Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

You turn down 90% of the men who ask, with a relatively large sample of 120 men....so are you saying 90% of men are dishonest and unkind? No offences, but you and your friends may be misjudging people.

Based on who you have said you dated, I agree with you that the issue isn't the height of your standard, but it may be with the measuring tools your using to guage them.

If you have not, I suggest reading Dale Carnegie's book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." You might also consider the associated "Dale Carnegie Course."

The book is a perennial favorite. I return to it before big work events, job interviews, or as I feel my interpersonal skills shift from my desired norm. The course was instrumental in setting those norms by encouraging a deep interest in individuals and improving my speaking and (more importantly) listening skills.

I largely credit Dale Carnegie's teachings for my marriage.

(writing this a couple beers in).

Given what you said, I'm guessing you are an extremely desirable woman. So much so that you are caught in the trap of looking for your equal. My sister in law was in a similar situation, she was looking for a man who checked all the boxes, from attractive, socially high class, well off, and everything in between.

As she reached her late 30's she pretty much just "settled" for an acquaintance she had been friends with, and dated on those weekends when she didn't have a better choice. (AKA he married up a lot). Even so, she had a terrible time conceiving.

Given I'm in Austin TX. I probably know a few men eligible men (AKA fairly social, high earners who are at least average in the looks dept, and plenty charming), but I'm guessing from what you said, you probably dated one or more of them. The pool at the top isn't that big. And frankly, many of the remaining unmarried men who fit that bill aren't interested in marriage. Why should they be, they can mostly get any woman they want, whenever they want, and have little interest in children.

Other comments have given you what I might offer as advice, but given your age I'm going to offer what I know a few women also did... Which is, if you truly don't know any men who would marry you tomorrow (I find that unlikely) go to the local fertility clinic and thumb through the donors catalog and pick a man you find attractive, and pay to be artificially inseminated. Women in the early 40's fertility drops off a cliff and post ~42 most women need fertility treatments past that age and the likelihood of an uneventful pregnancy is falling like a rock (something you probably know). Given Austin, you can probably skip the fertility clinic and find a short term man willing to do the deed if you assured him it was no strings attached.

Either way, the point is, if you want a genetic child, do it _NOW_, there are plenty of divorced men/etc who won't mind you are a single mother, and might even be willing to raise a child who isn't their own. Particularly if they have children of their own, of which you will find plenty of men who can share parental responsibility with you if your willing to be a step mother to their children.

Basically, at this point in your life, if you want to be a mother, just do it, you can probably afford it, and given your posting here, plenty of tech companies will give you a reasonable maternal leave. And in the end, its probably easier to find a man in their mid/late 40's willing to co-raise your child than one willing to start over.

Also, given your in Austin TX, it might be worthwhile temporary moving to a more liberal state for your own safety. Pregnancy is dangerous enough for a 30 year old woman, a 40 year old faces even higher risks, some of which can go from normal pregnancy to life threatening in a matter of a few hours. I think most tech companies are very understanding about remote work from a safer location these days.

Yah, I know this isn't the advice you wanted, trading that perfect fairy tail life, for the life of a single mother isn't encouraging, but you have to decide what is more important. Having children of your own, or continuing to gamble with the very short time you have remaining. As my sister in law discovered as a woman trying to get pregnant at 38-40 and spending tens of thousands in fertility treatments, nothing is guaranteed. Eventually she had a child but it looked really bleak for a year or so after the first treatments failed.

Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here.

Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell.

Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you, please don't do that, please keep your privacy on HN. No pics.

Ok, that all said:

> I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their lives. Why not relationships?

Men, bad as it is, don't want superwoman. Especially the men you're looking for in Austin. They want to take care of their woman and their families. I've read a few of your comments on here, but not all. And you come off as driven and very very smart. It's awesome.

That's generally a good thing, but likely not here based on your self reported failure.

