It's pretty apparent to me what the problem is here and it's already been voiced in countless posts here by other men.
So, since you asked for encouragement only, I highly encourage you to get some cats to keep you company as you age.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
271–280 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#272> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…
I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…
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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#273The individuals in your pool of 120 aren't dating for the same reasons you are.
Indians have arranged marriages and community websites dedicated to finding a partner to marry. Perhaps changing the makeup of individuals in your dating pool will yield you better results?
Best of luck.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#274Go back study (in area ultra domninated by men). Join church. Change your job. Move to another country. The idea here is you need to change your social circle. The one you are in definitely not conducive to you in the romance area. You likely have very high expectation. You do need to change it to lower your expectation, but doing it on your own based on your current situation will be next to impossible. Do the changes I suggest above, the rest will take care itself.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#275Earlier quoted context omitted.
> No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not. Then how come I'm a guy and I love the fact that my wife has an advanced degree and an important career? Your thinking is in binaries and generalizations. OP is looking for something specific and cast in shades of gray. I don't think your advice will help her. I agree that it's a numbers game, but I think t…
You seem to be entirely mixing up the two extremely distinct concepts of "what she wants" — something I have not addressed or touched on at all — with "what men she can be happy with want". Those are different things. The advice I gave cannot stop, or help, her FIND who she wants. It can only help, or hinder, being attractive to who she wants. The goal of said advice, is that AFTER she finds the person she likes, she…
> If my generalized advice applies to the majority, she would be better suited following it.
Sure, if she wants to find anyone at all. If the goal is finding somebody who'll actually meet her expectations and/or make her happy, the advice isn't going to help her. There is enough variation in the human species that what OP is looking for is findable. You're not seeing it because you are so focused on making everybody fit a preconceived mold. Your generalized advice is bad because it's answering a question adjacent to but not the one that was asked, and also answering that question inaccurately.
Anyway, since we've reached the point where you suggest I must be lying or putting up a superficial front because your incorrect generalizations don't apply to me, I'm through discussing this with you. I don't think there is any point talking it out if the first thing you do upon hearing something you thought was true isn't is to assume bad faith.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#276Earlier quoted context omitted.
I actually do quite agree with you, but that’s not me! I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person. Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)
"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…
Makes sense.
Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc....
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#277"My time for having children is running out." You like dates! You may be addicted to dates [knowingly or not]. There is nothing wrong with that.
Time. That is what is wrong with her....or lacking of it. Women has very limited time for child bearing compare to men. Give and take is around 20-25 years. Anything beyond that will be very difficult even if you factor in modern medicine. Risk of deffective birth is also very high for late age pregnancy. Being nice to people telling is ok is not really good in her scenario.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#278I was lucky enough to start dating my wife when I was 16 and she was 15. Obviously I can't tell much about dating, my love life was set up before online dating, however, my impression from talking to friends and family is that:
1) people expect their possible partners to be completely aligned on lots of things which don't really matter like tastes or opinions in this or that or background and education level. Having similar character, spine and the same outlook to life matters whey more.
2) sometimes they expect their partner to be a life coach, a career mentor, a doctor or lawyer or whatever - someone with answers to difficult things in life.
3) "oh if he's saying X then he definitely is like my ex": people with many past relationships may be biased and dump a good candidate just because said candidate signaled something.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#279> My time for having children is running out. > Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already. IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec. Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and soone…
I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…
You can be strategic about it. But the outcome of 'getting a partner' is not within anyone's control. You can only present the best version of yourself, but you can't control who will and won't like you.
We're only humans after all.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#280Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, spor…
My mom is/was not a great person overall but one thing she imparted to me at a young age sticks with me today: "dating is just divorce practice; either find friends or be a sperm donor"
No offense, but that's not advice it's just deep bitterness.