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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#311

Post by actfrench »

tomcam wrote: post #248

I absolutely love your honesty. Your willingness to put yourself out there and then not get defensive when people are a little bit harsh in their opinions is exceptionally rare. Since I love children so much, it’s a little heartbreaking to hear your yearning. The one encouraging thing I can say is that you are insanely brave and you are an exceptionally clear thinker. I wish you the very best on your journey.

You’re the best. It is a lot of ups and downs and when people like you are kind and encouraging it makes a big difference.

One thing I am grateful for is that as a teacher and an edtech entrepreneur I am fortunate to spend a good deal of time with children of my friends and customers and I love them all the more not having kids of my own. I’ve been fortunate to make some very deep friendships with young children , especially during this pandemic and I think that because I didn’t have my own it gave me more time and space to really grow close. So there’s always a silver lining. Plus, I don’t have to change diapers or defuse tantrums which is great :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#312

Post by mandeepj »

adamfaliq wrote: post #279
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

You can be strategic about it. But the outcome of 'getting a partner' is not within anyone's control. You can only present the best version of yourself, but you can't control who will and won't like you. We're only humans after all.

> You can only present the best version of yourself, but you can't control who will and won't like you

if you want to listen to that advice - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1WiCGq-PcY&t=1s

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#313

Post by whitepaint »

actfrench wrote: post #297
marrgTA wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

Dated women who were way more successful than me. Wasn't a problem at all. It'd only be a problem if a guy has no confidence.

Personally, I think you just need to give up (that's what I did) and just learn to be okay with the things the way they are now. It either will happen or not. You just cannot force these things.

Also (probably not such a great advice) but maybe you just need to go to a bar and meet a guy who is a little bit of an asshole..?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#315

Post by throw34 »

actfrench wrote: post #289
throw34 wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Also, from my personal experience, what you want is going to change over time. And even if someone checks your boxes today, they’re unlikely to be that same person in 10 years. Being a parent changed me a lot (hopefully for the better) and 20s me, 30s me, 40s me are all pretty different guys in terms of priorities, willingness to listen to…

I know I love to grow and change and adapt. It’s a little challenging to tell if the person you meet is an adapter or a communicator . Everyone says communication in a relationship is important but the reality can be different. Is there some way early on you could tell your partner was someone willing to adapt ?

I suppose traditionally this is what one learns during the fiancée stage of the relationship and given your accelerated timeline that’s definitely going to be a challenge. Unfortunately the only way I know to tell is to actually go through a couple of tough spots and see what happens and forcing it might not work. On the plus side, if you do find a test that is predictive and can also be used early in a relationship, you’ll be a best selling author of relationship books for sure.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#316

Post by metadat »

thrown_22 wrote: post #295
metadat wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for trying to explain or clarify your position. For you my friend, please read this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31963218 As a guy, your clock hasn't run out yet! If you're a 7, and a genuinely nice / generous / loving / honest / emotionally mature person, don't give up! There are fewer "good" men out there than you may realize, you're actually a hot commodity.

The difference is that once men get past 30 and testosterone starts tapering off the desire to enter relationships drops off a cliff too. Looking back at what I put up with in my teens and 20s I'd rather be celibate. Short of testosterone injections to get me back to how horny I was then I don't see that changing.

Companionship no longer seems alluring or appealing? Sorry to hear it, that sounds rough.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#317

Post by actfrench »

metadat wrote: post #240
actfrench wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :) > And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:) Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!

Phew re: the hook /red flag And congrats on your upcoming nuptials!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#318

Post by actfrench »

whydoineedthis wrote: post #239
actfrench wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.

I’m very confused

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#319

Post by tomcam »

actfrench wrote: post #311
tomcam wrote: post #248

I absolutely love your honesty. Your willingness to put yourself out there and then not get defensive when people are a little bit harsh in their opinions is exceptionally rare. Since I love children so much, it’s a little heartbreaking to hear your yearning. The one encouraging thing I can say is that you are insanely brave and you are an exceptionally clear thinker. I wish you the very best on your journey.

You’re the best. It is a lot of ups and downs and when people like you are kind and encouraging it makes a big difference. One thing I am grateful for is that as a teacher and an edtech entrepreneur I am fortunate to spend a good deal of time with children of my friends and customers and I love them all the more not having kids of my own. I’ve been fortunate to make some very deep friendships with young children , es…

Want to know how much I enjoyed kids? Due to having a couple of handicapped kids I had to change diapers for 16 years straight. But somehow I never minded. So not even that needs to be a deal killer! Much love to you.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#320

Post by actfrench »

whydoineedthis wrote: post #239
actfrench wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beaut…

So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.

Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !
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