Partnerships, sure. That's great. But men want to be men. And that mean the 3 P's: Provider, Protector, Procreator. If you have all three, you can be a 'real man' and participate in the great game of male honor. If you have only two Ps, you better be really good at them. If you only have one, you're not a real man and can't participate in male honor groups. Yeah, yeah, caveats all over the place. But, generally, you gotta have the three P's to be a 'real man'.

That you are a founder and a kick-ass, take-names, kinda gal is great. But it takes away the P of Provider part of being a man. Doing some real bad projection here, you likely make more than him, or will soon if all goes to plan. That means, to him, you're prospectively taking away some part of his manhood and honor. Also, he's likely reading into the reality that there just isn't a lot of time for another person in your life outside of your business. We all read here on HN how hard founder life is and how much of a time suck it is.

This one is less of an issue, maybe, I dunno. You mention crossfit and the like. That's awesome, you're doing a great job of working on your health and fitness. Keep doing that. But, depending on how big and fit you are, that takes away the P of Protector. He's not the person that can protect his family from the wolves at the cabin door. You both may be. That's awesome when wolves actually are at the cabin door. But he's trying to imagine his future with you, fantasize about what may be. Sharing that role of Protector may not be what he wants to fantasize about.

The last one is maybe the biggest issue and unfortunately the least changeable. The role of Procreator. You're 41. I'm not going to lie to you, the stats on procreation at as advanced maternal age as yourself are not the worst, but they are not the best either. Geriatric pregnancies like the one you are aiming to have come with a lot of risks and side effects on the child. That's pretty common knowledge. Men that you are looking for are aware that having children with you is a more risky proposition than with the, to borrow a baseball term, average replacement. Meaning that, clone you exactly but 10 years younger, it's less risk to go with the younger clone in terms of child health. I know, that's really pretty brutal. I'm sorry, it's fucking bullshit. But by being older than younger-clone-you, you essentially lessen the third P of Procreator.

So, what to do then?

Like I said, you have to have all three to be a real man, or be really good at at least two. I feel that you're pretty dead set on the Procreator role for your man. That's totally cool. I have kids too. They are awesome, more people should have them. They filled a hole in me that I wasn't aware that I had. But with your age, understand that means he's going to count that one as a 'less' role for himself. You need to build him up on the other two.

So for the Provider one, you kinda gotta aim for men that make more than you, are otherwise really good at hunting/fishing/outdoors stuff and take that really seriously, or are really good at scrapping, knowing the right people, grifting, etc. He's gotta feel like he's able to Provide for you, that you depend only on him for your future and your financial security. Because the P of Procreator is lessened, you have to heighten this one. Being a kick-ass start-up founder, yeah, this is going to be a tough one for you to navigate. Honestly, I'd go for the outdoorsy types as the financial stuff is going to be messy. You can kinda let this P be a 'less' overall, but not as much as the Procreator one.

So, for the Protector one, as I said at the start, you gotta drop the handkerchief. I think this is the one you can have the most success with. Be more of a damsel in distress for him. Yeah, I know, it's not the most modern-orthodox idea. But you need to build these men up as being able to take the role of Protector as the main role for them in the realtionship. You have to make him feel really truly huge as a Protector for you. Aim for the bulkier gym rat guys, maybe veterans or active duty men that can 'Provide/r' a really good healthcare and retirement plan, and again the outdoorsy hunters with lot of guns. You're in Austin, there are a lot of gun start-ups there, take advantage of that. Talk up how unsafe you feel about town, how your ex was abusive or something, how you really like a guy that can take care of you in a fight. Strange as it sounds, be easily startled.

In short, drop the handkerchief. I think it's your best bet.

Best of luck! I hope all goes well and I look forward to seeing a post on here from you about how it all turned out great! You got this girl!

Match makers might be worth looking into if you have disposable income. Match makers doesn’t mean mail order brides. Apparently they are worth the investment from the few friends I’ve known that have utilized their services.