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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#31

Post by spockz »

Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, sports clubs, etc. Somewhere with a shared, safe(?), reason for being there out of which something grows.

Live your life, meet people. Stop looking desperately and just observe.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#32

Post by aloisdg »

> My time for having children is running out.

Well since you worry about that, you can freeze and storage gametes. I don't know how hard it is in the USA.

About the main subject, I can share a community on reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ (note that some people find the sub controversial)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#33

Post by actfrench »

schmookeeg wrote: post #15

Sorry you're going through this. That sounds trying. Was it Alaska that was described as "the odds are good, but the goods are odd" regarding the dating scene and overabundance of men? Maybe a summer in Anchorage is worth a try. You will lose Austin's amazing taco scene, but gain some glaciers :)

Sounds great !! Know anyone with a sublet there ? :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#34

Post by __s »

actfrench wrote: post #11
hnarayanan wrote: post #3

Might I ask what happened over these 120 dates. Is there none of them you find attractive or see a path to a meaningful connection with in time?

I found about 1 in ten attractive and then they ghosted me after a few dates

What do you find attractive?

Are you religious?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#35

Post by mountainb »

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categories will feign serious interest just to screw you, after which you will be ignored. That is what a couple of my wife’s friends who are in this category often struggle with. So, my suggestion is to restrict your search to second-hand men.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#39

Post by flitzofolov »

These are three options, there are more:

Option 1: Expand the pool - learn to be turned on by and interested in a wider variety of people.

Option 2: Convert an existing relationship, perhaps a platonic friendship, to a mutually beneficial partnership.

Option 3: Genuinely give up, allow yourself to relieve yourself of any expectations, and try to become mindful of the internal pressures you are applying on yourself as a reaction to your own childhood etc.

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