Secondly, as an old female your expectations are likely unrealistic compared to what’s available yet simultaneously the more you date the more exhausted and desperate you will get. The pleasant: Since you are an older single professional you have money, which means you have options. You als…

I’m old and female ?!! That’s horrible. I don’t even know where to start. Don’t people live longer these days ? I don’t feel old. I don’t think I look old. I’ve got lots Id energy ! :)

> I don’t feel old.

Nobody does. I'm 43 male and I'm old. Even though I my mentality didn't change much sice I was 16.

It's not intended as discouragement. You have right to build your happiness at any age.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#357

Post by rafaelero »

eternalban wrote: post #293

> Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of falling in love and having a family of my own. & > I was raised by a single mom and I really want to have kids with a man I love, not do it on my own. My sincere suggestion is to drop the "falling in love" requirement. Almost ~60 years on this rock and I've to the conclusion that "I really like him/her" is by far the sounder foundation for lasting love than "I am in love w…

> p.s. Your post inspired the idea of "Date HN: Who wants to date?"

Uhh. That would be an amazing idea.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#359

Post by rayiner »

actfrench wrote: post #204
eganist wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

I suspect the bigger challenges in the modern dating market is guys who assume they have all the time in the world to have kids. (Which is not true. Sperm quality degrades with age.)

For what it’s worth, my wife’s view is that women who want kids should be clear about that up front to filter out guys who aren’t like minded. They are out there. Men want kids as much as women, statistically. Maybe find a south Asian guy whose mom has put him on a deadline, lol.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#360

Post by _tom_ »

actfrench wrote: post #214
Youden wrote: post #111

Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way. I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection). For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around…

I am going to do this. I intuitively feel that this is the right path forward for me. Kissing someone I just met oj a dating app is super weird and creepy to me. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks, friend :)

Socializing beats dating apps!

1. Do things you like 2. Where would the guy you want to date go to socialize?

Post reply on HN