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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#291

Post by jcrben »

actfrench wrote: post #207
throwaway0223 wrote: post #158

> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

All this talk about men being threatened by your career - eh, I really can't relate. I wouldn't focus or worry about that. I'd just recommend working to accept older male features: balding, dad bod, maybe not too tall, etc.

Have you read the story of Chris McKinlay hacking Okcupid? https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/

Your post could be a personals ad of sorts but you stopped short of inviting readers to reach out directly and inquire about a date

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#292

Post by actfrench »

norwalkbear wrote: post #259
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Yea you are going to be need to be very strategic since the dating pool is so tiny for your age and family desires. Alot of men who wanted families don't want career women, or already have their own family.My brother is 35 with three kids oldest is 10. My other brother is 52 year old banker who married a 34 year old woman, and they have several kids now. I think your desire for someone of equal education or financial…

Yikes!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#293

Post by eternalban »

> Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of falling in love and having a family of my own.

&

> I was raised by a single mom and I really want to have kids with a man I love, not do it on my own.

My sincere suggestion is to drop the "falling in love" requirement. Almost ~60 years on this rock and I've to the conclusion that "I really like him/her" is by far the sounder foundation for lasting love than "I am in love with him/her".

Love is a flower that grows from the ground of intimate friendship.

(Also, don't look for Dad.)

p.s. Your post inspired the idea of "Date HN: Who wants to date?"

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#294

Post by actfrench »

thrown_22 wrote: post #272
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Quoted post unavailable.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#295

Post by thrown_22 »

metadat wrote: post #180
xiphias2 wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

OP being delusional is not an accusation, but a feedback. She can use photofeeler as well to get a rating (as a 40 year old successful, average looking guy I usually get about 7 even though I'm trying to take care of myself, and I definitely wouldn't describe myself as handsome when I ask for dating advice). I'm starting to accept that I can't find a person to marry at this point in my life, I should have done it at…

Thanks for trying to explain or clarify your position. For you my friend, please read this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31963218 As a guy, your clock hasn't run out yet! If you're a 7, and a genuinely nice / generous / loving / honest / emotionally mature person, don't give up! There are fewer "good" men out there than you may realize, you're actually a hot commodity.

The difference is that once men get past 30 and testosterone starts tapering off the desire to enter relationships drops off a cliff too.

Looking back at what I put up with in my teens and 20s I'd rather be celibate. Short of testosterone injections to get me back to how horny I was then I don't see that changing.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#296

Post by actfrench »

ivraatiems wrote: post #216
actfrench wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is actually an incredibly wonderful, very validating and encouraging response. I’ve been reading a bit about light tailed and heavy tailed systems and I think that this quite reflects the heavy -tailed nature of dating but also the magic and possibility . I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still…

Glad it helps! By the way, I showed what I wrote to my wife and she had three things to add: First, that I spelled lightning wrong. Second, that it's always a good idea to sit with yourself, think through all your non-superficial criteria, and try to turn them into a list where you know not just what you want, but why you want it. She hadn't been looking nearly as long as I had and she attributes a lot of her willing…

I love you both. And I definitely need a partner who corrects my spelling and numerous typos. Better add that to the highly controversial checklist !

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#297

Post by actfrench »

marrgTA wrote: post #268
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post!

I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself.

Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#298

Post by actfrench »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #229
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

You are one of my favorite new people codewriter

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#299

Post by actfrench »

antisthenes wrote: post #256
lotsofpulp wrote: post #206

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically researched dating with the goal of having kids ASAP, I'd be terrified of getting baby-trapped. The desperation is a colossal turn-off. What alternative is there for a person who wants kids that is running out of time to have kids?

Lower your standards dramatically, like most men do. But at some point, you need to accept some responsibility for why you don't have kids. A woman can literally go and attempt a pregnancy on any given day of the week. Note that having kids is not the same as finding a man who wants to start a family with a 41-year old woman. That's just the reality of it.

I “need to accept responsibility for not having kids”?

How am I not accepting responsibility for not having kids?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#300

Post by spiderice »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

I have to ask, what was the 20th trait that you did not possess? Only for my on curiosity. And only if you feel comfortable answering
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